Judge — April 29, 1882 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. BUSINESS 18 BUSINESS. Deacox—{ Whispering).—We don't take mutilated coin, and this is a trade dollar with a hole in it when laboring under a great stress of ex- citement. Iwas. We were finally settled in our new home. What is home-settling without a mother-in- law? My mother-in-law helped us to settle, and she also quite settled me. Of course, I told that threadbare story about the stick of kindling-wood flying up and hitting me in the eye, when my friends interested themselves about the chromo about my injured: optic organ. That mother-in-law of mine is a’ per- fect jewel of the species. She looms up great when the occasion presents itself, and if no occasion is presented, she never hesitates to present one upon her own responsibility. She thinks so much of me that she always takes her Sunday dinner at my home. Itmay ~seem strange, but I never enjoy. a Sunday dinner unless I am away from home. My amiable spouse had rented a flat. Our neighbors up-stairs are all musicians, and members of the orchestra at one of the lead- ing theaters. x They practice out of business hours, and I enjoy that, for those hours are also my out of. *“Wabiness hours." \Nex ~~ Our neighbors down-stairs are—well, I don't really know what they are. lawake at midnight, and I hear a voice say: “Make your game, gentlemen.” I awake at two a. M., and I hear the pop- ping of beer-bottles. I go down-stairs early in the morning, and before my down-stairs neighbors have cleaned up, and I smell stale cigar stumps and beer slops. I much mistrust they have not been holding a Bible class down there. I admire children, but my neighbor on the right has eleven, and none are cripples and bed-ridden. My wife quarreled with the female across the court. Our clothesline is attached to that female's window-sill. That female threw dirty water out, and my co'lars and shirts were next to her window. I'l move again, and then I won't ever move any more. H, 8. KELLER. Our Franco-American contemporary, Le, Courier des Etats-Unis, appears in great dis- tress of mind over the proposed Congressional temperance legislation. Its fears are unnec- essary, because, groundl When any Amer- ican Congress:¥otes to’ do .away with liquor, there will be nobody left on this. continent to drink it—be sure of that! Sm Wi-rreD Lawson, M.P., calls atten- tion to the fact that the newspapers of the English liquor dealers have bestowed upon him the following titles: ‘‘That Old Cracked Tea-pot, the Watery Jester, a Demented Creat- ure, that Washed-out Water Party, the Driv- eling Idiot, the Brainless Fanatic, the Confis- catory Molly Coddle, the Empty-headed Noodle, the Peregrinating Pump Handle, the ‘Tea-drinking Twaddler, the Pop-bottle Pump Orator, the Permissive Platitudinist, the Peri- patetic Agitator, the Utopian Dreamer, the Maudlin Mountebank, the Crooning Clown, that Fool of Fools, the Wailing Cant, the Ar- rant Humbug, the Apostle of Slops.” And yet this insatiate M.P. does not appear to be at all satisfied with the multiplicity of honors thus conferred! We wonder what he imag- ines the English language really capable of? Ir Jumbo had only known that his new owner was @ teetotaler, it is extremely doubt- ful whether he would have consented to come to America at all. Ir was indeed a Chili day when James G. Blaine got left—but then there is no account- ing for the weather, you know. AMENITIES of the season: Influenzical gen- tleman to caller—‘‘It is really very kind of you to'dropin. _ Can Loffer yousomething—a basin-of-gruel, or a glass-of cough mixture? Don't say no!” A CORRESPONDENT wants to know why it is that Samuel J. Tilden is called ‘the Sage,” etc. We don’t know, except it be from the fact that Charles A. Dana happens to consider him ‘just the cheese” for President. FAMILIAR HYMN. (Stightty aterea to suts the time.) Wuen Shipherd on Peru began To cast a wishful eye, He entertained two serving men, And both of them were sly. (Please omit the conclading stanzas for the present.) ‘TALMAGE is reported as saying he could tell a humbug at first glance. When that gentle- man is shaving, this reflection must flash upon him almost in the light of a personal matter. AN embarrassed financier calls his bills of exchange ‘“boomerangs” because when he sends them out in any direction they are sure to come back to him, protested. Tae Berliners are turning up their noses at the appointment of Sargent as minister. Well, really, this is characteristic! And who would they have, pray—a full major-general? Or would they prefer a field marshal? Perhaps Bismarck had better take the matter in hand and appoint one himself. Tr is said that Mr. John M. Francis, of the Troy Times, is willing to leave his country for his country’s good, providing he can get a foreign"appointment thrown in as inducement, Disinterested patriotism of this sort. merits recognition. We hope he may get it. BOOUNA STATE LinnaRy “3 comicbooks.com