Judge — August 5, 1882 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“What I advise is without prejudice understand that?’ “Why, certainly. “No giving me *T should smile.” “Well, then, you mustchange your method. You must becom 1, and deal with this matter coneretely. ‘or instance, we have in the highe 3 you know, both the Ditferential and the Integral Calculus. The Integral is the more difficult branch. It tends to unify, or confer on one point of the function the powers or attributes of all, To ditfei tiate is to scatter, but to integrate is to com- bine into a focus. Thus, when you pocket a hundred separate dollars you integrate them; and when you go about spending them, you differentiate All the great generals w synthetic alegebra, them, and robbers of the world, from Cacus through Cwsar and Napoleon down to Russell Ss: and Jay Gould, have used the methods of the Integral Calculus, It is difficult, but it Jay Gould really owes you one dollar, since you are one of forty million people whose ef fects he has integrated into his own pocket. It would be useless to try to differentiate th: dollar back to where it belongs. You tried | this on, without success, it seems, with Sir Jamuel, in the matter of your government property T assented. “But if you cannot differentiate the money back into your own pocket,” continued the great mathematician, ‘you can, in the words of Sir Isaac Newton, when enunciating his Binomial Theorem before the Royal Society, ‘do the next best thing.’ You can integrate, and thas by bringing together into the focus of your pocket a large amount of property originally belonging to other people, you can vindicate the sublime trutus of mathematical science. To bring science to the test,” con- tinued the savant, lowering his voice, ‘do you happen to know where the Gail Hauilton National Bank is located 7” Certainly. Corner of Onety-oneth street and 12th avenue.” © There is a fine ficld for the operation of the Integral Calculus. By using either the method of Newton or that of Laplace, you, with two other apt scholars, properly equipped with jimmies, dark-lanterns, and dynamite, can, on any one of these dark nights, integrate for yourselves the property of several hundred=shareholders, who deserve to be differentiated because they are all try- ing to get rich out of the earnings of the laboring classes who get discounts at this bank. Should you integrate successfully, I shall expect, strictly as an honorarium, you know, a share—a divvy—let me say a whack —out of the proceeds. Thecombination word of the safe this week is ‘Blaine.’ There is no dog in the bank, and the night-watchman who comes around regularly at midnight is partial to rye whisky, out of which, with morphine, you can readily make him a soothing cock-tail. ‘Adieu, my dear sir. You see to what length a scientific ardor conducts us. These are the sublime functions of applied mathematics. ‘To illustrate the Integral Calculus, the mere sup- posed moral aberration implied in the deple- tion of a bank—a mere creation of the statute THE JUDGE. —amounts to nothing, although an unscientific judge and jury might pass upon the trans- action differently, But we will hope for better things from you; and I shall look for my share in a canvas bag behind the door in my vestibule on the first dark night.” I am sure I violate no confidences when I state that, while the ** when you are short sell something " method has proved to be an abject failura, the method of integration has result- ed in @ monumental success, The two hun- dred, more or fewer, shareholders in the “Gail Hamilton National Bank not wholly satisfied with their differentiation ; but they show great wisdom in accepting the situation, The bank has not made an as- signment, and Iam individually better off by $25,000. Each of the other mathematical | students, as also the professor, was integrat- ed to the extent of $1 | ntly done, and the professor finds him- seif in funds to buy an achromatic twelve-inch refracting telescope, of which he stood great- lyinneed. ‘Thusallis forthe best. Science is calculus are vind to partake in mor the Cliquot (yel- low label) vin which I dr; nursed, and to give a long rest to the falla- | cious maxim of the imperfectly-buried stew. | art, tion « son was A Letter from Saratoga, Dear Op Pat fancy sheet 0° 1 priced, stuck-up hotel as big as life on tt like some fellars do, to pertend they're a-puttin’ up there bat, old pal, I guess sich a blutl would ent work in exter deep inter yure