Judge — July 15, 1882 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

QUI? Wuto was the first in this broad land To grip me firmly by the hand And introduce me to ber bandt— My Boarding Who woke in the early morn— In rain or sunshine, cold and storm? Who paralyzed me with her form?— My Boarding Mam! Who pierced me with her cruel eyes? Who looked upon with least surprise When in my soup I captured fie My Boarding Who bad a most obliging daughter? Who gave to me diluted water Which she called * tea,” but hadn't ought My Boarding Mam! Who placed six beds within one room And a miniature stove, which she thought a boon? Who turned the gaslight off too soon? My Boarding Mam? Who made the weakest coffee seen? Who bought the strongest * ollymargarine Who made much soup from chicken leant My Boarding Mam! Who filled me to the brim with hash? Who each week relieved me of my cash? Who liked her beer and “sour mash?”- My Boardin Who fed me on most antique lamb, And salted leather, which she called ba Who gave me lard to use as jam? My Boarding Mam! Who was it when I came home late That seemed so anxious of my state? Who with her knuckles rapped my pate? My Boanling Mam! —DeMocnrTes piNwippy A Quiet Trip to Long Branch. BY BRICKTOP. Or course, at this season of the year, nearly everybody is yearning for something out of | town, Be itseashore, hillside, or mossy dell, | a fellow is pretty sure to get a yearning of | sort or other on, when the thermometer is threatening to spill itself over the top. My friend Dottlesnap felt a yearn one day this week, and after fanning himself for some time, he concluded that Long Branch would just about reduce his blood heat to the nor- mal. “Yes,” said he, “this h and T guess I will just take a quiet trip to Long Branch. The sail down there will be glorious. No swapping a boat for hot, stutfy ars, as in times agone, but all you have to do is to get on board the floating palace, and there you are. Stay on it and enjoy the salt sea breezes until you reach the grand pier at Long Branch, and there you are.” Dottlesnap went for the Long Branch boat. It was evident that a great many people had concluded to do the same thing, for the wharf was crowded with a perspiring mob, anxious to secure tickets. Now Dottlesnap weighs inthe neighborhood of three hundred pounds, and it is no easy | matter for him to press his way through a crowd, especially when the weather is hot, som and others inclined to be as fractious as he is ; THE JUDGE. but he is not the man to give up anything he undertakes. It was within a minute of the time for the boat to sail, and yet the crowd around the ticket window was large and determined in its behavior. A youngster in that crowd espied Dottle- snap and offered to fight his way into that crowd and buy him a ticket, since no one could get on board without one. Dot gave the obliging youth a dollar, and obliging youth “lit out.” My friend Dottlesnap w: in taking in the situation. He knew t anxiety had made him a sucker. But what was he to do? ‘The men stood ready to pull in the gang plank. his In about three more throbs of a spring lamb’s prehensile extenuation, that gang: plank would be drawn in and the engines set in motion, Just then an obliging young man came to the front. He held a ticket in his hand. “T can wait over until the next boat, if you will a dollar adv ticket, id he. “ Yes, yes, I will !” cried Dottlesnap, clutch- ing the ticket and handing him the money. “Oh, but won't I fix that young son of a pistol that got away with my dollar,” mused Dottlesnap, as he crowded towards the gang plank. ce on this “No good !" shouted the officer to whom he presented the ticket he had bought. “What!” exclaimed Dottlesnap. “Oh, nonsense don’t work on this line. Get a regular ticket. Quick, or you're left.” “All aboard !” cried the pilot. ‘But this ticket !” protested Dottlesnap, “Why, look at it. He did so, It was a ticket for a snide show on the Bowery somewhere, Dottlesnap recognized the fact that he had been sold again, but his indignation had got to that point now that he could stand no more. He rushed intothe crowd in search of the r: cal who had duped him, and while he was do- ing so, the steamers gang-plank was drawn in, and all hope was lost for those on shore. Was Dottlesnap mad? Well, that would depend a great deal upon a jury for such eases made and provided. If not being mad is exemplified b a policeman by the throat when he laughed at him after hearing his story; if being club- bed by a policeman, and, after a wild and de- seizing termined resistance, being taken to the station: | house for an all night's: siest: shap was not mad. But these are the facts in the case, as they came out before Justice Patterson the next day. 4, then Dottle- He sent for me to give him a character, and, in case that did not obtain, to go bail for him. He assured me that all he wanted was to get his wind; to pull himself together so as to be able to arrest that policeman for false imprisonment, On account of having a huge political pull, having every judge on the bench in my power, 1 effected his release. But Dottlesnap had lost his inclination snot half a minute | | 11 for Long Bran to care how. At all events, to my certain knowledge, he has never since then had any of those natural longings for a quiet trip to Long Branch, or anywhere else. He has concluded to sweat it out in the city, even if he has to hire a man to fan him and buy ice at the rate of a dollar a pound. In fact, he didn’t appear ide resorts any more, any- Doy'r buy a fish at this season of the unless he can give you a clean bill of hi and swear that he has not been black-balled at the Union Club, and other tasty places. Maybe you think this is a suggestion from Ed Gilmore—no, ‘taint Ed. Goop place for the ‘Tally Ho:” China. Cochin ‘Tne most lasting thing fora silk gown: A chancery suit. ‘gyptians are not commonly supposed to be a progressive people, and yet it is cer- in that Egypt at this moment is the most rising country in the East. Tue Jupce numbers among his acquaint- ances a man who is so constitutionally lazy that he will not even labor under an impre: sion, Jon Mrsnter, when his wife asks him to ake a cup of coffee before going out on his beat (he is a policeman), declines on the ground that italways makes him wakefal. It safe to say that more than half of our police force drink tea. It is tobe hoped that we have heard the last of Guiteauism. It has cost the country millions of dollars and oceans of tears. The chief crank of the family being out of the way | and just where he belongs, let the other mem- bers be squelched into the oblivion from whence they came and where they belon The world is nauseated with them, and if there is any sympathy left to bestow, let it be given to the man who is married into the family. Heaven help him! A MAN in Clifton has discovered a new use for the phonograph. He utilizes it.as alabor- ving machine. He charges the instrument to the muzzle with swear language, and places it on a bracket in his bedroom. Then when he jumps out of bed and treads on the tapering end of a carpet-tack with his bare foot, he quickly grabs the machine, and turns the handle, and howls at the same time. This relieves his conscience somewhat, especially if it happens to be Sunday morning, as it cna- bles him to accuse his wife of having tamper: ed with the phonograph, and declare that he didn't know it was loaded—with pro. fane history—and that the last time he had it he talked it full of science and Beecher's Friday evening tal And all that sort of subterfuge. a A stump orator : The dentist who talks. comicbooks.com