Judge — May 20, 1882 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. on what publications you have put ia your forty years?” “Well, I have given my talent to nearly all of the most influential metropolitan journals, and my income from such work being suffi- cient, I have steadily refused to attach myse)f permanently to any one of them. You see I love independence.” “Certainly. Have you written any partic- ular matter lately that has made a hit?” ‘Well, for the last few years I have been hard at work shaping and toning up the daily papers; exercising a fatherly superintendence of them, so to speak, and have had time to write but little. Oh, I am an enthusiast in my profession, and for that reason I take an interest in THE JUDGE.” “You are certainly very kind. Now, in what way would you change the paper?” “Well, in the first place you are not severe and personal enough. Call a spade a spade. Go for John Kelly tooth and nail. Call him a thief, a swindler, a marplot, and boldly defy him to gainsay it.” “But suppose he should take the law on us?” “Just what you want, my d best advertisement in the world. Cornell. Tell him to his tecth that he is a loafer and an arch scalaw: Tell him that he is a murderer, and call up the ghost of Sindram to confront him.” “* But suppose he should call up the sheri! to confront us ?” “Ah! nothing could be better if he would only do it. Let him arrest you; throw you into prison for a month or so. All the papers in the country would cry out and give you hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of advertising. Then you want to go for Presi- dent Arthur. Come boldly out and denounce him as the Benedict Arnold of the Republican party. Make a picture of him as an arch enemy ofthe country. Put Fitz John Porter as a copperhead snake, twining lovingly. around him. Make him as a puppet with Conkling pulling the string that makes him dance. Then go for Cardinal McClosk fellow— Then go for + Meat vas gors up; dut don't you gif ttavay. I sell you a bair of bants just de same briceus before.” Make him asa growing dragon that shall cover the land, or as the Scarlet Woman spoken of in the Revelations.” “But the Cardinal is a very estimable and progressive gentleman.” “That has nothing to dowith it. Whatyou want is to be alive.” Very true, but the probabilities are that we should not be alive if we followed your in- structions for awhile.” “Nonsense. Prelates never fight back. Then take up ‘some popular woman, Cady Stanton, for instance; insinuate that she is not a bit like Cesar's wife. That will set people’ agog.” “Yes, very likely.” “ And then, as a master stroke, you want to denounce the Irish as a race of semi-barbar- ians, Thugs, assassins, cut-throats, That will be sure to create a sensation.” “Most undoubtedly,” we sighed. “Now I have only given you an outline of the way you should go, and if you haven't the nerve to follow the suggestions, I'll come here and run your paper for a month of two, just to get her to booming. See ?” ‘Certainly. Your ideas are very fine. We are having a new boiler built, and just as soon as itis finished, we will make an editorial sanctum of it and follow your suggestions.” “T thought you would. All you want is an old journalist, and a live one, to g a point or two occasionally. You have got lots of stuf in you, as I said before, and from this time forward I shall expect to sce THE JupcE boom,” said he, and then he got up, buttoned his coat, put on his hat, and seemed to have finished his mission. Valuable although he undoubtedly was, we made no attempt to stay his inclination. It was probably professional jealousy pure and simple, but we are only human, He started towards the door and we began towrite. He even went outside of it, but seeming to recollect something, he quickly returned. “T beg pardon, but of course you know what we old journalists are like—flush to-day and broke to-morrow,” he began. “Oh, then you are flush today !” “On the contrary, I am unexpectedly short. Haven't had time to go to the office yet on ac- count of this business of steering you. Can't you let me have a fiver on account?” “Certainly! George, give this old journal- ist five cents, and charge it to augers and gimlets.” That old journalist became instantly haughty. He appeared to be hurt about something. He even went so far as to frown and look witheringly upon us, then pulling his slouched hat down over his eyes, ho strode from the sanctum like an injured queen. “In the spring the ycung n:an’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love,” sang the poet. But he could not have been a genuine spring poet, or he didn’t write this year, for winter has not only ‘lingered in the lap of spring,” but the old monster seems inclined to hang on to his mother-in-law, genial summer. There is one almanacian consolation, however, that dog-days will give him a sweat, even if early garden sass is a trifle late. LAST YEARS HAT “No, Oscar, no amount of brushing will make it took like new. You'd better get a new une.” THEY have gota new ‘Truc Messiah” in Egypt, and we guess he is genuine, for he is shedding about as much bloud as the old limers have in that line. A ROBINSONIAN REFRAIN. (Not from the Congressional Record.) 1 aw neglected, Tam rejected; Scarce I expected This would come true. With my head crazing, With my wrath blazing, Sure I'll be raising Hellaballoo! THE fate of Lieutenant De Long cannot be regarded as a newspaper triumph, and the probabilities are that such anotacr expedition will not be undertaken again right away, un- less some proprietor of a newspaper heads it in person, Pappy gave John Bull a heartless slap in the face in payment for the kindness he had just extended to him, and there is where Paddy was altogether too much like himself. But he wants to look out for snakes now, ECHO ANSWERS. Inquiring Office-holder : What subject sets me worry- ing and doubting? Answer : ‘Outing! Inquiring Ofice-seeker ; What subject seta me bar- gaining and sinning? Ansver : "Inning! Fitz Jon Porter certainly has not acted like an ’arf an’ ‘arf man in his fight for rein- statement. But if he had only served his country in its stress as well as he has served himself of late, there need have been no trouble for him. FEMININE head covering has changed with the advent of spring. The hats are larger than ever. Ir is said that Dana is to have charge of Tilden’s bureau of nincompoops this year, and we shall all have a thance to learn why he gave them that name during the last cam- paign. comicbooks.com