Judge — April 29, 1882 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

| I vi i I ilk SSS SS i S SSSA 4 SENSATIONAL DISCOVERY. Is it a monkey and brother, or only a cocoanut? NO CHANGE. Oxe William, a country lad, given to drinking, Ono evening was stumbling home to his bed, When a light in a wayside church set him thinking, And thoughts of repentance came into his head. So Into the house of prayer softly he entered, And, very appropriately, he sat down On a bench, where the thoughts of the good people centered, Which they kept for the sinners who dwelt in their town. While the parson, good soul! was engaged in instilling ‘Thoughts of wisdom and piety into each mind, A gray-haired old deacon, less cautious than willing, Spoke words of encouragement to all he might find. The deacon, whose mind was intent on conversion, Spied William at length, as he came into range; So at once—for he spared neither time nor exertion— He inquired: * My friend, do you feel any changet” With the air of a senator, William arose, Bat he slightly mistook what the good deacon meant ; For, after exploring the depths of his clothes, He replied, quite regretfully, “Not a confounded cent!” <i. ¥. SPECK. FROM NORRISTOWN. Tue wife of a captain of a canal boat re- fused to accompany her husband on his first trip on the Erie Canal this spring, on account of the several recent marine disasters, “Mules,” she says, ‘‘are stubborn things, and one doesn’t know how soon the boat may strike a rock, split open her quarter jibboom poop deck, and lose her sky-light scupper rudder, smash a hole in her double-masted halyards, and send the vessel and its living freight to the bottom of the treacherousdeep.” Sure enough. Tue: way the Women Righters read it— “Man wants women to have but little here below.” A Few weeks ago a number of young men of Morrisburgh undertook to organize a dramatic society. They have got as far as the “dram” and the “attic,” and hope to consolidate the two pretty soon, Tue ‘Mosquito Galop” is the title of a piece of music, If it is as bad as some com- positions, it may be relied upon to make the mosquito galop, when played in the insect’s hearing. Ir has been discovered that a very good quality of whisky can be manufactured from old boots. Of course, boots that once con- tained “snakes” are the brand selected, and the reptiles are resuscitated in the process of distillation. Wuen Oscar Wilde goes to California and secs thousands of lilies and dahlias growing about the premises of the Chinese, he will at once infer that this manifestation of a love for his favorite flower is due to his visit to this country. But when he learns that the almond- eyed heathen cut the bulbs off of these plants, and use them for potatoes and onions, the sesthete will be so disgusted that he will join in thecry, ‘‘The Chinese must go!” AN advanced thinker believes that the day will come when medical science will discover a way to vaccinate people against dyspepsia, liver complaint, consumption, and other ills. What is more badly needed, however, is a modern Jenner to discover a way of vaccina- ting against poverty. Almost any man would give five dollars to be vaccinated against such a scourge; though we suppose it would cost like the dickens to be inoculated where it would do the most good with virus from Vanderbilt or Jay Gould, or with a scab from the Rothschilds. At a Sunday-school Convention the other day, one of the subjects discussed was, ‘‘ How best to keep the boys in Sunday-school.” ‘The sense of the convention appeared to be that the only sure method was to kill the boy, embalm him, and have shelves built in the school-room on which to place him. Or words to that effect. One speaker, however, be- lieved that ‘‘ rewards” went far towards in- ducing pupils to attend regularly, and in his school he had found the gift ofa pretzel toa scholar quite efficacious. Another teacher thought that when the pupil got a few years older he would look for a glass of beer with his pretzel, and the line must be drawn some- where. It does seem as though something would have to be done to keep boys in Sunday- school, and as a base ball ground and fish pond are impracticable, we don’t know what. remedy to suggest. A RECIPE in a cook-book tells ‘‘How to make kisses.” Singularly enough, the pro- cess entails more trouble and expense than the old way, introduced by the late Mr. Adam in the Garden of Eden. TWENTY years ago a man in Bradville, thinking he was going to die, had a coffin made to order, which was a ‘‘lovely fit.” He still lives, however, and has grown three inches taller; and now, in order to make the coffin fit, he will either have to erect a bay window in the end of the casket, knock out its tail-board, or have his feet amputated. If he wishes to preserve the symmetry of the coffin, he will adopt the latter alternative. A SCIENTIFIC paper says some of the most important inventions have been the work of mere boys. Too true. It was a mere boy who invented a little contrivance that has caused more youths to suddenly rise in the world than any other invention ever intro- duced. We refer to the bent pin. It was a boy also who conceived the brilliant idea of inducing a dog to travel at the rate of five hundred miles an hour by simply attaching a piece of tinware to the animal's tail. These inventions may not be so important as some others, but they admirably illustrate the mechanical bent of the boy. A FASHION item says ‘‘old leather work is coming in vogue again.” A young man who was assisted from the front-door the other night by her cruel parent's foot, says he is painfully aware of the fact. He prefers plush work. The impression is not so lasting. Anna Dickinson is going to London toplay Hamlet. We had intended to add that if Anna didn’t make John Bull wish he had never been born, we would probably go over there ourself; but more mean things have al- ready been said about this talented American woman than she deserves. She may not be able to play Hamlet to please the critics; but what of that? There are critics who say Minnie Hauk can’t sing. They are not in an insane asylum either. J. HW. comicbooks.com