Judge — January 13, 1883 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

me tha’e rather exitra‘oor'nary way han’ a feller a plasserarine, CONUNDRUMS. Does every milk train have a cowecatchor. Do the Democratic Senators at Albany dye hy thelr own hands? Was it a Tami his own Jocular vein? Where did Jobo T. half dollars? Wuene did Mr. Janes, of the Central Rallroad, all bis good stories? In Wales t Doxs F. B. Thurber expect to te with lard of oleomargarine? man who said that a suichte ymond obtain his habit of e the wheels of Grorot Sax says that dogs have lively imaginations Is that what makes them sc so? | Tue Cincinnati papers are having a jonrnalistic fight Isn't this kind of fight a sort of paper mill? Witt Colonel Tracey ever forget to smile with tatfy- like consistency upon the just and the unjust? A SPORTAMAN Says that the trout has exquisite vision. Onght it not to have, wearing so many specks? Was it not a pleee of impertinence in the man who asked whether David Davis ever sits on bis girl's lap? | Dogs the modern interviewer write what he nose about 2 And if he writes what be noses abont, does be write aboat what turns up t Witt Governor Grover Clevaland ever be able to get a shirt collar so big that the wrinkles of hie biz bovine neck will not fall over it? Wuy is it that just when you want a boat no at all, you make her fast And whys it that fa man | makes himaclf fast, be goes all the harder | Does Fire Commissioner Parroy e on his mascle, a8 he ased to do, and {fhe does, is he just as nasty ina fight aa the other man dares to wish? A sew patent lock for a beer-barrel faucet registers | the amount of beer that is drawn. Is it trae that locks are used because servants go stock and barrel for eer? Witt Mr. “Gentleman George” Penilleton, wh a stiff, starched, uneasy, kidded, paper-on-the-wall. coated Turveydrop, ever be President of the Uni States? Witt John E. Devel And dooa be, a8 a pet of the County Democracy, sus- tain his position by as great an intimacy aa ever with tho manicipal lawa? Witt, Gorernor Cleveland allow bimeelfte he owned, badgered and domineere| by Ea Kearney? And if he does, will be still consider himself to be a man of spirit and brains? Jobn Kelly owns Ed Kearney. ever cease to be fat and rnidy? | ‘ow that Peter Bowe 4 no longer sheriff, and he has ‘a 2:50 team, will he flourish that splendid whip over the dash-board for mere amusement, oF will he only occasionally take a spin and a drink at Gabe Case's? Writ. nervous, ragged-bearded old Joe Brown, of Georgia, who bides the natural cassodress of a fox | always characterized him | also take four drops of tIncinre of jovline in plain soda, THE JUDGE. 1 the cap-frilts of an old both a God-given saint and a reckless, conseiencrless old mountebank * top trying to be Mas Recorder Jim Smith so forgotten his old ;eoial ways that the Herald should call bim solemn-Icoking Aud ig it not true of Smith that he never really beeame a swell, but that he has always remained an earnest countryman in manner and appearance Tune are sald to bea good many domestic wrangles fn the family of the Prince of Wales, and that Alexan- ira sometimes, as It were, snatebes him bald-headed. If-she keeps on In this way for very long. will he no’ have to buy a Wig io order to be bait apparent ? Skymove Mapes, the Englishman, who is now in the atest ether since Rembrandt pkeeited In bis idea of bis own few know anything rue that Mayslen t Cocupy't Deputy Controller Richard A. Storre tell a vox deal of municipal history? He Is the man without » knowledge of the practic ment of the office no man could to hear him tell what he kr the office since long before sneaking Dick Co wledge and ma Wits. Mr. William J. Florence be so good as to cease reporters how oli he is of bow many sears he has been mi Let him pass for forty. But Tilly, althooh you weigh two hundred pounds, w you allow Tue pee to say to you, or to Mr. Bard- well Slote, that you are one of the b. 0, g’s—heaven's own geniuses? Has a man who has heen smart enough to be at th head of a Congressional finance committee for many yeara, and a Secretary of the Treasury to boot, 1 > be smart enough, as Mr. Jolin Sherman has le opportunities for investing, so that tas made $300,000, evea if he is as cold and a timental us ever? | Ip ex-State Senator Strahan should be Surveyor | by the appointment of the President, will not the ca Scotchman please relieve Limself of some of that bard. ckel, sour-cold manner which has | 2 Tho Senator is smart or | he would never have got along