Judge — December 30, 1882 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

YE BICYCLE MASHER! He came out on his ‘eyele to * mash,” He did; Unaware of the ominous crash The kid Had set up for our rider, As this 2:40 glider Now glid. Whirling past bis girl's house he did slick, While in rear of the horse-block lal Young Mick, Who f nt a As he bowed to his sister, A brick! stral; pur mister, His shot struck the bright glit In front Broke the wires, caused the And bunt His big nose on the par, And to curse in a sad way That + When he picked himself up frot The ** kid,” Whom be wanted to slag li Had slid, Atal the * bieyelo-lasher Was uo more by that ** masher” Best) the wrerk, the neck, yer, soatyx, CONUNDRUMS. nator Vest's hair look like a brick-yand untlowers? War does planted with Ir Blaine and Logan make a political has of them- selves, will Logan be the small pota Wu does Secretary Chandler. of the Navy, look under his spectacles instead of over them? Wnere did Monday's Truth get the information that “+a neatly~tressed man was found in a nude condition?” Ma, Jo Jvrersoy, actor, while you were learning to paint, why did you not study a little English gram- mart Way does Agricultural Commissioner Loring want to dig potatoes with a tuning-forkt Is be so high- toned? ¥ does Senator Mahone, of Virginia, who was one of the cleverest generals of the Confederacy, wear tight pantaloons? Is there anything in the world more to be forgotter: for mer of cha: Hayes, Luey’s big booby? Dors Josefly, the pianist, who is 80 cool on th stage, imagine that it is the thing to be a conscious little red-cheeked bustler off it? WILt the shape of Secretary Bob Lincolo’s silk hat or the exact pink of his pretty litte neck-tie make him a candidate for President? ever Wutar is Henri Labouchere going to say in his papers the gossip which arises from the Langtry-Labou- business? He's a Journalistically pugna little devil Ir Freddy Gebbardt made a “mash” of Jersey Lily Langtry, why did he brag of it? And was it the of gentleman to say that Mrs, Langtry would yachting with him, if be asked be Wrar kind of a razor does Secretary of State Fre- linghuygen use, that bis cbeek is always as smooth as his manners? And why does his voice sound as sweet and tnonotonoas as a cuckoo clock? Now that Charley Thorne, the actor, and his father have made up, and the old man is as much of a flirt as though he ts nearly ninety, will Charley the wspaper chaff? Wur is black Jack Logao, of Illinois, with bis hair sticking down from his silk hat like icicles from the eavea of a Chicago hotel, hobaobbing with the en mies of General Grant, whom he always andertook to uphold? Witt. Bea Butler xo to the s States, and can he, as he says? ever, young, nate of the United If the wrinkles ut of Ben Batler’s face because he has at of Massachusetts, is it not ere because he was not before last been made Governos true that they grew th elected ? Tuxne is some talk about Seelye for Senator fre Massachusetts, in case Hoar is rebuked and slaugh- tered, Bat al failure before. He is a Latin school-master, and as a politician a weak theorist, of the flabbergasting, skim-milk, all-o overshoes Puritan, Can he represent Massachusetts ptiment 2” Wn is it that so much of the aerated waters sold to families and in bar-rooms from the eighty cent siphons, nothing bat the slighest hint of salt in addition to the carbonic acid with which they are charged? And why are the barkeepers 80 free in filling up the Apollinaris water bottles from the leavings of all the siphons? lye has been a polit sometime Was there not, after Blaine’s idea that the Chi jorant, and merciless? Isn't there, to an Ameri- ye, something of the monkeyshine Isn't Minister of Chili, who was a passenger on the of Para, a kind of bob-tail, self. iticant, ridiculous representative of a lower civiliza- a than ours? Rev, Shovel-nuse Talmage is denouncing other preachers for stealing his sermons. If good sermons, why should a servant of Chnist care, if the truth is t Bat really, isn’t thia mach like the story of the present Billy Vanderbilt, who at the age of and on a pittance, asked the old Commodore for a load of manure from his stables, and then anchored a schooner off the street, and got a schooner loa. Talmage, isn’t it about the same kind of a load? Tur, Jevor would like to know whether little Ren Harrison, of Indiana, a kettle-dram with a bass- drum voice, 1s still traveling on bis name, expecting to be President of the United States on the recollection of Tippecanoe. Does he not know that it was due solely tothe astuteness of