onderstanding, 'ea too well postid on nateral pocket weight fur ytyer, pal? But there's no yusen talkin’; Sar- digging far a fellar like me to squat, Ime flush or bre needs about here is a good, stout cheek an’ a spry 1 © clo’ Yes, old pal, riggin’ goes a good ways for ketchin’ on to luck wit’ the men and wimmen in Sa shook the Lootblackin’ bizniss, an’ took to dippin’ water from the Congress Springs. An’ dippin’s jist the fy rackit, pal! ‘cause doin’ that yez always a-runnin’ the chanse 0’ sittin’ a five-center frum a big-mnonied bloke, ura dollar greener frum some elefant-harted, half-bust sport, who mebbe'll go b n ye "fore b quits. Thei the ecscurshun wimmin an’ chiller ofen givs the dipper a sanwich-reesed nickel fur pumpin’ up enough o° ready-made pizen sprin ter to send them hum gea-sick an’ twisted up in cramps. Gamblers is purty ugh chaps wit! their chink, too,.pervided the Uipper giva them a stéér aginst so:ne bloke ng has bin showin’ blg money when he was bangin’ ‘round the Springs. Stuba_o' boss smokers is plenty around the hotel stewps dn? streets here. old pal, an’ knowin’ yer likin fur ‘ew, 1 ofen wish ye wus up bere to make haul on ‘em; but se musent kum, ‘cause yew'd knock my prospects indwige if ye'd kum a-hangin’ ‘round me up here, wit’ yer bust tle an’ scuffed-ont clo’e Ye just oughter s6@ the rigzin’s o° the wimmin hy Dye no the millionaires’ wives an‘ dawters is pl their togg‘ry than other wimmin, an’ all the while fo gits to wear their J tow-lines an’ time-tickers round thelr necks like the licker deelers an’ bunco men’s wimmin relashins. 1 heerd a couple o' boss wimmen | talkers ivin’ all-fired rats, the other morning when I was a-dippin’ water to ‘em, to some gal named Clarie Bell, Jehu! they jist ripped Clarie all to plecis wit’ t tongues, an’ z <I mighter writ this en pur, wit? the like ur on a ti Lop of it, rin said she'd stack sum rambuntio an’ they vowed rite in my hearin’ they b Bell wus no troman to rite sich o*fal stories an’ t would always keep their spite to Clarie Bell on File. The sun is purty strong up here. but tain't able to get | The dentists of Persia evide * put on out of a both al Wi outer Temperat tow bin sick enuff to pass a sale "yew kin bet, if owns t slay when [dew skip by one since I got here, cause y wonl to Bessie, that little Harlem daisy g mine, afore I quit ‘er hands on that racket Bessie, and when did ht how my heart 18 a thinkin’ of ‘er. on er till L * other fellars kins on topo res is makin’ fortunes who pal, 1 ain't since I hem ru, Mill Thain't p say, old pal, chin chat wit 0e3 a bobbin’ up an’ down when Jist yew keep yer blinkers it back, old pal, farm playin’ possun Ye never kin tell "bout th an’ w'at sets spectin’ is a seein’, as T dew ev'ry day, heaps o wimmin jist as big blu innersi on me w'lle girls un’ wim. yed an’ mugged as my little Harlem daisy be, maki out to bust their hearts an’ blinkers w teers whinivir their busbinds are leevin’ then the blessid minnit the of vidin? fools be outer site, off gose the weepers wit! fellars that don’t goaway. So you jist keep an i on Hessie’s doin’s, so I won't git fooled, ole pal. Yew kin jist bet yer buots T would ‘ave bin skeery lonesum if Theden’t mashed wit’ the purtiest little chambermaid yew eve the fust day I got here prime payin’ job as chambermatd at the Grand Onion Hotel here, an’ don't we punish lager an ise erea but, great Cristofer ! ye musen't let on to Bessie when ye sco ber that I rit ye this, cause, like’s not, she'd make a grand kick, an’ yive me the bounce, on the hy T hain't bo th stamps is 8 savin’ up corn enuff to buy 1 far next fortnite, Send mea hulf adollar by expre Jn-kare of Buddy Hines, Grand Onion Hotel, Sarate Springs, and Til'make it all square wit’ ye when I sit back tew Hark Rite soon, fur if ye don't bken't ansir yer letter. Give'my afleXions to all enquirin’ stub picker friends, an’ hopin’ to fine yew an” Béssie the same, yew no I be Y moans an’ fur a day or 80, money per- shot yer ise has She's adamplin enin’s, tho’! vl o my new mash, races yet, beka ny pools on Tve been a clean shirt an’ collar sti Jw, Whew the Shah of Persia has a tooth ex- tracted, prayers for his recovery from the or- deal are offered up in advance at the mosques. Uy adhere to the primitive method of removing a tooth it out with a cold chisel and a hammer, operation is a little more tedious than the modern way, but the dentist doesn't ¢| any more. A “Book on the Pig” is advertised, work afforded both * printers, The and lean” for the comicbooks.com