where be was cons) ered as an in and wn upstart, bat is not a genial and modestly soft manner much better than an tur of pert, rasping, hard and bitter amartness ? Now that Dr. Scudder has left Brooklyn in order to preach in Ch is it not an occasion for askit whether the mild, mush-and-milk minded Sc ‘ with thelr clean, fishy consciences, and mannerly commonplace, namby-pamby style of preaching, have not done more good in encoura: iy people, have been anything but mildly arly to Sunday-school, rk, Talmage, with bis caterwaulings and | rood, n that shovel- Witt Mr, house that he Will be ever 9, over live int tesque g between Albany and Troy t ) ty things in bis © play. 3." for which he was Fo seve sed by the | of San Franci Will Me. Emmet se to buy wor che? Will Mr, Emmet ple: nate drinks of lwef tea ard viehy and milk? Will he enraged pi ake fora racer in the morning alter- ag ncure ofa sick stomach? Will he alo eat a clam stow every time be feela like taking a drink * Or what use to the United States of America is euch aman as Senator Ferry. of Michigan, with his le spruce, gawky, Methodist-minister chin-beard, down which the sanctimonious oil onzht to run as it poured over Aaron's beard? Isn't the old seandal enough to drive him back home, in his stiff-battoned, pasa- arout he-pla n-charch style of lackadaisical beauty?) And if scandal ian't sufficient, and his sanctimonious beard isn't sufficient, and hia mellow- deacon strat, and hia uplifted palm, which looks like a sort of patent coupler and tutfer, will not keep him out of the United States Senate, then the Republicans of Michigan, which is no longer an underbrush State, but a sort of grown-up-troe State, mast he a sickly portion ofthe Union. Don't you say 80, Michigan t A NEW YEAR'S EPIC. Anw in arm, quite conddential, Filed with everything essential To complete intoxication, To complete exhilaration, Went two New Year's callers cbantlug. O'erhead the bight Twinkled bright. And the burden of thelr ditty, Was that they were a comn n for the extirpation 1 biae-coats in creation, And with eagerness were pantiog To show tho way They could play. With s ns operatic, Menaces melodramatic, On they stumbled sana resistance, Till a *cop™ loomed in the distance. 19 battle was ternific, And every pore Yielded gor aw these heroes ham! Downeast and with aspect tun sf the yurlicial Bente With a look of meek repentance. Then they swore that leas prolitic Of jollity They would be. They Persuaded the Engineer Osce there was a railroad engineer. He ran t locomotive just because he wanted to make $60 month, He did uot ran a stationary engine In a ew , a8 the sequel will show, bnt that's no reason ws n't have devoted his attention to thet brane ring. cer had a wate, ‘The wateh was to ru by, though the minstrel Jokes say the traius run on the tracks, The watch was a good one --in its day--but the day has gene by. It was one of | those watches that go when the owner docs. Its vi bad Leen Injured ere it passed the Rubicon, ineer knew this, ard conaequenily distrusted city. When It held its little bands before ani sard in silent tones, “It 18 now 4:30," the cor would frequently say, ** 1 think you are ly to me: I believe it 1s now 4:53." So there was ever a lack of confidence Letween the engineer and his watt One day the engineer was to tako out a long tr filled with many people. As he left the station a ps ¢ looked at his $300 chronometer and sald, “It isnot 3:05 p.m.” The engineer looked at bia watel; it said 3:11; another passenger with a silver watch sald, “It is now just 3 o'clo This set the engineer to thinking, 80 he asked thne other men; thes each told him three ditferent sera of time, Then he jumped into Iii cab and started th evgine. After runuing an hour he calculated he was forty minutes bebind tim Aftor running two hours he Ogared he was twenty minutes ahead of schedule time, and fifteen minutes later, when the collision came. he stopped ealculatin: gether. Hic fabuta docet, as the Irish say, and in nguage means: this story entalla the conclu sion, that the man who Latena to orery one’s tice as given by th catch a train es will get left when he rans to A ceatovs custom in China ta the exhibition of a tish on every bonse where a hoy has been born. The most appropriate fh for this purpose is a little sucker; but we don't think much of the castom. Every town in China must have an anelent and Deatn of a Veteran $ ." wrote the editor “Death of a Veterina pn, get the compositor, which came near being the death of the oditor. comicbooks.com