Judge — September 16, 1882 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

AN “ANTIQUE” BARGAIN. A LONG BRANCH IDYL. Ox a balcony, yonder, I see her, With diamonds and jewels abla: Bat, excase me, Fd rather not be her, Tho’ treads she in laxury’s ways. She haa sleek Hamiltonian pacers, That lift up their noses in pride, As daily she drives with bi The old miltio by her Folks say that she married for money, And gems that would shine day and night With the radi Or scintillate nearly as brig! That she buried her heart under eating, Thus clouding Love's beautiful gleam For to kneel at the shrine of Ambition ce of sun, moon and starlets, 1 dream. Tis said oft she steals from ber “owner, Anil tosses her To wader beside th And weep o'er ¢ And kneeling, its wavelets ki her heart sighs waft o'er “ gom-chains” aside, blue ocean, ly outflowing ti wildly To one whom st A wreck on a far but rejected Ob, a horse on the turf bill'd for aacti A dog at the fancier’s show Or a cow marked “for sale" in the market Arw all in their way comme if fant. But a woman who marries for money— Ught why should I deign of her speak? Come to think, maybe yet Pd be glad to Secure au old moneyed * antique —apene, An Outrage of the Deepest Dye. To THe Eprrors, act., act., oF THe Jupcr 1am an orphan on my maternal brother's side, and can prove it by the aflidavit of my parents, and yet I am treated as if I were a member of the Legislature, or some other un fortunate being, who has no rights that are bound to be respected. s asad, swect one, and if th are any tears inany object of any kind whatso- ever, this recital of my wounds is bound to draw ‘em out, On that sad, eventful morning I felt quite oncteux (I don’t know what that word means, for I copied it off a French blacking-box; I think it means good), for I had just received my month's pay as associate editor on the Bub- blebug Herald, a Southern journal of pump- kinistic tendencies, Suddenly the door open- via the hinges, and the managing editor, Mr. Goshy, shied in, I knew in an instant that something was wrong, and prepared for the worst, for I sawa wicked gleam in his eye, and noticed he had lig-size two horse-power pistols in his boots, and a wicked-looking lawn-mower stuck in his belt, 3 soon as he had swallowed enough ice to articulate any- thing, he shricked out, “Infamous villain, unspeakable dolt, are you the viper that I have taken to my bosom and paid $3.75 a week to, and then finally to ruin me and mine forever? Prepare to go uy I replic humbly that I had been making quiet prepara- tions ever since [ had seen him come in, and merely would like to know, out of sheer curi- osity, what the slight offense was which I was thus to pour out my precious blood for. “Human carrion,” he screamed, ‘you don't deserve it; but no man shall say that I THE JUDGE. passed in his checks without he acknowleds the justice of it before he goes. There, thos are communications t came to this office, and which I left to your insect intellect to answer, Run your cringing eyes over those I took them with a trembling hand. The first was as follows: Beunueace, August 1, 18—. Biitor Bubllebuy Herald Dean Ste,—T am ly unknown as yet to and to you, ah! how old in sent a . W pted brangh.” depth of poetical lon; eam) as ag! ius, th: erements of the soul, and tly to the holiest shrines of the Elysinms of Elysia, leaving on the ‘cold earth the solid souls of earthy slavedom— oli, sir, could you bat know this, what would you dot That yon may jadge of my holy genius 1 inclose two { my most intensely poetical poems, the gem com. meneing: would burst th “Why is my Le mal 40 kad to-night? ‘She mast have had a night Pull aweet, bat bright commencing the elts, of A way that ailence Publish them both if you want them, ai your ander the keen touches of natural my fature carver? What must 1 do for the full con- summation of my Yours with ag ADOLPHIES JoxEs “Yes, yes," sereamed the major. That's you, ain't it? You didn't happen to know that Jones is our heaviest advertiser in the pork business, did you? Didn't know that it would cut off me and mine from ham and eggs forever when you wrote your loathsome answer | to that letter, did you, you creeping