Judge — August 12, 1882 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

tain we were a sad-looking lot—that is, those that remained. The ladies looked as if they had just escaped from a grab-bag, and I felt that I had put in a pretty good day's work, But, no matter, we would have our lunch. We waited about an hour, when the horses came bounding up the road, looking fresh, strong and hearty, We took out our hamper and with our remaining strength opened it. The cold corned-beef was like chewing-gum it gave us such a chance for work, Mr: McPhales said that the cake stuck to her ribs like plaster of Paris, ‘There wasnothing else to eat, and perhaps it was well, for we all we could do to conquer these comestible: We gathered up the remnants of our party on the way back, the driver generously allow- ing us to ride down hill. For three days we were confined to our rooms, sick, sore, fever- ed, all “broken up,” from the etfects of our joyous mountain ride. ish, cross, demorali A MERRY SOUL. BY GEORGE KYLE. JEREMIAH SWINGLE was the merriest fellow in the world, always up to some kind of fun, and the life of any party he mi in with, when he w it be thrown, No danger of any one feeling dull $ around, I was on a picnic with him once, and you never saw such a jolly time as we had. He put salt in the tea, and sugar in the oysters, and toads in the baskets, and, in fact, fixed up the refreshments generally in such an amusing and ingenious way that the whole party had to be carried home in ambu- lances, and some of them had to keep their beds for a week. His sister Maud used to sit on the veranda on moonlight evenings and converse about astronomy, or something, with a young man by the name of Burroughs, who alw: lavender pants and a pearl-colored high hat. So Jerry fixed up a big pail of dirty water, just over the favorite seat, and when Maud and Mr. Burroughs were looking into each other's eyes to observe the effect of moonlight on the retina or something of the kind, Jerry tipped the tub and let the contents come ker- flop! on the loving pair, sending Maud shrick- ing into the house, and Burroughs wildly down the road, madly wiping at his lavender pants and spluttering out great mouthfuls of dirty water and profanity. Then there was a quarrel, and Burroughs sent back all the lovey-dovey letters he had got from Jerry's sister, and Jeremiah got hold of the sweet documents and read them aloud from the roof of his house to a knot of young friends, standing on the scuttle meanwhile to keep his enraged sister from getting at him, One day he put a Union torpedo in his grandfather's pipe, and when the torpedo went off the old man’s nose went off too, to- gether with his few remaining teeth, some of which stuck in his tbroat, and came near strangling him to death, It was always pleasant to visit at Jeremiah Swingle’s house. You were sure to meet with somany merry surprises. Sometimes he would spread soft shocmaker’s wax on the seat THE JUDGE. of your chair; then when you tried to get up and bow to some one, perhaps a lady to whom you were being introduced, it was so amusing to find your chair sticking to you like a barnacle. If you stayed all night at Jerry’s house you were sure to get the full benefit. of his playfulness, He would put sand in your bed, and tie your clothes up in intricate and mys- terious knots, and drag you out of bed in the morning by one foot, and put something in‘ your breakfast to make you sick, and finish up by taking the nuts of the wagon wheels, and nearly breaking your neck, besides making you lose the only morn- ing train; and allin the purest spirit of ood | nature, for there was nothing malicious about Jeremiah, nothing at all. metimes his little pranks turned out | rather badly for other people, but nothing could break the even good humor of his joy- ous spi Even when he attended the funeral of three young friends whom he had drowned by dane- ing merrily about in the boat when they were out sailing with him, he pinned the unde taker’s coat-tails to the ofliciating clergyman surplice, and almost choked with suppressed laughter when the latter garment was torn | straight up the back with a loud ripping | sound as its wearer was about to leave the house of mourning. What a pity it is that such sunny lives ever have to come toan end, But then a great many true things are also very sad things, and the way in which Jeremiah’s candle was | snuffed out certainly illustrated this most forcibly. He left this life through the instru- mentality of a can of kerosene, which he put in the kitchen stove one evening, Ie only | intended to give the cook a pleasant surprise in the morning, and did not know that the fire was already lighted. I often shed a tear of regret when I think of the happiness and amusement that has been lost to the world by the death of Jeremiah Swingle, Jones says that crops on his farm look ex- ceedingly well this year, but as he has only a henery, we suspect he has been ini the crops of his poultry. A | \TISTS may call this a ‘hot - if) that suits them best, but we call ita hot brick | without an envelope. “When the flowing tide comes in,” it has a heap of dirty work to do at Coney Island and other seaside resorts. It must be awfully dull out West nowadays, There hasn't been a cyclone, a water-spout or a tornado out that way for nearly a month } an ass, rp gently.” A Brooktyn husband has sued a man for fity thousand dollars’ worth of damages e- cause he robbed him of the atfections of his wife. Unless he has gone into it to see how much he can make out of what little interest he has left in the matrimonial concern, he is A man with the spirit of a mouse, whose wife could be won away from him, would only be too glad to get rid of her. Why blame a dog because it refuses to become attached to you, even if you do happen to own it? THE Atlantic Monthly says that the South needs a fearless, independ ve "t political pre y badly, to discuss politieal questions and politicians. Maybe it is true, but the only safety for the editor of such a paper would be to live inside of a steam boiler, wherein he could write his fearless criticisms, and poke them out of one of the flues, for steam boilers are supposed to be bullet proof. Tue Goddess of Liberty don't appear to have many friends in this country. It seems next to impossible to raise money enough to buy a pedestal for her to stand on, At all events, Bartholdi thinks so, and some old- fashioned people think it a shame, WE pronounce this cruelty upon cruelty. A man seated in a horse-car had his most cher- ished corn trodden on by a two-legged drome- dary the other day, and the mayor fined him two dollars for disturbing the peace, WLI may the “toy pistol” be called the nursing bottle of incipient Guiteaus, A tras in Maryland has lately fallen heir to eighty thousand dollars, and has thrown s tomato can. We fear this will en- courage others to enter the profession. AN undertaker died in Brooklyn the other day, and right in the busy season, too. Alas, the husbandman is often cut down in the midst of the harvest. MACKERELVILLE Was not so called originally in honor of No, 1 of that excellent fish. comicbooks.com