Judge — December 30, 1882 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Proresson Lockwoon, you lectare of an oyster, and then the micros on the entrails ‘opleal company sat ot, hereafter, advise to have the supper frst? to the give SERGEANT BAttastyNe, your audience diminished while you were lecturing. Does this show that Ameri- cans are curious to see a much-spoken-of English per- son, but soon get tired of his or her style? Cotoxe Euwoxs CLARK, you area good fellow. You have @ good many jackasses around Perhaps you do not enjoy them. Bat still you enjoy your morning walk on Fourth avenue, looking at the build- ings golng up in the neighborhood of the armory. you. Miss Extty Fartirct, you are supposed to be amon the very highest of the elect in England, as a phila throple what-you-may-call em. But when sou publish- ed an article on American journalism written by an American, why in the world did you forget to put quotation marks around It? Mr. Sotooy Drevecs, grain exporters and not many years resident, bas said that to sell what does not own is gumt Suppose, Solomon, that you go to your fish-dealer and order a mackerel, and he tells you that he is ‘oat of "them, but that he will send you one hy three o'clock? You leave the mor orare charged. Is your Ssh-dealer a gambler? Me. Davin D. ¥ G, you have recently been ted by Mayor Grace to bean inspector of Pablic a. Tie Jepe tulates you. One of your duties 18 to certify to expenses in the district wards We hope that you will be rigorous and bold with the ‘accounts. Good bookkeeping, however, does no consist fa cutting down expenses; but only in as- certaining whether the goods and the money tally. You are really an auditor. Pat your hand down every time, Mr. Brewer Yuengling, just as if you were slap- ping a government stamp on the bunghole of a beer varrel. You must teachers attend regu- larly. Bat be easy on some of the young ladies, who become perplexed and tired, and who bave ten thou- eand little devils and devilesses around them, bewilder- them as the spirits crazed the shipwrecked crew in Shakespeare's “Tempest.” Girl sehool-teachers get sick sometimes. Bat there too, and you must discriminate. One of your chief duties should be to see that no scandals shall arise be tween any of the school officers and any of the young ladies. Everywhere throughout the coantry papers report that there are scandals connected with public schools, You will be a bero if will prevent any from approaching our own You should also see that the system of compelling attendance of scholars is rigorously exercised, The practical affairs of safety, cleanliness and ventilation of schools should be enforced. A man who can run a big brewery oaght to be able to ventilate a school-house. You must report about studies, and if yoa will read Tue Jevoe, a8 you do now, you will occasionally fearn something in that respect. And now, Mr. Yuengling, that Tux Jopor has volunteered you some good advice, let us say to you that good taste should have prevented you from giving a dinner to Mayor Grace in retura for the appointment. It looks too much as if you were paying him back. His was worse taste than yours, if possible. On the table was an elepbantine And a big pretzel was shaped like a harp. Great heavens! what bad taste! Are the public schools of New York to be symbolized by a beer keg? Is that your sign a8 an inspector of delicate, learned young lady teachers, and of little children? Are the children to perform their morning marching to the music of the pretzel harp? Or shall you only have grand planos made in the shape of pretzels, 80'as to teach the chiklren salt songs and crisp marching? Why not let the leading scholar in the school march at the head with abass drum, with a stamp on the bung- hole, and lettered «* Yaengling’s best?” ons mone ee that thi are lagards, you m. beer kez. THE JUDGE. Ma. Dax, you keep more than one hotel. You have You will be more so. Tux Jvvar el-keeper; It is 60 directly opposite to his own style of abi Few Judges could keep a hotel. There is Stanley Matthews, of the United States Supreme Court; he could keep a hotel, for he is some- y who keeps the hotel; but Mat- y oraJudge. Mr. Dam, you can go down into the market and pick out all the fine mutton sadd te them down in your book, know just what is there, and how much, and do it all while the sedate Jupce—emulating Chief Justice John Marshall, who carried home his own tarkey—is watching Stiner open a half-hundred * 60” oysters, of is waiting, for the Daniel Lambert ne the black bass. For a climbing lunch counter, at which food is soll at high prices, and is usually, but not always, as good as the price, you teed some good advice, which you, being a practical, sensitte man, will receive with strict a: gratefal attention, Tux Jepar does not always ea to sit down at a table fora hasty lunch, because that in- dicates noon-time letsare and waste of work. The climb- fre-escape, telegraph-pole kind of counter-bench is, if the man has the proper apparatus of spikes strappel tohisto be-langled legs, avery accommodating thing. A man who sits at a lanch counter should have a rest for bis feet, and plenty of room for his knees. In some future century somebody will Invent a counter which is concave in front, and needs no obtruding posts, There should be counters for specialties, as there are, but persons ebould be referred to them by compulsion, and if a hotel-keeper bas the sense to buy «xl goods, he should also have the sense 80 to divide his counters that two beef-eaters need not be crowded away from a beef-counter by five oyster-eaters, That Is, he should know the proportion of eaters. The Present system does not count eaters as it does fool, and it makes acertain class of eaters more hogzish than they usually would be. This noisy balloing of “Charles,” * Tim,” Jim,” ete., could bo somewhat avoided. Your waiters are sometimes negligent. At two