Judge — March 4, 1882 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Our Original Norristown Budget. Mr ARTE Marc took the first premium for cooking at a recent fair. Ifa young man is in doubt as to the best month to marry, we suggest March. AMERICAN social customs continue to branch out and make glad waste places, and add joy to thousands of homes, and conquer foreign nations, and—and so forth, as it were. The seductive game of draw-poker has been intro- duced into Japan, where it has met with an enthusiastic reception. Draw-poker, if we have not been misinformed, is a soulful game, something similar to copenhagen played at school pic-nies, the young people of joining hands, and the girl that is discovered with the bean in her possession must kiss all the fellows in the room—or some- how that way. It is not surprising that the Japanese tackle kindly to it. Ir is said the snow is so deep in some parts of Canada that the people are obliged to go in and out of their houses by way of the chimney. (That's all. If any one sup- posed that we intended to add that this mode of ingress and egress just soots 'em, they will see their error.) AMONG a list of publications in an agricul- tural journal is one entitled ‘Stonehenge on the Dog.” A book about a man on a dog may be asinteresting and thrilling asa French novel in which the villain gets killed four times and the hero married once, but we should think a story about Stonchenge on the Rhinoceros or on aShark would be fifty per cent. more excit- ing. Kinatt, the church debt raiser, has lifted the debts from one hundred and seventy-five churches. The trouble with this sort of ‘lift- ing" is that it too nearly resembles a camp- meeting conversio1 It won't stay lifted. ‘The churches backslide in less than a year, and another lift is necessary, ‘Tue copy read: “Brown University has a ‘Mu Pi’ Society.” ‘The intelligent composi- tor didn’t want to wide-space the line, so he made it read: ‘‘ Brown University has a ‘Mut- ton Pie’ Society.” They couldn't fool him on abbreviations. A News item tells how a man fell from the roof of a three-story building and landed on his fect, and now he is four inches shorter than before the accident. This reminds us of that lumberman in Minnesota who was pressed so flat by a huge log rolling upon him that he is now unable to lie in bed on his side without cutting through the mattress and finding him- self on the floor in the morning. The accident has proved an advantage to him in one par- ticular, however. When he returns home at midnight and finds he is locked out, he has the Renaissance bulge on his wife. Instead of rousing the neighbors by hammering on the door, he simply takes the buttons off his coat and vest and crawls through the bottom crack. A MAN who invested ten dollars in a lottery is mad because he didn’t draw ten thousand dollars, and denounces the concern as a glar- ing fraud. If every man who invests ten dollars in a lottery was to receive ten thou- sand in return, we should never hear a word about such concerns being swindles. It is a wonder the managers never thought of this, A country debating society, a few nights ago, discussed this question: “ Which is the most despicable person—Guiteau, who shot the President, or the newspaper paragraphist who makes trifling jokes on the lost Charley Ross?” The vote was a tie. A youNG man has broken off his engage- ment for the queerest reason. He doesn’t go to see his girl any more because her father has such awkward fect, he says, and has a reck- less habit of putting them in one place and another that deserves the severest censure. “old lady" gives this advice to the girls: “Whenever a young man pops the question, don't blush and stare at your feet, but throw your arms around his nec!:, look him full in the face, and commence talking abont the furni- ture.” The old lady means well. No young man would object to the throwing-the-arms- around-the-neck part; but perhaps it would be better not to talk about furniture—especial- ly high-priced furniture of the Queen Anne or Eastlake pattern, or the Renaissance period. Some young men are timid, and this mixing up business with love is not in consonance with their feelings. They may be getting only cight dollars a week salary, and had planned to live with the girl's parents. AGRICULTURAL societies have learned by experience that a cattle show without a horse race doesn’t put as much money in the treas- ury as a horse race without a cattle show. ‘This is the reason horse races given under the auspices of agricultural societies are called cattle shows. AN old granger was in town last week and bought two 1881 almanacs, because the dealer let him have them cheaper than one 1882 cal- endar. Economy isa good thing, but that old farmer is going to get badly sold on the Fourth of July, and will get drunk one day in advance of his neighbors. He's got just as reliable weather, however, as if he had pur- chased this year’s almanac—and more of it. Patti offered to sing one night in Peters- burg, Va., for $8,000. When it is remem- bered that she could sing one night in Pe burg without neglecting any other business, her terms seem a trifle exorbitant, Editors of daily newspapers probably have about as little leisure for outside work as any other people under the sun, and yet more than one could be found who would sing one night in Petersburg for one-half of the sum demanded by Patti, even if the paper had to go to pr for once without an editorial on ‘The Stal- warts vs. the Half-Breeds.” Ir has long been an accepted theory that a large head denotes intelligence; and a recent writer says a race of long, flat-headed people on the west coast of Africa average the largest skulls, as far as the returns have been received. The great achievements in literature, science and art of these big-headed people of the west coast of Africa have not yet reached this country, owing, probably, toa snow blockade. Or it may be that the rule has missed fire in the case of the African. A cave in New York State has a bridal chamber, a chapel, a music hall, a devil's gateway, and a giant's study. These names are all very appropriate, considering that a bride never slept in the bridal chamber—and wouldn't for $100,000—religious services were never held in the chapel, a concert was never heard in the music hall, the devil never entered the gateway, and it would be safe to wager ten thousand dollars that a giant was never known to study a single lesson in the giant’s study. w. All About a Postal Card, Ove night I was awakened by voices in the next room. I listened, and found there was a game of cards in progress. A game of poker. “What have you got?” asked a voice. “Two pairs,” was the reply. “What are they?” “When Maria brought mo that postal card —aces and deuces—of course I didn't get it on time, it was directed to West Sixteenth strect. What have I? Oh! Aces and deuces.” “That's high. “They had written on it, ‘ Not found.’ a wonder I ever got it——” “Deal the cards, please.” ‘When Maria brought me that postal card I never—— Have you discarded? I might never have got it. How many do you want? Two? Itwasdirected to West Sixteenth strect. What do you bet? They had written on it ‘Not found.’ I'll raise youone. No wonder it was so long coming. What have I? Pair of jacks, Pair of queens? That beats me. When Maria brought me that postal card —” From the slam of cards on the table, a half suppressed oath, and the loud tones that fol- lowed, I inferred something had taken place that might not, had Maria not brought that postal card. It's comicbooks.com