Judge — May 6, 1882 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. THE JUDGE PUBLISHING CO., 84 and 36 North Moore Street, N. ¥. PUBLISHED ONCE A WEEK. TERMS TO SUBSCRIBERS. (Uxrrep StaTes AxD Caxapa) One Copy, one year, or 62 numbers. One Copy, six months, of 26 numbe One Copy, for 13 weeks... B97 POSTAGE YREE. “GO Address ‘Tae Jepor PUBLISHING Co., 34 and 34 North Moore St., N. Y. noice: Contributors must pat thelr valaation upon the artictes they sen'l to us (subject to a price we may ourselves fix), or other- ‘wise they will be regarded as gratuitous. Stamps should be {nclosed for return postage, with name apd address, if writers Wish to regain thelr declined articles, The Mighty Plumbers. Tue festive plumber, judged by his latest demand for. higher pay for his services, evidently needs rest. The season has been an unusually prosperous one fur this important individual, and in order that he may not be disturbed in the quiet of his own castle he has raised the figures so that a suffering people must pass him by. It has been said by a great and good man, long since gathered to his fathers, that there will come a time when the suffering people will be compelled to rise in their might and crush the plumbers, We trust that this greatand good man’s prophecy will never be fulfilled. It may be well, per- haps, to send out this warning to the plumbers that a movement is on foot, and, according to special dispatches, is rapidly spreading from the rock-ribbed coast of Maine to various other sections of the world, looking toward the annihilation of plumbers unless they con- sent to do the ordinary work in an ordinary store or dwelling without insisting upon tak- ing the houses in part payment of their bills. We trust that the political speakers in the coming campaign will not forget the plumbers when they talk of the sufferings which the people endure, through the existence cf Na- tional Banks and gigantic railroad and other corporations. “Clear the Stage.” ‘Tue terrible day is at hand! Moving day, with all its horrors and sorrows and blas- phemy, is upon us, and not only the China- man, but the peoples of every nationality in this great metropolis, must move. Why? Ask of the-unadulterated winds of. Castle Garden, but don’t ask us, At such a*time as this it would not be surprising if our genial Uncle Sam should cry out to the extraordinary per- sons who have been before the public until |” their conntenances are as familiar as the growls of the average deck-hand of a ferry- boat, ‘‘Claim your baggage and clear the stage!” And he would address a queer lot. All would no doubt- object to going, and a derrick would be of slight use if brought into play upon some of them. Fancy the Cham- pion Explainer, Blaine, of Maine, quietly seiz- ing his grip-sack, and hying himself to the se- clusion of the Pine Tree State! Fancy Beecher, the new idol of the Chinese in America, folding up his sermons and mildly promising never to make any more blunders! Fancy Grant as the Major, and Conkling as the Judge in the ‘ Arkansas Traveler,” tearing themselves away while there was a prospect of securing anything more! Fancy the modern Don Quixote, Henry Bergh, ina lamb-like manner, retiring from the stage, never to be scen or heard of by men again! Fancy that ‘‘ Dick Deadeye” of the times, that dearly-beloved railroad-wrecker and worshiper of the immortal Jefferson, Sammy Tilden, willing to decline a nomina- tion for Governor or President, and gently trotting away to Greystone! Fancy that sec- ond edition of Tweed, Hubert 0. Thompson, bidding good-bye to Mooney and the rest of the “boys,” and seeking the seclusion of the picturesque Island in the East River! Fancy John Kelly willing to deny that “John Kelly still lives,” and ready to give up the battle with those who threaten to wipe him off the face of the earth! Fancy the venerable Peter Cooper and the venerable Thurlow Weed agreeing that it is about time to give the “young fellows a chance!” Fancy America’s obituary bard, G. W. Childs, of Philadelphia, declining to write any more grave-yard poetry. Fancy Anthony Comstock resolving to reform and engage in some honorable business! Fancy Cyrus W. Field pledging himself to no long- er be a flunky! Fancy Dorsey and Brady safely out of the clutches of the law! Fancy Robeson thinking of something else than the profits to be derived by a Congress- man throngh his connection with the Naval Committee