Judge — April 1, 1882 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. WHAT IT MAY PO: TO. BLY COME An Escape of Social “G. A. S.” Twat garrulous old journalistic rag-bagger of the London Illustrated News, whose initials (“G, A. S.") are so singularly appropriate to the subject matter under which they figure, opines that “there is not the slightest reason why the American people should gulp down three-quarters of a pint of iced-water before breakfast all the year round,” and adds: “ But they will do it, and ‘they all do it,’ and there is no use to dissuade them from the deleterious practice.” This statement is significant enough, almost, to warrant a display of dan- ger signals at the Public Health Office. But where and how the mischief did “G. A. S.” get at the bottom of what has hitherto been regarded as a profound mystery, we wonder? When he (the “G. A, Sy" scribe) visited ew York a couple of years since, he was en- tertained, of course, at the Clinton Place Wallhalla of our rather more than distinguish ed fellow-citizen, Sam Ward, Esquire, Poet, Lobbyist, Epicurean, Philosopher, Judge (of wines), Promoter (of cocking mains), and Per- sonal Intimate of Kings, Dukes, Duch Lord High Chancellors, Marquises, Viscounts, Baronets, Prebendaries and hetes—in short, a man of the world, including both hemi- spheres. Now, it is a well-known fact that Uncle Sam is a temperance man “up to the handle,” 80 to —the handle of the pump being understood, of course. According to the authority of the latest and most reliable contraband interviewed on the subject, S. W. keeps at least three pumps for his own pi sonal and particular use, not to mention the usual supply of Croton constantly on hand. Hence, the “gulping down of three-quarters of a pint of iced-water before breakfast, nothing for a man of his tastes and habits. With a prudence that is commendable, how: ever, in an habitual violator of social confi- dence, ‘“G. A. S.” fails to make mention of the accompanying ingredients that go to make up the only original and truly American beverage. Here is the recipe: Aqua Pura, 3-4 pt Spiritus Frument, 16 ozs, Saccharum, 25 gra. Tine. Holl., 1-2 scr. To be well shaken up and taken carly and often—with 8 bit of lemon-peel aided ‘The above analysis docs not differ materially in any of the products of Uncle Sam's several “pumps.” They are far more reliable than the potations of the morning milkman, and a deal more refreshing, But then some people (notably among them “G, A. S.” apparently) never are, nor will be, satisfied. In their alimentary Index Expurgatorius, “Aqua Pura” is of course out of place, and consider- ably worse than useless. We are sorry for “GA. S.” and his wasted American oppor: tunities. But be mustn't undertake to ‘go back” on Sam Ward. ‘That is, as S. W.'s latest English guest would phrase it, too-too much. Let “G, A. S.” re-read at his leisure the following pathetic little ballad (Words by Sam Ward: Music by Stephen Masset): SONG OF THE PUMPERS The party who but drinketh eau, And unto bel retireth sober, Shall fall, a8 good Sam Ward doth show, Like leaves, that leave us in October. Bat he who takes his rapture straight From Uncle Samnet's fountain mellow, Shall rise with only addled pate, And toast the whole world’s chosen fellow. Ayotuer ‘Friend of the Late President” made his appearance in the newspapers as the peddler of a private letter, dated 1863, and sharply criticising the military capacity of General W. S. Rosecrans, whose chief-of- staff the writer at that time was. If ever mortal man had reason for praying to be saved from his friends, that man appears to have been President Garfield. Mr. Henry C. P. Pepper has been en- deavoring to demonstrate ‘Garficld’s Place in History.” It strikes us, however, that brother Pedder would have done better to have demonstrated his own place in history— if he has any ; although we do not accuse him of that fortune. Tuey spell it “Patients” now, and do it in burnt cork and wool wigs. And yet the pa- tience of a severely played-upon and long. suffering public is by no means exhausted. —Correspondent. Speaking of Patients on a monument smiling at the blues, is Billy Birch the mon-you-ment?—Our Punster. Very nice things, really now, those Vander bilt art receptions, But it must cost the en- tertainer a lot of money, you know, to have | constantly on hand a police squad for the pur- pose of checking the thoughtlessness of absent- minded friends, who might otherwise unin- tentionally pocket and carry away some little article of virtu lying loosely around. How- ever, if the host can stand it, the guests ought to, surely. Wovtpy’r it be just “too too appropziate” for some playwright to write a nice drama, called “The Little Old Woman,” for Maggie Mitchell? ERY cultured lover of fine dramatic art is, at the present time, Rhea”t glad that a certain actress is scoring brilliant triumphs. JouN, you cannot become a citizen. You do not take interest enough in politics, and besides there are too many other foreigners here for you to buck against. A Few Remarks, Foon for both body and mind: Bacon. DIsTINGUISHING trait of animal spirits: horse laugh. OnictnaL attic salt: A Greek sailor, Porst no point: Imaginary application of a Talmage sermon, A conspicvous sign in Clinton Place, this city, displays the announcement: ‘Colored Book Concern.” Whether the term refers to the color of the paper used in book-making, or the ink, or the binding, we are unable to say. Altogether the “concern "aforesaid has a dark look about it. SMaut talk is like small beer: A little of it goes a great ways. ‘THE imprudent man carries postage stamps in his pocket. ‘The prudent man never does— for he knows very well that he can borrow of the imprudent. Moral: Prudence is wisdom —and gain withal. LEGAL DEFINITION: What is a simple con- tract?) Where one man makes a foolish bar- gain with another. Macnetu’s supper ejaculation, “ Unreal mockery, hence!” might have referred to one of Lady M.'s mock-turtle soups. “ Wuy does a man stop growing tall about the time his whiskers commence to sprout? Because he then begins growing down, “Tr is not all of life to live"—in a second- class boarding-house. But it comes pretty close to the latter clause of the continued quotation. Pet name foran auctioneer’s wife: “ Biddy.’ FasnionaB.e circles: Round dances. You may know mock modesty as you do mock turtle, from its being the product of a calfs head. Tue wheel of fortune must have belonged originally to an omnibus, for it is continually taking up and putting down people. Item for the hungry poor: Brentano sells ‘Dinners for the Million” at ten cents each. Taken for Granted: The diplomatic ap- pointment of Mr. John Russell Young. X iy Algebra stands for an unknown quan- tity. It is pretty much the same thing,in beer, X and XX frequently stand for an un- known quantity—of hops and malt. You never know what a woman doesn't mean until after she has spoken. And don't you forget it. comicbooks.com