concern, you?” ‘The answer : Orrice or Tue Besetesce Hrrato, } Aug. 19th, 18 f If you are still at large when this letter ald advise ato Dean Ste, aches you, finement a s00n as possible, as you may do something in your present condition which you will regret all your life. You ask about your future career. Of course 1 am not an expert enough in your disease to give you explicit directions, but a pint of castor-oil three times a day, together with ¢ aclerkship in a feel the symp- ibed in your poetry Eke you bad better swallow a couple of un charges, or else call out the fire de Yours, with sincerest pity, Bow Bratx, Ass. Editor et back into con- puse, may he on which you have ten to throw ap any “There, villain, read the other, and com- plete your unheard of infamy,” yelled the major, balloonie with rag The other : Bunacen Ellitor Bubblebug Herald A wonderful fact came under my obs Arkansas railroad ‘eat reptiles can be subjugated by training, ‘or on the train had a pet rattlesnake which carried in his coat-sleeve, and used instead of a h. Whenever he had occasion to punch a ticket t the ticket near his wrist and whistled. The immediately stuck its head out and bit through the ng the job aa clean asa steel punch. This occurrence was seen by many reliable persons, and can y be proved. Yours trul: J.B. Summ. “There, that's from Smith,” yelled the Co., Aug. Mth, 18 vation while ly, showing major, “from genial Smith, that got a 200 club up for the Herald last year, and took his pay in obituary notices; and how did you in- sult him, crawling sycophant?” Answer to Smith ao Herarp, } 15th, 1S. Mr. oJ. B. Smit You — — — liar, you putrid, un- akable re you insult Truth at her own chosen altar, th of the Bubb Herald? The last lie breaks the editor's back. We have published snake stories until our brain is ratthng around in our head like a dry pea in a sprinkling can, We published the lie about a rattlesnake learning to play the black snake trying to elope with a minister's wife, and about a boa-constrictor crawling down its own throat and co! pther nd, and then repeating the performance ail lititum. No, sir! We never gagged a gag on the copperhead that opened its eye and let five little copperheads crawl out, nor on the cotton moath that was taught to milk 1 open the front door for visitors. And after all that, you clumsy liedown our throats; but it we snake is now writhing in the waste-basket we had you here to erucify yon with the Yours disgustedly, Tow Brats, As. Eiitor. about the cow, bring in wood, t work. Your Ob, that e-brush. “There | you venomons cur, acknowledge the justice of your demise, and prepare for your doom,” yelled the major, drawing his Jawn-mower with a horrid oath, I suspegted that the major was not calm, and so did not stop to prove to him how just my letters had been. No, Ldid notdo this. By working the matter out by algebra I discovered that my days would be longer in the land if I employed the giant capacities of my intellect and the grace and beauty of my lissome frame in dodging that lawn- mower, I did this, and am principally here. The major only damaged six hundred out of a possible seven hundred square inches of my skin, I shall probably resign, to save myself the disgrace of a formal dismis: Yours, in search of a job, Bos Brat “On, ma!” exclaimed a youngster, “is that a big bottle in that box, though “That's a carboy, my son,” she replied. “Then that's the kind of buoy the men use when ‘they're all at sea.’ I bet they don't have any trouble in finding men to bail it out when it’s filled.” “Witar’s the man that’s going up in that balloon?” inquired a tountryman, ‘That's the fellow standing on the left of it.” Rath- er thin, isn’t he, though?” returned country. “Yes,” answered the other; “he’s thin in purse as well as in person, He's the heir o’naught.” ‘Tis is a stub-pen-luous joke on the pen- makers,” remarked one merchant to another, he clipped the points of his worn-out pen; ‘saves me considerable in my pen bill at the end of the year.” “Yes,” returned the other, “but the amount of extra fluid you use with it is ink-calculable.” “T TuMBLE to the ratchet,” shouted the wheel. ‘‘I catch on,” replied the pawl. comicbooks.com