of the House! Fancy Dom- inie Talmage in a common sense state of mind! Fancy Whitelaw Reid no longer haunted by visions of Horace Greeley! Fancy Receiver Pierson handing over to the widows and orphans who hold policies in wrecked in- surance companies the large sums of money which he obtained, ‘by order of the court,” for the assets of those companies! Fancy Rufus Hatch no longer personating a deeply aggrieved old woman! Fancy Anna Dickin- son behaving like a lady, and discarding the antics of a very peculiar young man of Shakes- pearé’s imagination! Fancy Minister Lowell declining invitations to the dinner parties given by English snobs, and attending to the cries for assistance from deeply wronged American’ citizens in Ireland and England! Fancy all this, and then fancy that they will move when Uncle Sam calls out to them, ‘Claim your baggage, and clear the stage!” Sunday Pastimes. AMERICANS are very unreasonable people anyway. They imagine that this is their country; that they should have the rights which their ancestors enjoyed; that among other things they should be allowed to have Sunday held sacred; that they have a right to go to ckurch if they want to, and not be molested by foreign customs. Strange as it may seem, some of them object to having Ger- man bands parading the streets, going out for schuetzenfests or picnics, while they are trying to feel sorry for the sins they have com- mitted during the week. What an absurdity ! Isn't this a free country? What is the use of a Constitution if people cannot do as they please? Why should not our German fellow- citizens go out and make all the noise they want to, if they are happier in doing it than in going to church and singing psalms? As we said at first, Americans are too par- ticular. If they wish to get ahead of our German friends, why do they not employ organs and choirs loud enongh to drown the noise of their Sunday bands? Our illustration gives a phase of the matter. But for all that, why should Americans be so particular ? Legal Beauties of Our Mother Tongue, Oxe never—or hardly ever, as the case may be—fully realizes how charmingly con- cise, wonderfully exact and intensely perspic- uous the English language really is until he comes to read it in a legal instrument of crim- inal indictment. And for a masterly example of what may truly be called ‘‘the well of Eng- lish undefiled,” commend us to the pen of a Connecticut County Prosecutor. We are in- debted to our esteemed and always enterpris- ing contemporary, the Sun, for a verbatin et liberatim copy of the indictment found in the celebrated (alleged) murder case now being tried at New Haven, from which we read: “That James Malley, Jr, Walter E. Malley and Blanch Douglas, late of the town and county of New Haven, not having the fear of God before their eyes, but being moved and seduced by the instigation of the devil, wickedly contriving and intending one Jennie Cramer, on the fourth day of August, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and eighty-one; witli force and arms, at the town of Orange, in said county, feloniously, willfully, and of their malice aforethought, several quantities of a certain deadly poison called ar- senic, did give and administer unto the said Jennie Cramer, with intent that she should take and swallow down the sume into her body (they then and there well knowing the said arsenic to be a deadly poison), and the said several quantities of arsenic so given and ad- ministered unto her the said Jennie Cramer did then and there take and swallow down into her body,” ete., ete. This is by no means the whole of the pre- cious document (which goes on iterating and reiterating times without number the single specification of taking and swallowing down “into her body,” as usual), but enough is as good as a feast. The unlegal outside world ought, after this, to labor under no future misapprehension as to how the arsenic was administered—if administered it was, which is, we believe, a matter yet to be proved. But if any incredulous person has hitherto en- tertained a doubt as to whether the unfortu- nate woman actually ‘‘swallowed it (the alleged poison) down into her body,” or perchanee swallowed it up into her head,.such doubt will . at once be removed by thé beautiful simplicity and crystal logic of the ‘“ aforesaid” legal phraseolgy “herein above mentioned.” KNOWLEDGE without practice makes a poor lawyer. comicbooks.com