Judge — September 16, 1882 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

SSS SITE POPULAR SONGS ILLUSTRATED. old folks at home.” kernel ofcorn in acorn-popper. I got terribly hot, and very much excited. In fact, 1 will tell you two truths in connection with the game: you feel like a fool, and as you dance wildly about, you look like one. Finally we heard the new boarder coming— Professor Wheeze, of the ‘ Handover Theo- logical Institute.” The professor wore spec- tacles, and his legs were very long. He was urged to play the magic whistle. The little instrument of torture had been re- moved from my coat, and we were all sitting around looking very innocent. He said in a grave but kindly tone: “Tam always ready to contribute to the amusement of the party.” Miss O'F lapped me on the shoulder, and whispere « He's our clothes-pin, every tim If the members of our little circle we before, th re fairly wild with hilarity wh the professor began his search for the magic whistle. He commenced operations very gravely and moved about slowly, assuring u he could soon account for it on scientific prin- | les. But he couldn't. And we alllaughed so that he warmed up to the work, and rushed with frantic haste from one side to the other. As for Miss O'Paque, she was really beside herself with joy. She cracked the professor over the back with ‘ Hester’s Heart Throbs,” while, in the general excitement, Colonel Dasher was heard to ery out: “Go it, Wheezel keep it up, old man, you'll soon get on to it, But the professor never did, and we had to let him off, after ne had broken his spectac! and upset old Mrs. Punjamby. Besides, we hoard his suspenders break, and it was really time to stop. On the sail to F and Miss O'Paque was on hand in good season. She had “Hester's Heart Throbs” rolled up, But she didn’t read. She used it to splash water on Colonel Dasher and Professor Wheeze, and calling me “Mr. Malstrum,” asked me how I'd like a do: On the picnic to the beach she took “Hester” along, and lost it on the sand; I found it. Her eyes opened wide with gratitude, as she exclaimed: “Oh, Mr. Mascotte, you are so kind; I would not have lost it for the world.” It was still open at page 13, Even on the straw ride she clung to it with the same kind of wild devotion that a woman displays for a pug dog. Finally the came for her to leave. To tell the truth, she had not been very literary. She had soaped the little wooden pier, so that of us slid off while rushing for the yacht, She put sand in Miss Whiflle’s bed, and bits of clam shell in Professor Wheeze’s shoes. She got up a midnight serenade, made up of tin pans, fish-horns and dinner-bells. When, on dark nights, we were tripped up by ropesstretched across the path, we knew jt*was Miss O'Paque’s work; and when the beach wagon broke down with a load full, and Professor Wheeze was shot clean over the horse’s head, we felt rem ably sure that Miss O'Paque was the cause of it all. Her conduct seemed very strange to Mrs. Poodles. “Tnever saw her act that way before,” said the good lady. ‘I didn’t know her very well, but always thought she was quite literary,” I bade good-bye to Miss O'Paque at the station, where her treacherous recollection caused her to call me ‘Mr, Mutton.” “Did you finish your book?” I inquired, for she had it in her hand, rolled up. “No, I dida't read very much—I only got to page 13.” Believe me, you will find a girl of the Miss O'Paque pattern at nearly every summer boarding-house. Ose of the features of the labor parade y was a ‘gint upon a horse.” The int” was grandly got up. . His face was shaved, a sash of the shamrock color cro: his breast, and a ci of great size held his teeth together. The ‘gint” was all right, but the horse! If ever a horse was p of monopolistic ideas it was that horse, plunged into the ‘Bricklayers’ Union,” and broke up the “ Ciga and dispersed the “Typographical Union,” and ereated the wildest sort of horror among the Newark jew- elers. It backed into ice-wagons, tried to mb into stages, and at last got upset by a brewer's wagon, The ‘gint” ré rrowful- ly up and surveyed his steed, and the last seen of him he was lugging the beast along by the halter, “Shure, Hughy,” he explained to a friend, ‘I have bekim satiated wid equestrianism. ro’s too much ay a jar upon the mucous membrane av yez spinal column.” “Tat was a lucky deal for you in the wheat spec,” said a corn speculator to a wheat speculator. ‘ Yes,” replied the other, “a bullion (?),sotospeak. Howdid you fare with corn?” Oh,” replied the other, ‘the bears made the bull yawn.” A HEALTH item says: ‘* No two people should habitually sleep together.” ‘This was son given by a fast fellow for staying away from home about three nights in the week, Ayw ELtza ought tobe an appropriate name for a chemist’s daughter. PoLtceMeN are not generally vegetarians, although they get their living from their beat. “Wuat are you fishing for?” was asked an unsuccessful angler.“ For amusement,” was the laconic reply. “STILL so gently o'er me stealing,” as the man remarked who heard a burglar at work in the room above him. PERSEVERANCE and obstinacy are not very much alike; one is a strong will, and the other a strong won't. Great truths are often said in the fewest words. Correct: pass the hash! LIGHTNING struck a man recently as he was reading his Bible. This will be joyful news to the bad men who are always terri- bly scared during a heavy thunder shower. comicbooks.com