Judge — October 14, 1882 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

fe SES, a WHAT WON'T HE DO NEXT? FROM OUR SPECIAL ten feet af the rebet works, anit the panty of arate Bey, CONUNDRUMS. Ane, bustles at high-tied ? Wu wouldn't barbers make good poll-clerks t Cax it be said that New York also has an Ashantee town? Ane marriages in parlor-cars to be considered as railroad-ties? Corin some of the new ribbons be callel moire an- tique than others? has had snow-flakes; but hasn't New York had hot Scotches, Donald t Ane the darkeys joining the Democratic party in order to make it parti-colored t Wires Dobson spoke of his wi he think that abe was laying for bi Wuy is that November is the month selected for tarkey stuffing and ballot-box stutting as an old ben, did An. we toconsider flve-o'clock teas fashionable? Or is the coming man to be five o'clock teed? Is the 800-pound. saw fis ly discovered off Florida, the one that sawed Courtney's boat? Ture isa new opera house in Streator, Il Do you know whether it is on the main street or not? Berrercurs, a8 street orn ing rypidly superseded by oleomarguerites, not? nts on dandies, are be- re they Carovt ia called a harmless lady-killer. This is the winter season, and he has probably come to slay belles. A Westers physician prescribes onion-pills for sick- esa at the stomach, Are they to be taken by a lot of old pilgarlics? A St. Lovts actress took thinl husband to the grave the other da Did she think that she was only er to rehearsal ? A Bostos editor asks, ‘ What is to be done with the surplus money "Why don't you go up to Isaac's and get ont your overcoat ? Fnow the way that some of the Israelites talk, is it necessary to suppose that in 1900 we sball have the whole Jew or none Two acres of land in Illinols have sank fifteen fect. Did some Chicago belle set her foot down, or was David Davis trying to take a nap t *Wuar does this country want f° asks Bob Ingersoll Well, to tell the truth, Robert, if you keep on raisi hades, what this country wants is a new d We do not know who the man was who planted sugar plums, expecting to raise a large crop, but doesn’t it look very much as if it were Murat Hal Davip Davis is becoming young again. He likes good living. Some one asks what ¢ should be played at his wedding. Why not form a ring around the rosey t pickup @ suspeniter button whi | A Kestcexy man says that old topers in his State at not ied with gi or tea-cnps of whisky. Are we to infer that if they do not stop they will soon be bowled out ? exroxpest from Panama says that during the ke the ground ripped up in a big tear, And yet probably you couldn't terra sirma thing tha old terra firma, Or did thing? This ts an English joke improved. ELD not the office seek the man {New Haren Register, Tue Juvae, says, bless your soul, no. The man wouldn't run fast enough. 1 back right into the office faster than any double back ver saw. No, no, let man seek the office, as Cornell tion craly ye not, after all, : st? He has brains; he can sa iant thingy pricks by instantaneously. Why not end your life as Jay Gould t 1 editor, Tie man who makes a present and takes it back is called an Indian giver. The Indian of the plains has inherited all the child-like peculiarities of his fo fathers in this respect. He will take back lands; he will take back wives: he will take hack back talk? he will take back tobacco; be will take back whisky; b did anybody ever bear of an Indian taking back water? sta wood fires, and asks why we do . the big trees of Some one su not have them in the city. Cali do Itis all our wiv us withal, We tried a wood fire one winter, but clothes- ping went up, and we bad to stop. Th tried toot! picks, but three or four wouldn't keep the chimney lazing nor roast apples, A few splinters from eigar- boxes did very well; the cedar kept the moths out of the chimney. Sonny, ask an easy conundrum next time. Hoffenstein on Politics. IferMaN was standing on the sidewalk, en- din an earnest conversation with Friedlander, the clerk who worked next door, when Hoffenstein called out: “Herman, vy vas it you always stand on de sidewalk dalk- ing mit beople, und don’t be de store in, Vat you do ond dere?” “T vasn't doing enyding, Mr. Hoffenstein,” replied Herman, nervously. ‘1 vas shust dalking mit Simon Friedlander aboud boli- “You vas dalking bolities, ch! dink you better had stay de store in or leave Vell, I tear like an okt @rra-cottan | de pisiness you know. Vile you vas dalking bolitics on de sidewalk de rats vas in de back ling up dose kid ledder gaite vich you nefer vipe de dust off. You keep vay from bolities, Hermans, because I vas in it myself vonce, und T can dell you someding. It vas in Hoboken dot I first. vent into boli- tics, und vas running for schancery clerk uf de gounty. De Fort of Shuly comes, und dey haf'a big celebration, und dey calls on me to read de Deglaration uf Indebendence to de beople, Vell, I had been trinking visky und dalking bolities, und I vas drunker as a her- ring. “Ven I vent on de speakers’ stand I got dle wrong book und commenced reading de Mississippi stock law to de crowd, ven de varmest subborter in my vard vispers in my ear und says, ‘Rube, you vas making a tam fool uf yourself.’ 1 gets mad, calls him a liar, und kicks him from de stand avay, und I dells de beople ifdey dink de Jews von't fight shust to come on, Dot makes my frent vork against me in de vard, und I gets beat ofer a tousand votes at de election, De next dime I go in bol.ties 1 ditks I vill vork de boys in de vard, und I sets up a bar-room dree weeks before de election. I dells dem to come around, und vat vas mine vas my frents, und dey can’t bay anyding. Di vould come in de bar-room, dake me to a bri- vate corner of de room, und dell me dot dey had got a, man to pledge himself for me vot controls ofer von hundred votes. Den dey vould vink mit von eye, poke me in de ribs, und ask me to lend dem $5, Vende election comes I finds dot I don't get but dree votes vot I put in myself, und de next day de tam tefs vot trinks my visky und sbends my money dells me dot de reason dot I don't get elected vas because dey got so drunk dey voted for de wrong man, “Last dime I hafanyding to do mit bolities, I vants to get a State abbointinent, und I gets all de pest beople in my vard to sign my ab- blication ; den I dakes it to de Governor ; but he says, ‘Vas you a delegate to de last convention from your vard? I dells him I vasn't, und dot I keeps a cloding store by Chatham strect. De Governor reads de names on de abblication, und den says for me to v: 4 vile unil he vill see vat he can do. Vell, 1 vaited, but I don’t got anyding, und I goes to a frent. who vas a good bolitician und asks him vat de matter vas, und he says, ‘Did you get de boys inde vard to sign de abblication?” I dells him dot I gets de names uf all de best men in de town, “*Did Pan-cake Bob sign it?’ I says no, “ (Did you see Coon-eyed Johnny I dels him I don't know de shentleman. “Vell,” he says, ‘didn’t you get de en- dorsement uf Snakey Jim, Greasy Mike und Kangaroo Charley, vat lifs in de lower end uf devard?’ I dells him no, und he says, ‘Veil, who in de devil vas it signed de abblication ?” Den I calls de names uf de pisiness men in de vard, und, after dinking a vile, he s ‘Rube, if you vait undil you get in bolitics on dem names, you vill be so old dot green moss vill grow on your nose.’ Dink uf vat I dell you, Herman, und go vipe off de show-case,” Jue ©. as, comicbooks.com