Judge — December 30, 1882 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A CHRISTMAS FEAST. INISCENC Huy? Cheated, did 1 hear yer sin; You bet! Just wait, ‘n' I'll 'splain 4 TRAMI'S per thing: Taxed fer grub, 'n’ he sez ter m * Dyer see that wood-pile, thar—dl'yer see? Haul off yer coat an’ tackle ther pile, An’ back away at that fer a while; Ay, saw an’ split fer an hour or two, An’ then we'll see what ther cook kin do. An’ while ye' st think That we've lota ter eat an’ lots ter drink. But earn yer wittles, man, ther first An’ then we'll fill yer up ter burst Right bungry I we So I sheda my ec * Ttackles ther j An’ sez. to myself, * Now ‘t's Christmas Day; The farmer'll hev lots that’s good ter eat with the taters ‘n’ meat ; good fat roast, quail on toast ; st toulay on sech grand food yy stummick a mint 0° good.” ‘n’ Feoulda’t shirk, tan’ goes ter work. an’ sawa away, ‘Zeal do Isaws an’ An’ it makes me tired, an’ sumwet sore. Fer Iw ter work, yer se Fer work an’ me don’t "zactly agree. But yet °t would ‘sprise yer ter see ther pile OF wood I little while. But et last ther farmer calls me in. An’ now, fez I, the grub’ll begi 8 fera hour or more, much use awed in, He took me inter ther house, ther cove, An’ sot me down by ther kitchIng stove, An’ tole ther gal, with a knowin’ wink, Ter fetch along ther wittles an’ drink. Ther werry words a’most made me langh, An’ giv’ ev'ry tooth in my head a bath, An’ my stummick jest jumped ter think, you bet OF ty’ reception it were goin’ ter get Ther gal fetched in a rezzyler swarm O' dishes, covered ter keep ‘em warm, An’ last brought in a pitcher, er mug, A’most ez big ez a good-sized jug the farmer begun, “Step up, my man, ft t thor wittles yer toll hez won.” ne Now, there ain't no man in all creation Ever ‘cepted quicker a invitation, I snatched ther mug, an’, quicker'n yee'd think Poured down a most hig powerful drink. * Hello—what’s this?” [ yells. T vam, Twere milk ary a drop o' ram! Isat it down, an’ quicker'n a flash I zamined ther grab. My God, ‘twere—Aash! Did I eat ther grab? Young man, look hero— I “low that milk ain't better nor beer, An’ ye'r’ pover goin’ ter hear me boast That hash are better nor quail on toast. I were hungry, boy, an’ there’s ther rab— drinks ther milk an’ L eats ther grub! Bat look ye. lad, nex’ Christmas Day ‘F I'm trampin’, I'll tramp some other way; But sh'rever yer goes, er happens ter be, Ef yer can't take hash—that's me? aes Colonel Brown, the Mind Reader. BY BOB BRAIN. Covoset Percy Brows is asmart man, His neigh- bors will tell you $0, and he has even admitted it him- selt, in unguarded moments, He is a stock-broker, with a fine office, corner of ——— (but we won't give itaway.) The offic in a wonderfally desirable situa- tion in a business point of view, and only has ono drawback, and that is, its attractiveness for all speci of agente and high-toned peddlers. Rain or shine its doors are besieged by the festive canvasser. Book-agents, lightning-rod flends, chromo peddlers, piano bores, Bible sharks cover an unaccountable fascination about this par- icular office and its genial proprietor. Whether it the office itself, or the artistic manner in which the colonel bluffs them off that constitates the attraction, is a question, but the charm is there, notwithstanding. Colonel Brown was formerly a drummer, and an enormous pride in his knowledge of human nature, He claims that he can size anybody up, from a. serio. comic variety-singer to a Bishop in the Methodist rch. He has made a scientific study of agents in particular, and claims to know the tribe in all its branches. At the nce of twenty feet be can tell what @ man is selling, and within fifty cents of hia weekly wages. After a five minute conversation with an agent, he will be prepared to tell you where that agent was born, his name, address, exact salary per week, views on the Tariff question, and in fact almost anything you des to know about him. He bas got this down to an incredibly fine point, and. often amuses his friends by his sharp gnesses at the article the agent is going to show him, before the latter has commenced bis rigmarole. For instance, if a young man, in a soiled «uit and clean paper collar comes in, with so: red on his coat, and a yellow handle peepin; |, Brown will wink at his friends at young map, it’s no go, you can't sell me a patent, extra, silicon plate, reversible clothes-wringer, with Japanned hingea, and Jeweled monkey wrench ranted to make the clothes durable, sew stray buttons on, and do the work of six- teen servant-irls.” After a gally like that, it is indeed a hardened agent who doesn’t blush girl, fall over two gpittoors, and bunt for out doors at a Maud S. The other day Colonel Percy was amusing a party of friends in this fashion, and had successively paralyzed an agent for iron sinks, a book-agent, and a lightning- rod highwayman, when the door opened and a youn man in a white cravat and black suit entered, carry two books under his arn Colonel Percy's eye almost fell out from the ma of the wink he gave his’ friends, as he remarked in an undertone; ‘Just get onto the style in which I will palverize that Bible agent.” The young man approached, and when he had got within ten feet of the expectant grou the colonel gathered himself and his eloquence up in aheap, and precipitated himself on the unlucky object of his ridi- cule in the following fashion: ‘No sir, don't want a Bible with 32,000 double, Neece-lined, gil and double reversible