Judge — February 11, 1882 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

wakes you go ‘round wlth that there The gals foller me 40, Ise oblige B-IRONICAL. Te ait on rocks, to muse To slowly trace the fore wis er flood and fell 8 shady scone he And where such feet as yout birds and beasts a ving things do dwell ave never bee To clinb into an ant-hill all unseen, Awl wish you hadn't, quicker than it’s told; Alone to feel the spider's bite so kee This is not solitute; “is but to he Converse with Natare’s chart rm na nd charmingly be Ast the crowd, th To bear, The thought that yoo, the world’s tired ham, the shock of m see, to feel, and to possess to bless Your girl The ¢ redres For just to think, with consciousness endued How, whi Anil, w This is to ng parties ; thia, this is solitade! ec, F. COMERS. AN “INSPIRED” SCHEME A Hun Sure Way to Fame ant Portune Dear Jupce: 1 am a humorist—a down trodden, straggling humorist ryears I have been P for the pi Sometimes my lubrications get into print, and sometimes they don't. Frequently they are returned with the le- gend “respectfully declined” inscribed on them. This makes it particularly sad for the under signed, but it only goes to prove that I 3 true born child of genius, All great authors have their ups and downs —especially the latter. But It olved to struggle no longer, I have fooled around too long on the bottom rounds of Fame’s slippery ladder. 1 know I am one of the few really great humorists of the we—the only trouble is that my audien too contracted—I haven't had a chance to get before the people. But [am going to change all this, I ate Dalzel ng hat ve eis been inspired with a daring yet certain plan to accomplish my aim. Iwill sinate some public official—the higher the better—then, when th ganized to go through the form of trying me ourt is or- THE JUDGE. preliminary to my discharge, 1 will have a hance to get in my fine work. My bon mots, flashes of wit, dashing rail- original and sparkling sayings, left-hand. | ed jokes, and cutting sarcasm at the expense of the prosecuting lawyers and their witnesses, will naturally keep the judge, my own law. yers, the jury, and the audience in a constant | roar of laughter. ‘They will be fully reported in the daily papers; I will receive letters from ing journals asking me to contribute at | my own price; people will write to me for my autograph, and send me words of cheer and puragement. — Flowe cks, money, an flow in on me in as cards, wreaths luable presents will ly stream, and I will be the hero—the peerless humorist—of the hour. ‘Thus, at one boli | ‘on the utter myst ap, E will pk nost pinnacle of human ambition impossible that sueh thi happen in real life, doesn’t Yet, the picture is not overdrawn, In fact, 1 have erred in the oppo: could te direction, The above are only a few of the benetits that I shall derive from my unique and pleas ing scheme. ‘The American people are not asses; they | recognize a 1 thing when it comes | along, and when they see me doing my | horizontal best to amuse them in my comic they will sail right in and patronize the performance, and help me along. Then, when I am duly discharged. doubt I will be, I will eithe | book, or a | role of a as no write a the editorship of an ii uential daily journal—probably the latter. Yours Guiteauly, Sawer. THe Scripe. lecture, Keep It Up | The ery is up against the Mormons, and we hope it will be kept up until the di institution is swept from the America. And while the ery is up comes the crucible test for members of Congress. Let the constituency of every member watch his ion upon the bill that has been introdu for the suppression of polygamy, and in th face of the boasts which the Mormon leaders ¢ put forth, that they can buy and sell the jority at any time, and the suspieion that is abroad regarding the morality of certain members, let each man be for ifthey do not act from an of right and justice, let them understand the eyes of honest men and women (oh, that women could vote!) are upon them, and tha there isno escape from political extinetion and | 1 infamy ifthey fail to meet the require- | ments of the age. Keep up the ion, and also keep your eyes on the members of Congress rusting mi pherent sense ¢| ‘THey have been having a classic tragedy at Booth’s Theater this weck—@dipus Tyrannus, written some years ago by one Sophocles. It was spouted in Greek, and there was at rush from Shantytown. Sophocles is deat. ched carefully, | The Hat and its Inmate. We went to hear “Othell Rossi, What we did see was a hat, and what ] we heard were the following criticisms, ad | dressed particularly to the suffering male | cort, but audible to the delighted audience in | the near vicinity: | She,—I thought it was Clara Morris we | were to see. She's so good ; makes you ery | all the time; just lovely. I've seen McCul- lough in the play of Polionus, or 1 | thing. | He (suggestively).—Othetlo ? st nightand see , OF some- She,—Yes, that’s it; the colored one. 1 thought from that it was going to be some- | thing like the minstrels, but it wasn't. ‘That one in the blue suit’s elegant, isn't he? He takes his part well; smiles son He (doubtfully the Jago is good. | She.—Oh, do you like him? 1 think he's horrid, deceiving poor OtheVo that w He.—Oh, 1 ret realizes the — She.--Yes. Lwonderif that's Destemona’s own hair, I don’t see how any one could fall in love with her; she's a perfect fright; aud that dress is not real velvet; don't believe it | cost more than twenty-five cents a yard. 1 knew an actor once; met him at Mt Desert. He said he thought he could play Armand , better than Charley Thorne; and he told me, confidentially, he didn’t: think much of Vallack. He played the Calman in “Our Boarding Hh then, not Wallack, the other one (refreshing pause), What are they pull- ing down the lights for? Are they going to shoot any pistels? If they do I'll seream (breathless pause). Well, am glad it's over. ‘That's the way it ended the last time T saw it. I think they ought to change that. I like it | best when they all get married off, and stand | ina row and bow, But he’s married already, isn'the? Have you got the glasses? It was not a bit funny, real sorrowful, like “ Uncle Tom's Cabin.” Lwonder if they won't change that. Is lost in the crowd still wonderin: to his conception. He | | w 15 | THe Herald is echoing Guiteau’s sentiments and declarations that the “removal” of Garfield ‘ity, by showing that if Blaine had been kept in office until the end of | the term, as he would have been most likely had Garfield lived, he would have plunged the country into a bioody war with South Amer- States, What a pity it is for Guitean that the Herald had not begun this political hurrahearlier. He could then have taken some of the responsibility off the shoulders of the Deity and placed it on those of * Young dim,” for which the Deity would probably have been very grateful, and the young man proportionately puffed up. “Liquor up” is the usual expression, but it strikes us that “ Liquor down ” would be a trifle more “‘accurate"—not to add “able | and alert.” It is said thata w nown New York jour- nalist is to throw up his pen. If he does he'll catch it again, sooner or later, be sure of that. comicbooks.com