Judge — March 25, 1882 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. Revised Arabian Nights. THE HISTORY OF AMINE. Next morning the Sultaness Scheherazade, having pinned on her back hair, penciled her eyebrows and heightened the color in her cheeks with a little rouge, requested Bridget- anne, her maid, to summon tlie Sultan to hear the narrative of Amine. “Why, how lovely you are looking!” ex- claimed the Sultan, as he was ushered into his wife's presence. The Sultaness said she was born that way, and motioning the Sultan to a seat, resumed her narrative. Upon the conclusion of Zobeide’s story, Amine, her sister, related her history, ‘in sub- stance as follows”: “ Commander of the Faith- ful, until quite recently my life was as dull and uninteresting as a Congressional debate on the finances. I was very fortunate in mar- riage, my husband, besides bringing me riches, being thoughtful enough to dic in a few months and leave me a young and wealthy widow. I gave him a costly funeral and four verses of mortuary poetry aNer his death an- nouncement in the Philadelphia Ledger, and umed a becoming and natural grief by pro- curing several elegant mourning dresses from Worth, of Paris, As the months rolled on I made many mash—that is, had many suitors, and on the 1th day of February I was the re- cipient of numerous valentines, costing from one to twenty dollars each—the latter being sent by infatuated clerks whose salaries were not over ten dollars a week, “One day a nice old lady, with gold specta- eles and lace mitts, came to my house and in- vited me to the wedding of her daughter, who, she said, was to be married in a few hours, and desired my presence to give tone to the affair, Her neighbor's daughter, she ex- plained, was married last week, and the rich Mrs. Tobakuk was present shimmering in $25,000 worth of diamonds, and she wished me to wear my richest jetvels, so that her daughter's marriage might outshine that of the hateful red-headed thing across the way. “T complied with her request, feeling some- what proud of the compliment conveyed in the invitation. Iwas conducted to a handsome residence, where I was received by a young lady, who would have been very pretty if she had not worn her hair banged and plastered low on her forehead with quince seed juice. I supposed this lady was to be the bride, but what was my surprise on being informed by her that her brother had fallen in love with me, and threatened to commit suicide or play Bunthorne in an amateur ‘Patience’ com- pany, if I did not marry, him; * and,’ s' sadd- ed, wringing her hands and looking Leseech- ingly into my eyes, ‘we could not survive either disgrace.’ At first I was inclined to be angry at the miserable subterfuge, but when I saw the young man my feelings un- derwent a phenomenal change. He had a lovely mustache, and was so comely that Barnum had offered him ten thousand dollars to travel one season with his show as the ‘handsomest man in the world'—a_ proposi- tion he scornfully declined. Well, I—I—in- stead of becoming a guest I became a bride. Wasn't it too ridiculous consummately utter all but too quite? “My husband, immediately ater our mar- riage, exacted a promise from me that I would neither speak to nor be seen by any man but himself. Foolish woman that I was, In lected to make him promise not to speak to nor be seen by any woman but myself, “One morning, having occasion to make a few purchases, I put on my myrtle-green cam- el’shair serge, trimmed with silk plush, my Delphine overskirt with bouffant back dra- pery, and my Niniche hat of myrtle-grcen plush to mateh the dress, trimmed with shaded green, gold and red pstrich tips, and started out to the store, heavily veiled, and accom- panied by an oid woman and two slaves, After inspecting not less than ten thousand dollars’ worth of goods, I bought a paper of needles and a spool of cotton, and asked the price. The merchant said if I would permit him to kiss my cheek he would call it equare. Although not displeased with the man’s infat- uation, I feigned to be deeply offended, and told the old woman to call the police, but in- stead of obeying me, she urged me to accept his terms, reminding me that a penny saved was two pence earned. I foolishly consented. I put aside my veil, but instead of a kiss, the merchant bit me until the blood came, “Twas conveyed home in a swoon and a . In the evening my husband asked the cause of the wound on my check. ‘I must semble,’ I said to myself; and