Judge — October 7, 1882 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. A FEW SPECIMEN TRAMPS, It was a mighty mean trick to play upon confiding, unsuspecting husband, and mar- ried men, whose business keeps them down to the office until midnight, or who must a: in conferring the forty-seventh degree at the lodge, or mingle in a political caucus, cannot too highly condemn such practical jokes; though we don't suppose the victim's wife ever dreamed that her little scheme would have such a scrious culmination. You have seen these boxes which, when the lid is re- moved, exude a toy snake, looking so natural that unless you swore off last, New Year's day you think you've got ‘em again! Well, all his wife did was to place one of these coun- terfeit serpents on his side of the bed, and when, a few hours after midnight, she was awakened by cries of ‘Thiev Fire! Snakes! Murder!” and heard some one waltz ing around the room, upsetting things and knocking the bark off his shins, and emitting coruscating profanity, she knew that the bogus reptile had gone right to the spot and promised to bring forth good fruit. She quickly concealed the snake, and he swore that he only had taken eleven drink: supper, and thinks he must have been drugged. He goes home before midnight now, since Gratitupe oF ANDtALs.—Sunday-school lit- erature has, from time immemorial, made great capital out of the gratitude exhibited by the lower animals, and have pointed many a moral, and adorned many a tale, anent man’s ingratitude thereby. Wecommead the following paragraph, clipped from the Nor- ristown Herald, to the next compiler on the subject : Dr. George W. Roney, of Pottstown, while fording the Schuylkill above that borough yesterday, was Kicked by his horse and knocked into the stream. He had gone out upon the shaft to loosen the check-rein to let the horse drink. “Ts falsehood ever justifiable ligious weekly. * asks a re- Ifitis not justifiable when an able-bodied man with a lusty club in onehand, | a newspaper in the other, and murder in his eye, enters an editor's oflice, and, pointing to an article in the paper, asks in thunderous “Ts the editor in ?"—if falschood is not tiflable under these circumstances, then a law should be enacted by the next Congress making it so—permitting the intimidated molder of public opinion to inform the irate individual that the editor left the night before for Egypt, to interview Arabi Pasha, and was not expected back for thirty-seven years, A man would have to be pretty full of revenge, and slaughter, and destruction generally, to take a seat and wait thirty-seven years for the editor's return. We don't believe he would do it, no matter how great the provo- cation. A SCTENTIFIC writer says: ‘A little extract of ginger, mixed with hot water and sugar, will counteract the bad effects of a wetting.” ‘There's nothing new about this discovery— save the ginger. For years the bad effects of a wetting have been counteracted by mixing something with hot water and sugar; but, if our memory is not at fault, it was not ginger. Anyhow, it wasn't spelled that way. We were once in a city that contained about thirty public clocks, and no two struck at the same time. One waited for another to finish striking before it commenced. When the hour was one o'clock this did not make a very material ditference, save that the stran- ger supposed that one clock was striking twenty; but when the hour was twelve, it was about half-past two when the last time- piece tolled off the hour, and the man who thought he had thirty minutes to catch the 12:30 train got badly left. Tue war is over, and no more we'll be daily regaled by the man at the other end of the cable with the startling intelligence that Arabi Pasha has been declared a rebel; no more we'll read the thrilling news that an- other vessel has left London with reinforce. ments for General Wolseley; the announce- ment that a jehad is imminent will no longer paralyze us as we run over the foreign news in our daily papers; the amazing information that an American newspaper correspondent has had an interview with the Khedive or Omar Pasha Lufti, or has been summoned by the Porte to impart a plan for bringing the war to a successful close, will greet us no the reports from Kassas in or zag that the Rebel loss in the last as 3,000 killed and ten wounded, the British lost only one man, will The war is over—and so is the liar He is still over there cease, who sent us the new somewhere, Ix Turkey there is no lovemaking. Ifa man wants a woman he purchases her, on the score of economy, it is presumed, In this country there is plenty of love-making, but a woman is often sold, just. the same. P.S.—And so is the man, Pretty often, fel- low-sinners, he's sold worse than the woman, we've been told. A New Or-eays man has invented a device for cooling air, It will fill a long-felt want. When a young man is sitting up with his best girl, and about midnight, when he is whisper- ing in her little pink ear that if all the coal mined in this carth in one year was to be emptied into the sun, it would not cause any perceptible change in our atmosphere, when, at this juncture, her motier inserts her night- capped head in the room and exclaims, in a rasping voice, ‘Mary Jane, is that young man going to stay all night? You'd better come right off to bed. You know to-morrow's washalay"—then the air becomes oppres- sively hot, as if by magic, and the youth feels that a device that would bring the tempera- ture down a few hundred degrees would be a priceless boon. Tuey Dipy't Come To Biows, “Te yer say another word I'll mash yer,” yelled Summerbreeze after they had argued the subject to the point where “you're a liar” alw: “Well, sail in, you old blatherskite; hit me if you want to,” “Hit yer, hit yer,” snorted Summerbreese “do you suppose I'd hit a man when he w sittin’ down?” “Oh, that’s the way I thought you wanted to hit me,” said his friend, and the argument was dropped. ‘8 comes in. OwrNe to the sudden cessation of hostilities in Egypt, the hundreds of American mules purchased for General Wolseley’s army will never reach that land of obelisks. ‘This will be a terrible blow to the Egyptian humorous paragrapher, who was joyously anticipating an entirely new subject for jokes. comicbooks.com