a great Whig machine politician that old Witham Henry Harrison was sprung upon the country asa very highly popular military hero, with romance and Indians and wild woods flavors about him, which the staid and stiff present little Senator does not possess? |, something sensible about better sown? nator A Fashionable Angel. Panavise, December 12th, 1882. Dear Savie,—Well, bere Tam after the lovely fa- Wasn't ita swell? I suppose the frst thing you will want to know is how I like it up bere. Be- tween you and I, I'm awfully disappointed. Don’t tell one I said 80, because it might make trouble, but really Lam. You see pa hires a big front pew and off the church debt, beside belonging to the for the Suppression of Amusements among the Poor, and Lots of other good societies; 80 I thought 1 would be shown a little extra consideration, and have some privileges, you know, but I haven't at all. Just think! Old Mrs. Simpson, who used to sew for ma, and who had consumption—you remember her he used to sit around like a wet rag and talk about Jigion—well, she is here, She wears gray win; her harp is always out of tune neral she never had any ear—and the horridest racked voice you ever heard. 1 have to treat her politely, of course,but she has a hor. rid way of quoting Scripture at me, and compari with some kind of a cirens animal who tried to get through the eye of a needle, though what object the creature could have in making the attempt I never could understand. To tell the truth, 1t8 awfully slow here, and socially it’s dreadfully mixed. imagine the sort of people one meets bere—colored people and everything. Bat of course I should not complain, becanse they tell mo it 1s even worse in the other place—the one with the swear word for a name, you know. Beskle, they say it Is very much overheated, and has no proper ven- Ulation, It's fanny to see the Presbyterian angels when they t come, they are so surprised to find such a lot of people here. They expected to have the whole place to themselves, and I heard one of them saying the me other day that it took half her pleasures away to find that certain people she knew were up here instead of being down in—you know—where they belong. Everybody is surprised when they come to sign the igister to see what a lot of names there are, and moat of them think there must be some mistake about It. It is not quite the thing for me to criticise, of course, but I do think that there should be some difference made between me and that horrid old woman who poisoned three husbands in succession, and only got religious just before she died. I always avoid he much as possible, for she has a way of talking over family affairs with her three victims, who are all up here, that 13 very distressing. The worst thing about this place is the scarcity nice young men; there are plenty of old patriarchs and martyrs and things, besides no end of pokey Sunday school superintendents, but real jolly young fellows don't seem to get bh It wouldn't be much use if they did, though, as the reg ing are very strict. Of coure I soo all the comets, and had a lovely view of the transit of Venus, and moonlight no end, but you know we never really cared for such things except ax an excuse for a little flirtation. Ot By the way, I haven't seen anything of grandpa. He used to run a lot of railroads and steamboats and a minister or two, But then he swore dreadfally, and ras over lots of people on his railroads, 60 perhaps he’s gone to—you know—but I'm sure f hope not, for I should like to see him with wings and a barp, be would took 0 fanny. how, Au revoir. Your own, MAUDIE. A TEMPERANCE paper says: Our country is swim. ming in a sea of rum.” It doesn’t seem possible! The editor has evidently been misinformed. If our co was swimming in such an intoxicating sea, thousands of impecunions inebriates would jamp overboard and in thelr native element—or beverage—as it Ose. too many in most love matters: Three. “Tart not a Jew eyes? hath not a Jew hands, d inquired th Probably hy 18 at least one feature of the Jew about which there cannot be the slighte doubt, namely: his nose, That useful and highly or- namental adjunct of Jewish physiognomy nobody can gainsay. hope so, certainly; Curerrce © compositions: omen for the compiler of Christmas . C. Coffin, We regret to loarn that the rumor of Oscar Wilde's early departure from these shores lacks confirmation. atest corner in hang-up cold weather is report- el from the Great Northwest. AN ANXIOUS MOMENT, Nove, butterfly, jeat reat your sicbery wings on dat wr fimeer, and Thad you shuah. comicbooks.com