told him tiat c out in the back-yard secretly listening to a couple of neighbors pulling to pieces the char- acter of one of their dear friends, a strange cat bit me on the check, My husband tore out a handful of his beard and cried: ‘To-morrow every cat in the city shall be slaughtered be- fore the sun is an hour high!" Being fond of cats—loving to lie awake at midnight list- ening to their vocal serenades--I told him that I was jesting; that the injury was caused by a street-car conductor starting his car as I was in the act of stepping off, and throwing meon my face, My husband tore out another handful of his beard and exclaimed: ‘'To-mor- row all the street-car conductors in the cil shall be hanged tolamp-posts—the wretche: whi I became frightened at this, and said the street-car conductors were not guilty. As I was passing a newspaper oflice this morning, aspring poet, with long hair, a frightened look and a big roll of manuscript, eame down a flight of stairs head-foremost, and, colliding with me, my check struck an awning-post. My husband tore out another handful of his beard, and furiously shouted that all the spring poets in the city should be shot, and all the newspaper offices blown up with dyna. mite. his threat greatly augmented my alarm. ‘Spare them,’ I pleaded. ‘They aro not guilty, While running upstairs th afternoon I tripped and trod on my check. ‘Then the foot that inflicted the damage must be amputated,’ howled my husband. ‘Tlere, you'—turning to a bring hither a cross-cut saw and a meat-axe, and a basin to catch the blood.’ “Oh, sir,’ I entreated, ‘spare me. I'll tell you the truth, As I was walking down Broadway this afternoon, a clumsy clown car- av ja under h rying an umbre! arm accidentally Jabbed me in the check.’ My husband pulled out another handful of his beard, and ordered that henceforth every man caught carrying an umbrella in a careless, charge-bayonet fash- ion, be quartered alive on the spot. Idid not demur at this threat, for I believed that th persons, who had frequently been dee nuisance by the press, merited a severe pun- ishment, and quartering alive would be apt to effect a permanent cure. And so the next day all the men found carrying umbrellas in a criminally careless manner, jabbing persons on the right and on the left, were summarily put to death, and in a few weeks a wholesome reform was apparent. When the nuisai was entirely abated, the happy and apprecia- tive citizens held a mass meeting, and resolutions thanking my husband for the great benefit he had conferred on the city, presented him with 50,000 sequins, and gave him a big medal containing the legend ‘306,’ these figures representing the number of umbrella fiends sent hence; and when he wore it he was mistaken for one of the Old Guard who voted for Grant at Chicago. “Thus, O Commander of the Faithful, it will be scen that a lie will sometimes bring many blessings as the truth.” © ed a J. Ww, Ir anybody is credulous enough to harbor a doubt that the Chinaman is a terribly disso- lute and dangerous character, let him fortify his wavering faith with the following t graphic dispatch: Sayta Fr March 10.—A short time bet two men entered the laundry of placed a noose around his neck and nearly angled him. ‘The Chinaman resisting, bis assa clubbed him with a revolver, inflicting probably fatal wounds, and then robbed him of $100. And so it would seem that the depraved Chinaman actually “resisted” the kindly at- tention of his visitors; otherwise, perhaps, he would only have been robbed without club- Ding and strangling. But what business had he to ‘ resist,” anyhow? Can it be possible that this heathen barbarian was ignorant of the fact that his hard-earned shekels were common property in an immeasurably great and truly good Caucasian community like Santa Fe, N. M.?. If any further proof were needed as to why the Chinaman should “go,” and quick, this little New Mexican episode sets it forth so clearly that even those who run may read. A Wiscoysiy man killed his opponent with a pot of paint; and the opponent probably went otf with flying colors. Featnernean politic on never being down. plume themselves It must have been a cold day when the man said the mercury was so high that his tecth ached. Rapp transformation: A very thin man has been scen to fall plump on the sidewalk. TREWARD for a pertu $1.00 pete eouaese Tanta; also The Wortd'a Pair. and w he work) for pancency, strength, a made of Ottar of hoses and French, comicbooks.com