Judge — December 23, 1882 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

|{—_ —__— —_ IF | WERE A MAN! I not be stupid, or stitl, or wise, Bat Pd gaze into every lady's eyes With that look of «How pretty you are!” which she We J read without ald of a g (And don't L know?) Ob! L would + just perfectly «plendid ” be ICL were a man. Ti have a mustache as t Where is ther Which the ¢ 1 it to wickedness did i (And don't E know?) I think as a minister 1 could shine If I were a man Lack as—¢ simile? (not a sloe) 8 would be sure to call * divin Line — Vd learnt jat Dla 5." they €% irresponsible way — 1 t—which seems to say To each one in turn, “I love only yo And every fond simpleton thinks it i (And don't know?) s little that [a not dare to do If L were a man, Tl Vd vow, like a Frenchman, love Dainty or buxom, ti Til break two hearts (And don't [know:) 2 For it’s * Oh, such a perfect love” Pa be [were a man! or tall y day —or three OUR POPULAR FARCES. PORTE OUR PRIVATE DETECTIV Ix Two Scests CHARACTERS Masacer or Prtvate: Detective: Orrick, Detective Sseax. Mn. Denoxair, Mus. Denoxate, Finst.—Office of Jack at, Pay, Lian & Co Private Detectives, Enter Me. Depoxatm. Maxacee, seated at his desk, rises. Manager.—Well, sir? Mr. D.—Is this the office of Jackal, Pry, Liar & ».. private detectives? Manager. Services sat Yes, sir, it i Open day and night. ry Of NO pay required. Are you in need of oar services? If you are, you conld not come ton better place. Our tralned corps of professional sueaks—ah—L mean detectives. are at hand at all hours, What is it we can do for yout Mr. D.—Awemt It ia rather a delicate affair, It is a—a domestic difficulty Manayer.—T see. You are married? Mr. D—Yea. Manager.—And you want a divorce? Mr. D.—Preclsely. Manager.—So Lanticipated. Would you mind tell- eapon what ground? . D. —Er —well—er, there Is just wherethe rab in, Really, between you and I, business confl- ‘ow are aware, [ have not any grounds. I want adivorce because T want a divoree.s My wife is all in every respect, but I have got tired of her. Manager.—We lave cases like tha’ @yery day, sir. Providing you pay ns enough, we egi’furnish testi: mony against your wife which will utterly ruin ter character in any court, and give you your reqaired freedom. D. (starting). —Why, are you aware of any pec cadillos of hers? Manager (coolly).—-Not in the least, Have not the faintest knowledge of her. Could not tell her from Venus in her transit. Bat it makes nodifference with na, Were she as pare as a vestal ‘virgin we could make her oat a Jezebel. r. D.—Mow? THE JUDGE. dicate its character? and successful Twenty-third street Jescribe your wife character, She was shown to {hai | behind her and locked the door. * Where's my bus: band!” she cried. “Down at bis offic plied L What dows this im ut tive feet and a half. Manager.—Fitty dollars, handred more when the divorce band was, How glad she ou hie 11 not a mutual separation do as if she agrees to itt r. D.—But she wi for if he sues you for divorce, you are rulne The woman actually loves | of ill- her consent to the nat Think of | een observed by sev that you will | ceived the mesh whic | result was, Most assuredly Thee Twill tix it | anperceived ont of the back way.. Her lawye [Euter Detretier ( well. Give me your han your ble Frenchman p man, the ing; ger SceNE Skeono, Four days tater [Kuter Senn up the Debonair case? How did it pan out? uecessful termination, eb as agreed to the separa how you worked it, she isa lady ally supposed you would pump the | "es Saviour, hide,” murmured the ki as he was run in. eton which lurks in any fa They could not, thous reed that her character was alo The only fleck upon it was that sometimes she took glass of beer before retirin; your neighbor wi But her husband, told about him—bis dranks. viltry generally—was awful. Manager.~ Never drawn on you at Did your shadowing of Then what did yor disease! Its ravages can only be nt found that she was all square what Had to pat up a job, didn't It Manager.—Ot course. et, who was arrested for beatin: ba to liquor!” Manager. —What was it? Sneak.—1 went to a house of ill-repute. landlady that Twas a detective, showel her my shi her into letting me hi for a telegraph boy. “Johnny, go to Mrs. De Twenty-third street, and tell her that her husband bas fallen upon the ice, broken his lez, been carried in here and desires her presence rizht away Clever little imp. pair's, at No, — the number of the house, and keep your mouth shut any thi I pressed a dollar into bis hand, wink: “TH be an oyster, sir, for He started off, while I told the landlady my me was Debonair, and that I expected a lady: soon. worked well. Mra, Debonair came burry- the place. Of course she bad no Kea of its ni. Ought to me, bat Lh Jum! yr n her look when she bebel uf? yelled 1 Lalso told her where she was. like one paralyzed. She would not agree to a separa Nots Then [ told her wi her bus- t rid of ta rase: ght to be to It will be ter for you to agree quietly,” I stated, wil any judge believe that a woman who com vl remains with a t with jocked dé ave taken care nal.” That fetched her. She pe Thad wound around her. Th ad to terms, and 1 smuggled her an not her husband, 8 worthy of th ne, ina to of wife? T your entrance | ¢ of Mr. D, are ultation already of temperament | 1 think they eall it, Manager (enthusiastically).— ak, you have done Hereafter [must raise —that ia, salary [Ccrrats.] Ar the Christmas dinner at our boarding-house, a ted the Brest of the ket key; asports player, the “leg: ” a pas! tack-hone; lover, the heart; a hangman, the ch, while a gambler seemed perfectly satistied with e with oil of vite © throat it 13 a dead sure thing o ng swollen still XXX Kentucky Bourbon will be found 1 pleasanter. Two hands, not mates, within one maff Two | t beat like drums; Four lips a-gushing spooney stutf arts And alternate yum yum Such tender scenes on ear or train, Is visible each night Unconsciously a-giving. To married growlers sep0 SLY seriptura “Waiting and watebing for aid the cop to the burs I! of the “jimmy Wer feet are bad for th general never leave your over-shoes lying around loose, so that un I he wearing m instead of yourself, | in case of a storm. Auways avoid adran especially if it is a draft ight, and you have no funds in the bank with which to meet itt Kunrtowasta is a very subborn anid farrenching rested police. « Wuy did Lick ber, jud * said the saloos his wife (for my license, and supposed I had “why, I fect risght ¥ man n be ra conling to his fights,” as the butcher in a bogus liver on a poor- ing customer. ‘Twa Knell of England's tyranny: Par nell. A coop name for twins—Alf ane Alt. comicbooks.com