Judge — February 18, 1882 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WORDS FOR PATHETIC MUSIC. By “prickTor.” ‘A now In small-pox nowadays Has brought of course another craze, ‘The craze of vaccination, And now at home, or on the street, The question asked from friends you meet, Is, “How's your vaccination?” Cuorvs. “Take care! bewaro! Don't touch me there! For that’s my vaccinate!” ‘These cries we hear on every side, Whether you walk or eign to ride, “Take care! my vaccinatio The charming girls they all repine, And e'en their gallant escorts whine— “Don't touch my vaccination!” Chorus. I called on Kate the other night; She shrank from me with strange affright, 1 asked an explanation; She cried, “Oh, George, don't hug me so. Ob, gracious goodness, do let go! You hurt my vaccination!” Corus. People in walking keep apart, And at each salutation start, Or guard their vaccination. The thing's become an awfai bore, For nine in ten we meet are sore From this samo vaccination. Chorus, There's some prefer to have it on The limb they walk or stand upon, This scratch for vaccination Bat I prefer to face mishap And have it on some other chap, ‘That itching vaccination. Chorus. Our Original Norristown Budget. ‘A BASHFUL youth in Parksville, wishing to make his male friends believe that he was | solid with the girls, dressed up a dummy straw woman, placed it in the sleigh, took a seat be- side it, and drove through town four times in an hour. Of course he nearly froze to death. A straw woman doesn't possess any more warmth than Charles Francis Adams, and doesn't scrouge up and throw her arms around her male companion when she thinks the sleigh is going to overturn and spill ‘em out in the snow-drift—and a sensible, experienced young | woman, when out sleighing, thinks such an ac- cident is going to occur every five minutes. | ‘And sometimes she scrouges and grabs the | young man when she doesn’t think such an ac- cident is about to occur. Kine Korrer, of Ashantee, recently sent Queen Victoria a present of what is called a “gold axe "—but there is really not much gold about it, The blade is iron, roughly fashioned, with a clumsy handle of oak orna- mented with bands of thin gold, and covered with leopard skin. It was a very appropriate present, and it must be an invigorating spec- tacle to see the queen splitting kindlings with old Koffee’s axe, or nailing a picket on the fence. The king manifested considerable fore- thought when he wrapped the handle of his present with leopard skin. This enables Mrs. Victoria to use the implement without raising blood-blisters on her hands. It may be that THE JUDGE. the queen, although a very economical woman, does not split her own kindlings, and some persons may wonder what she wants with an old axe, anyway, But it will be handy to have in the house, When a woman wants to crack a shellbark on the brick hearth, and a hammer or flat-iron is not convenient, then it is that the axe is utilized, and with this she gives the nut such a powerful whack that a piece of the shell strikes her in the eye, and the kernel is mashed and becomes so much a part of the brick that it is necessary to scrape it off with a case-knife. The queen will find the axe very useful in braining burglars, if nothing else. Ir you have tears, prepare to shed them now. A society belle’s twenty-dollar English pug was cut off in its youth last week by get- ing a horrid bone cat-a-cornered in its throat, and its mistress is inconsolable. Ah, how little the common world knows of the grief and gloom desolating the hearts of the wealthy, where all should be content, and so forth. ANE politicians.” Very few persons supposed that politicians were addicted to tricks. It docsn’t seem possible. Next we may expect to hear that politicians indulge in the vice of profan- ity, and look upon Old Rye when it demor- alizes, Tae new edition of the Dictionary of Syn- onyms will include “ bric-a-brac” and “old trash” among its analogous expressions. Aiso, ‘ shrewd” and “crank.” Ur te the hour of going to press, sixty-four more “genuine Rembrandts” have been dis- covered than old Rem. ever painted. It should be understood by this time that every old scaly canvas that can't be distinguished from an ancient English sign-board into which a dollaraday painter has thrown “soul” and perspective and things, is not a “genu- ine Rembrandt.” It may be an “original Rubens.” “THE common whale seldom exceeds se five feet in length, and is much more fre- quently under sixty.” That settles it. We shall always fish for the other kind. It must be mighty discouraging toa patient angler, when fishing for whales, to suddenly get a good bite, and pull up a common whale less than seventy-five feet in length. It hardly compensates him for spitting on the bait. “(1 pos'r see,” observed a young miss of sweet seventeen and a half springs, as she stood before the mirror last Sunday morning toning up the color in her cheeks, and making other preparations to listen to a sermon on “All is Vanity "—“ I don't see why a Quaker lady should ever have a desire to go to church.” “ W! ‘what do you mean, Clara?” asked her fashionable mother, as she inserted a diamond pin in some flufly lace stuff around her neck. “ Why, you know, ma, that a Quak- er woman wears the plainest kind of clothes, and her style of bonnet doesn’t change once a year.” y York daily speaks of ‘the tricks of | Tue Women’s Society for the Amelioration of Destitute Females met the other day at noon and reported thet the subscriptions re- ceived from the members during the week amounted to four dollars and seventy-five cents, which beggarly sum, the treasurer ob- served, evinced either a deplorable amount of indifference or poverty on the part of the members. Further discussion of the subject was cut short by the president announcing that as nearly every member present wished to attend the Patti matinee, at two dollars a ticket, she would declare the meeting ad- journed for one month, Iv Ukraine, Russia, when a young woman falls in love with a man, she goes to his father’s house and reveals her passion, prom: ising to love, honor and obey. If the youth shies off and doesn't encourage her advances, the smitten damsel doesn't pine and fade away like the tender violet of spring-time. he simply takes a seat, pulls out her crewel- work, and coolly informs the object of her af fections that she will not leave the house until he accepts her proposal. ‘This mode of court- ship makes leap-year entirely superfluous, but it has its drawbacks all the same. For in- stance, if seven or cight young women were to fall in love with the same young man, and call at his father’s house with their knitting and tatting, and declare that they wouldn't leave until he said ‘‘ yes,” the old man’s abode would look as if the Female Sewing Circle of the town was holding an all-night’s session, and the son would go out, purchase fourteen pistols, and make a funeral in the family. A News item says: ‘It is now fashionable for society ladies to have pet monkeys.” It seems after all that the Wilde apostle of wstheticism has succeeded in inoculating our “ society” ladies with a love for the beauti- ful. ‘A QvEeR thing happened in Madame Tous- sand’s wax-works show in London a few days ago. It was proposed to add the figure of Guiteau to the collection, when all the subjects in the Chamber of Horrors threatened to ten- der their resignations. The murderers and pirates and other hardened criminals held an indignation meeting and strongly protested against the proposed outrage. One old w figure who had poisoned his wife and seven children, took the chair and cereously said that “The disgrace about to be ‘eaped hupon us is beastly, you know. We must draw the line somewhere.” It is now believed that if Guiteau is added to the Chamber of Horrors the other figures will become so heated over the matter that they will run. A cuurcH deacon at Providence, R. 1, while opening a bottle of communion wine, recently, broke the glass and cut his hand so severely that he was threatened with lockjaw. ‘This is convincing proof that a deacon should never handle a bottle of wine when it is red, for at last, ete. A scoffer of religion might open twenty bottles of whisky a day without cutting his hand with broken glass. We shall not attempt to explain this apparent enigma. comicbooks.com