pages, bound in pure Turkey morocco and gold-plated hinges; with engravings by the old masters, and nicklo-plated fly-leaf—dirt cheap at $16,—buy one for your poor relations, etc., etc. ete. You may be the only able-bodied member out of a family of thirty-seven boys and girls—your parents may be deaf and dumb, blind and paralyzed—I suppose they are, Lible agents of your appearance usually do have parents with some such complaint. This may be 80, but still I am obliged to say no to your trifling request, although I assare you it cuts a large slice off my beart-strings to be obliged to do so,” The colonel paused in expectation of seeing the sap: posed Bible vender turn every color of the rainbow, stammer a few inandible apologies, and slink off a though he had fallen in somebody's slop-barrel. But he didn’t. He looked as though he thought the colonel was hopelessly crazy, and the rest of the crowd no better, and as son as be could recover breath, re- marked in an indignant tone: ‘ Who do you think I am? Tam not—" “Ob! you are nota Bible agent,” blurted out the colonel, who dida’t propose to see his reputation for buman nature suffer in this style, and to loso the half dozen bottles of champagne which be bad bet his friends on the result, “I suppose not, I might hare known that you were introducing Zoroaster’s patent self-consuming, automatic encyclopedia in twents- eight volames, bound in sbeep, and illuminated in fifteen colors, with articles by the leading lights of the galaxy of science, and a preface by Professor Jumbo, F,R.S.N.G. P.O. T. "Price $234, with liberal d connt to bald heads and brokers." The colonel paused in triumph, and smacked bis lips as he thought of the champagne. The visitor seemed to grow wild ashe stammered: all seem to di -elge, single “I dida’t come here to be insulted, Iam not a “Oh, you are not,” broke in the colonel, thoroughly aroused. “You are not a book agent, then; perha you will also deny that you have come to subscribe to a fund for the purpose of purchasing cor- sets and kid gloves for the purpose of civilizing the women of the Fiji Islands.” “Certainly, sir,” sald the visitor, with deep indigna- Yon, “TE am— Not even a solicitor,” yelled the colonel, as bis head swam, and he clinched his hands for a dying effort. ‘Then I wish to inform you that I don't want a nickle-plated, jo non-combustible light- ning-rod, reversille both ways and can be taken down and usedas a fishing-rod, I don't want to subscribe liberally for the benefit of the descendants of @ people who lost their lives in the Deluge. I have an enormous supply of perfamed soap and combina- tion pocket-con My piano gives good satisfaction, and you can’t sell me one of your patent nuiseless, easy running, chil can-manage-it style. I don't desire to have my measure taken for glove-fitting shirts with @ mirror in the back. My life is insured in every Life ce Company in the world, and my house ditto, for four times it n't get a policy out of me, Thave read * Jumping Jumbo; or, June June- verries,’ and don't wish to subscribe for a copy. don't wish to take twenty thousand dollars worth of stock in the company which will undertake to prop the Brooklyn bridge from beneath with poles, I tak seventy newspapers and don't wish another. I don't want any lottery tickets, or tickets to the benetit of nt Blowbari, the great actor. In fact-— The colonel paused for breath, conscious that som one of bis conrteous guesses had hit its victim wher ho lived. The latter appeared deeply insulted, as he said in an undertone, How dare you insult me in this fashion! I have nothing to do with any of the things you mention.” en who the devil are yout!” gasped ont the |. thoroughly non: sk me to whieh is Insura assed “and your wife sent me to you for the key of the par- sonage.” Ifyou desire to test tho relative hardness of you head with the colonel’s five pound paper weight, just ask him for a recipe by which you can tell the di ence between a lightning-rod flend and a Bible agent at sight, A vatier with a handsome, vivacious daughter of sweet eighteen, who has a plethora of beaux—the daughter has the beaux—introduced a music box in the parlor, and set it to strike up “+ Home, Sweet Home,” atten o'clock, as a hint for the masculine visitor to leave. It worked splendidly the first night, the young man taking the hint and bis hat as soon as the tune ceased. But the next night there was a change. The strategic girl procured another music box with more powerfal lungs than her father’s, and when the latter commenced on ** Home, Sweet Home,” the daugh- ter’s belched forth ** We won't go Home till Morning, completely drowning the sound of the ‘Sweet Home” organ, and peace and harmony were restored, and the boss and his machine were rebuked, A sisstoxary says he only saw one poem illustrated in Fiji, and that was “* Nothing to Wear.” Iv the Goddess of Liberty should get permanently lost, the Government might procure, a8 a substitute, the Greek Slave. It would only require about a dollar's worth of clothes to convert her into a very fair God- dess of Liberty. Proressor Proctor thinks the American scientist who discovered a fragmentary comet stepped on a banana rind on the sidewalk immediately preceding his celestial find; and the wonder is that he didn’t see 705,684,000,000. Swaacs says there is considerable difference between his wife and bis friend's new yacht. The latter is 1800 tons burden, while Mrs. Snags ts only 118 pounds burden. comicbooks.com