Judge — July 22, 1882 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. HEIGHO! HEIGHO! I wet a maiden fair to soo— Heigho! heighot Who seemed to be dreadful mashed on me— Heigho! heigho! I took her to picnics, we went to balls, She guzzled down beer in concert-halls, She ate ice-cream by pint or quart, Till one summer day my cash ran short. “There is a picnic to-night,” she said. Heigho! beighot “Of course you're going, my darling Ned.” Heighot peighot Bat when I tarned to my heart's delight And sighed, "My darling, some other night,” She looked amazed; then she yelled, ** You brute!” “Crawl off on your ear!” **Get out!" and ** Scoot!" To the picnic she went that night— Heigho! heighot While I went off and got quite tight— Heigho! heighot Now on the Island I'm breaking stone, With not a plenic to call my own. T heard last night she had made a break, And run away with young squint-eyed Jake. ow. Where I Draw the Line. BY GEOROE KYLE. I usep to think that I should like to go to heaven, but I have changed my mind lately, I suppose it is a very pleasant place, well lighted and ventilated, and all that sort of thing, but I could not stand the inhabitants. I am not over particular about my associates, not exactly squeamish, you know, but I really must draw the line somewhere. It would be anything but a pleasure to have to see Henry Ward Beecher forever sitting round on rosy clouds, folding his wings in fat contentment, and winking at the female angels, or Talmage dancing an everlasting loose-jointed jig of exultation over the actors and other professionals who were being roasted for running opposition to his Brooklyn show ; and I don’t think that the long rows of smug deacons and lank elders, all bursting with gratitied conceit, and congratulating each other on having worked the salvation racket successfully, would have a soothing in- fluence on my feelings, and yet these would be the very aristocracy of heaven, so to speak. I should also have to associate with all the gloritied negro murderers from the South, and holy bank defaulters from the E: the psalm-singing, prayer-shouting criminals from all sections, and last, but not least, I should have to meet that inspired Christian gentleman, Charles J. Guiteau ; and there's where I draw the line. No. Send me to hades with Spinoza and Paine and Bob Ingersoll, and all the good- hearted, honest fellows, that I myself bave known, who didn’t care a rap for any church that ever was built. I prefer good company to good lodgings any day, and when it comes to Guiteau, I weaken. ‘The fact that the Equitable Life Assurance Society of New York transacted a new business in 1881 of over 846,000,000 (more than the company doing the next largest business) seems to show that Its liberal policy and its reputation for the prompt payment of its claims Is fully appreei- ated by the pablie. Curontc patron of the turf: Old Scratch. Tue most difficult work to decline : A PERSONAL canvass: Taking your own portrait. Cream of Tartar: Tho Czar. Query for the temperance folks: Is cotton | gin intoxicating ? PROVERBIAL philosophy: Do not kill the | golden calf for its veal. A Fatse alarm: When you fear your new | teeth are coming out—but they don't. INTERESTING performance : The play of the features. Marcu of intellect (in the newspapers Everybody appears to be walking into every- body else. Isn't it about time to call the police when the bellows come to blows ? A QUESTION of universal interest : much ? How DipLomatic query : Can the failure to at- tend one of Queen Victoria's receptions proper- ly be called contempt of court ? WHIFFS WITH CORRESPONDENTS. W. PF. R—Accepted, bat shorter articles At our columns better. ¥. W.—Deciined without a single regret on our part, how- ever much you may pine at not seeing it 1p print, Jor Panken.—Tae Jepoe Is very much oblige {snot susceptible of fattery, but for your good opinion all the same. FRaxcts Bextox.—We will send your papers by mail while you remain out of town. The Arm Chair ts probably the best story paper published. Jouy E. McC.—We fully agree with you reganting the editor tn question, but the letter you ask us to pablish for bis espectal benefit ts rather too much to the point, Tuomas W. Panty.—It would serve you right to publish your poem precisely as you have written it, bat we have too ‘much regard for the happiness of our readers. Gronce PREMOST.—You want to know why we don't pitch {nto monopolies stronger than we do. Well, George, in the first place, the weather 1s too hot, and, besides that, we might get the worst of it, We are saving 'em for cold weatber. Castoria. Life is restiess and days are fleeting, Cuildren bloom bat they die ta teething; Example take from Queen Victoria— Cuilaren nine all took Castoria ; No sleepless nights from babies crying— Like larks they rise m early morning. ILES PERMANENTLY ERADICATED IN 1 To 3. weeks, witout koife, ligature, or caustic. Send for circa lar containing references. DR. HOYT, 36 West 27th st, NS. ¥. $1,000 RENARD &x Deewess Couoaxe. Fr took fmt premiom at at Hata; also The Workt's Pair and' was promourced te tes the world for pungeacy. strength, and delicacy of od made of Ottar of Roses and French Flowers, 4 i rtume lke Read's Graxp ATRIMONIAL GLOBE! a] BC: cage ut Send one. two, three or Bve dollars for a retail box. by express, of the best Candies in the World, pat up 1D handsome boxes All strictly pure. table for presenta. Try it once. Address, C.F, GUNTHER, Confectioner, 8 on St., Chicago. ‘Name ils pacer, Bonus. | m= SOME Of the numerous dealers, because they could see a few cents more profit, have been guilty of offering worthless substitutes for the only original and gen- uine Sulphur Soap—GLENN'S by name. There- fore, the public should guard against these deceptive imitations, and always ask for GLENN'S 8UL- PHUR SOAP, by its full name, and take no other. Read the following evidence from a highly respecta- ble source: CORN Gettentom, Proprietor, on the packet Yours tray, eehtG. 7. 2. DURANT. Glenn’s Sulphur Soap. ‘The most effective external Re extant for the cure of Skin Diseases and for Beautifying the Complexion. CacTioN. There are counterfeit Ask for Sulphur Soap, and see that the name Of C. N. CRITTESTOS Is on each packet. Sold by druggists, 25e.; 3 cakes, 60¢., and mailed to any address on receipt of price and 5 ct the same of Cort OAR GtEKny | SUB Sop sam OF: extra per cake. HALE'S HONEY | HOREHOUND AND TAR FOR ADULTS and CHILDREN, 7 all COUGHS, COLDS, OF THE THROAT, BRC S and LUNGS, leading to CON- Children derive great benefit from its, Sooth- | ing properties when suffering with Croup and ‘Whooping Cough. X. CRITTENTON, Prop'r, 115 Palton st SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS. | Pike's Toothache Drops cure in one minute, ‘Tee Famous Beethoven Organ with a beautiful Ripe Top, Handeome Black Walnut Care auitable fering Partor, Ch ia ersabbath = on ove year's trial, with Organ Bene bate F a _ 2s 19 1S." = hed tered Letter. Money’ refanded with tnterest if Rot aa represented after one year's use. Oryans Bautee theta pl $0, ara DAMIEL F. BEATTY, Washiagton, New Jersey Hound coples First Volume of THE JUDGE, price in cloth, $3.50. For sale at the Publication Omice, 34 and 36 North Moore street, New York. comicbooks.com