o'clock the other day THe Jcpar climbed the shrouds, reached the cross-trees of a stool, and sat wn, The waiters there are usually good, sometimes unusually good as waiters; in fact, at times, the very But they discriminate, They sometimes serve ing fellow better than a quiet gentle- ore Tu, Jupor, he pulled it towanls him. There were not bills; Twas y were played out. Tu Jepor had harilly eyes upon the entries, before the bill was jerked away, and thrown in front of a man who bad just bounced in, shouting out the name of the waiter. There are many like Tite Jepar, who do not like to be treated thas, and though rough men may call them cranky because they are sensitive to {ll-treatment, they do not like to eat according to the Marquis of Queens- bury's rules of sparring. Tie Jvpor, after vainly wait- Ing for five minutes, left. You should show no favor: itism to noisy Intimates ; for it is the fellow who eats ‘once—who comes from Chicago or Philadelphia—who makes the biggest bellow. Number your waiters, and their names will not become familiar to vulgar fellows, Your rules for giving out food should be very rigid about the fairness and the evenness of portions. An old waiter once told Tne Jeoce that If a waiter came from the other room to him as server and said, “A very pice piece,” he took extra pains to give him a very nice piece. Now, why should a quiet Junar sit- ting in the North lunch room with a lady, and not wishing to show vulgarity by insisting on ‘a very nice piece, you know,” not get as good a cut or as delicate a Vegetable as the well-selected one shouted for by a brute of a hoggish Jew, who always and ever- lastingly makes himself a nuisance by saying to the waiter, “Don’t you forket that It mast pe the very nicest pee-ess youf kot t” Dam, you can keep a hotel. These faults are not yonrs. They are little, but many makea bundle. Tue Jepor can give you points on baked beans, cabbage, and tendrona of veal; for he knows the art. heen successful. aulinires a great bi to send bo best. a nolsy, importun man. A bill lay enough A Maiden's Holiday Soliloquy. “Waar shall I give my darling for a Chritmas pres- ent this year? Shall { build him the traditional slippers three sizes too small, or shall I kiss him off with a pair of tidies that he will mistake for and put use as Turkish towels? Sball I em- beautiful cigarette case, when be al- 8 smokes a briar-wood pipe, or shall I fake bim up a dressing-gown that will St bim like a circus-tent, and strike Solomon Isaacs’ second-hand store bef a single moon bas passed ? Shall I invest thirty cents in a piece of French leather for a pair of suspenders, and paint his monogram thereon, when I know be will use them as a razor-strop, or sball I design him a gendarme blue smoking fez that the gang will util- jze as a cuspidor when the ‘Bang up Club* holds its weekly + Ab me! be su “But, ob, my! I wonder what Charlie will paralyze me—his town dear little daisy'—with, this Christ- mas! Will he present me with a seal-skin sacque, F will he ‘ blow in * bis December salary against a faro- bank and give me the go-by on a box of caramels, as he last year? “Will T materialize on a gold watch and chain, or will d only a twoxollar chatelain It he bat produces a silver jewel casket, I shan't kick, though if he tries to sour off a Thompson wave or a bottle of German cologne on me, that’s where the chief mourner will refuse to take any farther part in the procession! “It Tam a giddy creature from Murray Hill, I al- ways *hypothecate the hoe-cake’ among society belles anyway, 60 if he endeavors to rin hess on me this Christmas, it's * the drop of the hat “T really do hope ‘though, that he will do the equare up and up thing by me on the 25th; but if he don’t, why, I will have to cast bis image from me heart and catch on with some other fellow, f Me may break, he may shatter, our true love if he will; But my fame as a tean-caicher will eliog to me stil and Charlie can just gamble his lowermost lezal der on that now, right along !" into immed broider him ‘ance at his room? How distressed and undecided I im, to Food bye Charlie,’ at en: ie. Jose. A rasurox paper describes a new ornament costing, $20,000, intended for female wear. Fashion is always putting something in the market calculated to induce the wives of editors to spend their husbands’ money. Some ten-dollar-a-weck clerk may purchase one of these ornaments for a Christmas present for his girl, but he will have to practice pinching economy a few weeks in order to do 80. A Sovti Canottsa man saw an ‘army of toads" that extended three-fourths of a mile aloog a road. Iti suspected that they were on thelr way to attend a * grand hop.” Ax International air—tho wind. A rorr sighs ‘for the touch of a vanished band;” but when he recalls his Gret visit to a newspaper office to sell the editor a poem on the Dying Year,” he doesn't sigh for the touch of a vanished foot. Nota sigh. Tur Postmaster General decides that a fourth-class postmaster cannot serve as a member of the State Leg- islature. This decision will be a surprise to many per- sons who were laboring under the Impression that only fourth-class myn were sent to a State Legislature. ALLENTOWN, Pa., bas been rendering “ Pinafore” in Pennsylvania Dutch. It must try the * Patience” of the average audience, and make some fastidious per- sons wish the performers were butchered by * Pirates. A wenicat journal says that a window in a sleeping- chamber should always be let down a few inches at the top, even in the coldest weather, in order to admit a little fresh air; but it is not always safe to follow the adviee of a medical journal. A little fresh heir bas been known to keep a man awake all night, and trans- form him into a modern Herod—almost. Cosesprex for the undomestic circle: Why are some men’s wives liko Mississippi River steamboate? Because they have a seemingly natnral propensity to blow up. comicbooks.com