Judge — May 27, 1882 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HHI Zz Only Think Of It. Pror Proctor says that one bundred and fity millions of years hence, our days will be fourteen hundred hours long. A day of such dimensions will have its disadvantages as well as its advantages. A man whose note is coming due “thirty days after date,” will not find the days any too long for comfort; but imagine the condition of the nervous man who is obliged to listen to the explosion of Chinese crackers on a Fourth of July, of four- tecn hundred hours duration! To the bib- ulous person, who celebrates the day in an extremely alcoholic manner, it will be a “Glorious” Fourth, indeed, even if he does get lugged off to the station-house seventeen hours before sundown, But what Proctor should give the young men of this country, isa night fourteen hundred hours long. When a smitten youth goes to sce his sweetheart on Sunday night, the minute hand of the clock al- ways makes the circuit in less than fifteen minutes, and the girl’s bed-time comes swish- ing along on the wings of lightning, as it were; but if the night was as long as the day of the future promised us by Mr. Proctor, Augustus would have an awfully nice, soul- ful time of it, and when he asked for his hat, and regretfully said, ‘‘I must go now,” the young lady would look at the clock and urge, “Why, it’s early yet—only two hundred and seven hours after midnight.” And then he would linger fourteen hours longer, and get several hundred hours -sleep before *break- fast. There would be some sense in having such nights—though a young husband, who had to walk the floor from’ midnight until daylight with a colicky baby, might not think so. w. A PHYSICIAN explains why persons can’t \sleep. It is because ‘there is no accumula- | tion in the organism of the products of oxida- |tion, mainly of carbolic acid, that accumula- tion being favored and controlled by reflex action of the nervous system, which thus pro- tects the organism from excessive oxidation, and allows the organism to manifest its normal functional activity throughout a succeeding rhythmic period.” One can hardly believe that a little thing like that would keep a per- son awake. But now that the causcof insom- nia is known, its victims should goto a drug store, or somewhere, and get some of those things in a bottle, and put about three fingers of it in their organism before retiring. Sea- son with a little sugar. A NEwspaPeR heads an article: “A Man Squanders $50,000 and then Commits Sui- cide.” ‘The man, it is safe to assert, had a great deal more fun than ifhe had committed suicide and then squandered his $50,000. Yes, indeed; this is an extremely late spring. Aide in the suburbs at eventide discovers not more than one front gate in a dozen embellished with a young couple of op- posite sexes, looking into each other's eyes, and trying to bite each other, and softly whis- pering about the germ of an atom, andspring fashions, and little onions, and the Peruvian guano fuss, and other farm topics. A New Yorker advertises for a governess to ‘teach a young lady of thirteen.” He for- got to add: ‘‘No old woman over seventecn need apply.” A woman in St. Johns suddenly turned her head to gaze after a lady friend, to see how her new spring polonaise set in the back, and was unable to turn it back again at last ac- counts Now, when she is going upstairs, she thinks she is coming down, and it is very confusing, indeed; and although her back hair is now in front, she finds it just as inconveni- ent todo it up. This is not the first time, however, that a woman has had her “head turned” by the fashions. Upon exhuming acoffin recently, ina Texas cemetery, a snake four feet long was found in the box. It is supposed the inmate of the cof fin died from maniaa-potu, and was buried with his boots on, What became of the rest of the snakes is a mystery. A MARBLE-CUTTER in Chicago keeps on hand ready-made tombstones, with the name of John Smith engraved thereon. He thinks Smith enjoys pretty good health at present, as he only sold seventeen of those tomb- stones last week. A News item say: ‘A Kentucky dog has been trained to build a fire in an open grate.” ‘The dog’s owner is evidently an old bachelor. If he was a married man, he would not per- mit the brate to perform such disagreeable work, He would train his wife to do it. Ir is said that the majority of hand organ- ists in this country come from Italy. Judg- ing from their appearance, one would nat- urally suppose that they all came from Grease. Tue Young Men's Democratic Club, of this city, composed of gentlemen who wear claw- hammer coats on all possible occasions, held a meeting on Monday night and discussed in all its awfulness a resolution that the club should nominate for Governor of this State “The Hon, Samuel J. Tilden, mindful of his might, and mindful of his right.” After much weeping and gnashing of teeth, the resolution was laid on the table by a vote of 21 to 19. Thus was the sage slaughtered in the house of his friends, Let us weep! Love Isanp City is at last. making a stir in the world. Ashort time ago its mayor was snatched by the sheriff, and now it is reported that Water Commissioner William McBride has fled with some of the money-bags of that wide-awake city. Deacon RicHarpD Situ, of Cincinnati, will spend the summer at Charles A. Dana's charming place at Glen Cove, L. I. Our Peruvian Mayor, Mr. Grace, has nomi- nated a Chinaman for the position of Park Commissioner. At least, it is said that Mr. W. Wetmore Cryder, whose name was sent to the Board of Aldermen last Tuesday for that position, was born in China, Look ont for Chinese park-police officers. Mayor Grace has requested John Kelly to take a trip with him through Peru next Jan- uary. comicbooks.com