Judge — October 7, 1882 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Pres THE JUDGE PUBLISHING CO, 34 and North Moore Street, N.Y. PUBLISHED onc E A WE TERMS TO SUBSCRIBERS. | One Cops, six months, oF 26 0 us One Cops, BOF 13 weeks rey Aditress Tue JenGy, PUBLISHING Co, 4 ancl 8 Northy Moore st NOY NOTICE: Contribditors must pat their valaation tps articles th sent subpct to a price we may ourselves AX), oF wise they will he reganled as grutnitons, Stamps shoakl be Incloses for retu ame and +, i writers postage, with wish to regain their deel The Best Monopolist ‘THERE seem to be certain things in this | world of ours which are born to be monopo- | lized, and others whieh impartially distributed the community. Among the latter are mosquitoes, spring and fall intluenzas, and profanity; among the for- mer are the best seats in the cars, the second hand clothing business, and the telegraphs. It appears inevitable that telegraphic com- | munication should be atflicted this way; it always has been, and it would seem to offer as shining a mark to the monopolist as a four. year old child does to the whooping-cough. Tue dupce would suggest that Unele Sai, who has been altogether too forbear such of his offspring as are his largest credit- hould take a hand in this monop himself, Let him own allfour tele- . tr ud take Since it se phy are amon entire ¢ to ors, busine graph lines, transmit our messages. our money ms that tel “unnot exist without drifting into s nopoly or other, let us have it for all in the e me m0: settled oned ntrol of a monopoly where we ull have a finger in the pie—namely, in ye plan te There is no eat the worked well in E son why it sho hands of the Government. tbe equally successful land, ot Kelly Come to Life. ‘Tue old nursery rhyme, ‘+The lion and the unicorn tighting for a crown, up comes the little dog and knocks them both down,” is be- | ; | ing constantly illustrated in polities, A com. | Chleavored t pass both off as his own. A | promise candidate fills the place of the little | Clear ease oF contempt of court \ og, while the lion and the unicorn are the | ——— | favorite nominees of rival sections. And in| A RESIDENT of Yorkville recently found a the wake of the httle dog of the Syr basket on the sidewalk at his house, It was vention, Grover Cleveland, comes John Kelly, boldly shouldering his way to the front ag: and good for a score of political stricken fields yet. The wake of Grover Cle nd is the only wake John Kelly is willing to appear in just now, at least as a permanency. When the County Democracy had laid him out as a i, | “nice, dacent nished the e¢ | heeded ids THE JUDGE. corpse,” with the tradition- al keg of whisky and barrel of praties, Kelly leaped into life with a whoop, and sailed right into the convention, with his | 40,000 vote behind him, singing, or seeming 1 words bed to Tim Finnegan on a similar occasion: ‘ Bad luck to yer sowls, do you think I'm deat in | Jupce does not, Mr. Kelly, and he does not believe the County Democracy does either. to sing, the immo Value of a Quarter Second. — | Mr. railr Wy. IL. Vaspernitt, president of this 1, lessee of that, boss of Vother, and ntroller of all, has a team of horses in whose speed he is very minutely interested —minutely to the minuteness of a quarter of a second | per mile. If he would run his trains with the same fractional exactness the traveling public would be interested too; but sinee that would require more attention than he can at present divert from his horses, we would another trial which, while it need not summon suggest him from his beloved stables, would give the public almost equal satisfaction, Let him hiteh up his celebrated team “Karly Rose” and ‘ Aldine,” and drive them the Fourth avenue tunnel immediately ahead of a Hartford Rapid Express train, or any other express train ; we will allow hit to se- lect his own antagonist, so it be rapid enough to insure an exciting finish. We will further concede Mr. Vanderbilt the privilege of using his own block system, whereby said rapid train will not be suffered to enter the tunnel till he and his team havg been halted by tor- pedoes at a point suitable for the—start, shall wesay, Then go it, Mr. Vanderbilt, and we will excuse you if you become interested in the performance of your team even tothe trivial fraction of a quarter of a second, And if yon don't come out of the small end of the why it will be because the N.Y. Cen- oI its dependencies make a ul claim when they advertise them- afest and b ripped | New York | through tunnel. wro! Ives as the ule ont The Jeper, as all his frien ish and 1s ty the verge of gener but he does like to encounter a liutle ordinary | recognition in return for his extraordinary lavishness, Now, a week or so ayo, he pul | lished a picture of the © anti-hugs corse! nd thereby fur | for ut amp-meeti rv of Peck’s Sun with a much Bat ue Khas | I stolen much of the para- in THe Jupcr d ingrate I seized the idea graph wh ribes it, and covered with linen, He gr nd rushed to the station-house, erying. It still lives ! the linen sped it quickly, doctor ! ‘or I saw it kickin; through At that moment womun rushed into the station-honse, shriek- ing, “Mein Gott in himmel ! way mit my Limberger chee: Vy for you run ‘Tue Herald has something to say about the romance of a married young man (inarried to a granddaughter of Lord Byron), who travels on the banks of the Nile and sings to the fell- aheen Egyptian versions of the ‘Isles of Greece,” and other portions of ‘Childe Har old.” The Herald's accuracy is only ceeded by its modesty. It would rather lump in the ‘Isles of Greece” with “ Childe Har- old,” or the ‘* Corsair,” or the Koran, or any- thing else that the poem has no connection the blush of shame to the “Don with, than brit checks of innocence by Juan.” mentioning He was a New Jersey clergyman, and 1 took an item from an Arizona paper to U Sunday- As he spoke of the future of “1 always hold that a man returns to his tirst love. The boy who moves to the city wishes to end his days in rural simplicity. There is my son who went tw Arizona three years ago. He was brought up on the farm, and attended to the animals. Ilere is an extract from an Arizona paper. It says: ‘William Smith, the son of a New Jersey clergyman, and one of the most noto ous of the'cow-boys, went over the hill yester- day with a halter.’" hool, young men, he sai Sexator Woop-PuLr MILteéR's ears betray him. He should lend a little of them to Cadet Whittaker as a sort of skin-graft, Senators Dan Voornres and Ben Harrt- sos, out in Indiana, are howling about beer. It always appears to ordinary mortals that beer can froth for itself. ‘Tue Philadelphia Press describes General Beaver as a garden of the Hesperides. Now, to tell the truth, he does not know or care about those bits of landscape. He probably wouldn't give a Beaver dam for all the town lots in all the gardens of the Hesperides. Lance fa ing into vo; mustaches are said to be com- among the effeminate dandies: of Canada, and the false hair artists are mak- ing money. Is there one of them, however, who would be willing to beard the lion in his den A PHiapenrnis physic sort of lounge or sofa made of the bones of whale. Itis, to tell the truth, a kind of bone sette 1 has in his parlor Hosaxnais should ever, never be sung as if they were sockdolagers. A Westers frce-trader remarked that what this country ne $18 more foreizuaccous food. A PERSONAL item says that “Mary Ander son smokes cigarettes and spits through her teeth.” Almost any voung woman could do Now, if Mary lay pipe aad spit ears, her conduct would excite nd the would be worth making a note of in the news- papers. that, with a little practice. were to smoke an old ¢ through her considerably more comment, comicbooks.com