Judge — April 22, 1882 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

cannot tell a lie, I am the guilty wretch. | total failure that year, and that portion of the | remains unfinished. One at a time, gentlemen Hang m or words to that effect, As he was speaking, an old man yelled out, “Ob, illustrious vizier! Place uo credence in that man's story. He's a Washington corre- spondent, and therefore a total stranger to truth. I killed the woman, and d ve death!” ‘The vizier and his relatives were released, and the two self-confessed murderers ordered to be hanged in their stead, “And,” gen- y observed the caliph, letting his eyes skirmish over the crowd, ‘‘if there are an more persons present wko are alone guilty of | °° . r Pp vol | York standing before an the crime, Iet them evince no delicacy speaking up. Iam disposed to be accommo: dating. The gibbetsare ready, and it would be a shame to disappoint this large concourse of happy, expectant people, who have come from near and afar, anticipating as much pleasure as if they had left home to visit a circus.” There were, singularly enough, no responses —save one, which evidently came from an American humorist. ‘Oh, Commander of the Faithful!” he said, ‘we don't want to go to the Beautiful Land by way of Your-rope.” He was seized and hammered into an unrec- ognized mass in the twinkling of an eye, and the coroner's jury returned a verdict of justi- fiable homicide. The caliph then ordered his vizier to pro- ceed with the programme, and if ro other per- son confessed having murdered the woman, he might utilize the other thirty-nine gibbets by stringing up a “ Pinafore” troupe or a couple of fife and drum corps who had been making night hideous for some time. The vizier was about executing his orders, when a policeman, accompanied by an officer of the Bagdad Insane Asylum, interrupted the proceedings and explained that the youth and old man were escaped lunatics, and had never committed a murder, And a more disappointed crowd of people was never scen in Bagdad. ‘The sultan was much pleased with the story, bat said he failed to see where the three apples came in. Scheherazade said that, owing to the severe cold winter, the apple crop was a story must necessarily be omitted. — It was | subsequently discovered that the mutilated | boily found in the trunk had been stolen from | an Ohio grave-yard, and was traced to a Cin- cinnati medical college, where it had been dissected. And thus the mystery was satis- } factorily explained. 3. BW | A Mistake. | | Nor long ago wo made mention of the fact | | of having seen the handsomest girl in New | ncurtained window, | ing her lover. We are uow convinced | that wemade a mistake. We ought not to have mentioned it, for since then we have received something like a bushe of letters from young ladies, begging that we will not | give them away, each one pretending that she Was not aware that the blind was not pulled down at the time, and promising to be more careful in the future. What are we to do? We certainly were not aware that “the hand | somest girl in Now and York” was so numerous arcless. New Works in the Press. (Awaiting impatiently to come out.) “Life of a Dog,” by a man who has led one. | Shut Up and Locked,” by the author of “Gates Ajar.” | “In and Gon “Out and About.” eth Down Like an Oyster,” by the | author ef Cometh Up as a Flower.” Who Breaks Doesn't Pay,” by the author of “Who Breaks Pays. My Walking Stic | | 0 Bed,” by the author of ” uniform with Byroa’s “ Ancedotes of Vanity,” with a portrait of the author of “* Men I Have Met.” Address Doevr & Co., Boston, Mass, A WELL-TRAINED pump never kicks over the milk, | all, a lover of his specic. | there? Jive, by | it entirely to yourself. Ratuer a queer mistake: That of the Al- bany legislator who called Old Salt"—‘al- together too fresh.” Ir was a Stock Exchange humorist who un- consciously remarked that every miser is, after Tue rose is said to blush, and it is no won- der, considering the things that are done un- der it. “Tene were giants in those days,” were Well, how about these days, at Bun- nell’s Museum? TURNING poiut in life then dye. See gray bairs and SvBscrirtios papers are in circulation for funds to restore the Temple of Solomon at Jo- rusalem. We decline to become a subscriber so long as the proposed monument to Adam —one at a time, is our motto, QueRY for smokers: Ifa cigar makes a man an inquiring exchange. Well, it de- pends. If you make a book after the pre- scribed fashion, no, But if you undertake to make a book at the expense of the publisher, going through ” his esta)lishment, then we should say it was, and largely so. Domestic phenomenon: When poverty comes in atthe door, the Turkey carpet hangs out of the window of the second-hand furniture dealer, TueRe's a bare possibility that Anthony Comstock can't tell the naked truth—when ho sees it. Panis contains one hundred women journal- ists. They fasten “copy” on the various pa- pers with hooks-and-eyes. OLD Daddy Neptune has a moan opoly of the “sad-seawave" racket. Tue majority of our oft-quoted “selfmade men ” require constant tinkering to keep them in sound condition. AND now it appears that the President is to “retire” General McDowell. Well do we re- call one excessively warm day in July, 1861, when the doughty warrior “retired” without waiting for the President's order; and hosts of nervons patriots followed him, more on a Bull's Run than at a dog's trot. A non est man is conceded to be the no blest work of defaleation. How to make a watch keep time: Never wind it up. It will then keep the same time all the ycar round. How to keep a birthday decorously:_ Keep comicbooks.com