Judge — December 31, 1881 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

GRAND | ~lonuren FAIR Tae above is a correct picture of De Jones as he emerged from a recent church fair. He had onl, an hour, and now look at him! And he went in perfectly confident and happy, with his pockets full of money, but more to see the ladies, especially the beautiful drummers who pounce upon their victims as hawks swoop down upon sparrows. Especially do they delight in finding such fellows as De Jones ; a vain fellow, a masher, who has only to look to conquer, for if such roosters have any cash, they are the right game to be be easily pluc De Jones didn’t care a there was for sale in the fair; his affair w fairs of another kind, and he got aught himself as such game usually does. He didn’t care a fig about paying off the chareh debt, the object of the Grand Fair, bat he involuntarily did so all the same to the extent of his avail snap for anything to catch ble cash, for two or three of these sirens got hold of him and talked him into taking chances in raflles for everything from an eight-day stove to a base-burning clock. Not only that, they coaxed him into buying all sorts of articles and then presentin; to the church be used with the sucker, until in less than an hour he be less an object of interest with them, be they had all of his mone Poor De Jones can’t realize it yet. He thinks he must have been drugged and had his pockets picked. Well, we guess he is about right, and he i not the first young noodle who has been drug- ged with female taffy and had his pocket. picked while under the influence of it. Surely and truly, fairs are great purgatives for the pocket-book, but after all they are no worse than banco game them next me wuse Upper Tenderlines. ‘Tue following is a sample of the kind of let- ters which have been sent from time immemo- rial, by people of the pseudo aristocracy, to the society journals for publication, Are they ever used? Mrs. Boneless Codfish Jones, in writing the letter, takes advantage of a visit from a prominent, or at least titled lady of so- been inside about about half THE JUDGE. ciety, to advertise, free of co: own social virtues to herself her which, otherwise, would not be noticed. The paper that Mrs, Bone- less Codfish Jones, nee Susan Smith, uses, cost at least five cents a sheet, and the hand- | colored red-and-gilt’ monogram cost much | The envelope is heavy and costly, and is as delicate in hue as the paper. It is se- | cured by delicately colored sealing wax, im- | pressed with a crest—the same that adorns | the upper edge of the envelope. It is the | crest of the Jones family, supposed to have de. | scended from the time of Wil:iam the Conquer- | or, but which was really devised by a Fifth avenue artist. ‘The original crest of Jones was a black slipper on a groundwork of torn pantaloons, and that of the Smith family was an old gold freckle on a red elbow. But the new crest isa gilt dove, with a red sword in its little paw, and underneath, in pinkeye let- | ters, is the legend: “T love you too much to cut your head of.” | more. The writing is fine, long, graceful, and in the Italian style. Butit is not by Mrs. Bone- less Codfish Jones, It is by the cultured gov- erness of little Miss Divinity Darling Jones. But Mrs, Jones dictates what the governess shall write. To sux Epttor or Tie Jvpor: As your paper is glad to receive genuine news about the leading people of society following notice of a pro a “Mra. Bo Coalfish Jones, that magnificent mem- ber of the elit t summer astonished society at Saratoga by the ty of her person, the usual gracefuln walk, the charming et ravishing el her gems, and the icknowleded superiority of her toi richness, has _recei Lady Ban chuddy, Sussex, the w Engla with Mra. Bonet gant city mansi lease insert the modesty 1 worl from ap Manor, Mugan sex, London, S. T.—1800X, althiest of the young aristocracy of that country, h on Christmas Day h Jones, at her superior ele n, 80 charmingly furnished by th tellectual and refined tastes of Mrs. Boncless Codfish Jones. Mrs. Beneless Coufish Jones will do all that she can, we havo no dont ake the visit of Lady Bangup to this country as pleasant as if sh joying her Merry, Merry Christmas in her own elegant and castled England, W ratulate Lady Bangup on having so charming and elegant a hostess as Mra Boneless Codfish Jones. at the clubs are to meet Lady Bangup at the matchless mansion of Mrs. Boneless Codfish Jones, are lady mem- bers of the leading old blue-blooded families, inctudin; Brown (nee Marin Delia Smith), Mis Jonquil Blue (former y Bridget Jane Balleyhoo), jonel Estacy Muttonbead, and Mrs. Artesian noted authoresa of * Vermifage; or, Another Lady Bangup may be congratu- ving 80 elegant and refined a hostess as Mrs. Bor Mish Jon Insert the above, and Believe me, were en- con ss Among those who we learn cless Very truly, Mrs. B.C, Jove 41144 English Sparrow Place. Tue Chinese claim to have been the invent- shing and nearly everything else of ance, but the old Egyptians had the pull sth of December. ‘They used to make ‘ah over its advent several thousand years ago. Even our obelisk shows that. But never mind. Christmas is good for trade, even if it is an old institution. Its adoption shows great forethought on the part of the Christian fathers. | apparatus to brush off flic | rustic youth in the face. | where it would do the most good. Ursa Major Revised. Tur original astronomers studied the stars without hope of rew ent pate ent medicine men of theirday. No proprictor of bitters or pills stood ready to drop a check for two hundred dollars every time they dis- covered a comet that nobody else could find, It is not surprising, then, to note that the re- sults of their unrewarded toil were somewhat crude, that the arbitrary outlines of the con- stellations, as laid down by them, were more the result of a hasty {magination than of cool, calm, competitive study fora prize. It istrue that this work has been accepted, and all the patent medicine almanacs are benefited by it to this day, but it is time that some of it was revised. The constellation ‘ Ursa Major,” or the Great Bear, is faulty in its astronomical construction, in its waste of opportunities, and in its nonconformity to the present aesthetic The gentlemanly ancient, as he sat be- neath the north curtain of his tent in the desert, and gazed at the star-begemmed dome of the sky, never dreamed that the tail of the Dipper was not an appropriate handle Bear; that the body politic of the Dipper was simply useless as a part of the anatomy of old Bruin. Indeed, had he ever stopped to examine a bear closely (very likely he was in a hurry when a bear met him), he never would have built one with a tail sticking out as indicated by the stars in the handle of the Dipper. We are wagering a bunch of second-hand tooth- picks and a Roman antique plaque, that the bear with his tail sticking out in that manner is not now, nor ever was, living. Nature never intended the bear for a new milch cow, and consequently did not provide a whisking and “swat” the The bear's tail is a very insignificant attachment at the tame end of the animal, short, stampy and limp. The handle of the dipper is in no sense analagous to the tail of a bear, The remainder of the Dipper, incorporated as it is with the sirloin- steak and brisket of the bear, is useless, Itis naught but an ornament of stars tacked on the bear, very much like brass nails on a hair trunk, Now this is all wrong. The dipper should be detached from the bear and put Whi atisfying, rd from beneve could be more isathetic, more son than to create another constellation? ue tiful female figure (Patience?), with the polar star in the forehead, could be arbitrarily out- lined in the northern sky; standing at case, in attitude, and with outstretched band the dipper directly beneath the “milky way,” that the lacteal fluid of the heavens, the distilled dew of the nebula,-might fall therein, ‘Thus, would an astronomical and anatomical absurdity be removed from the phenomena of the evening, alargeand convenient dipper made apparently useful, and the taste of the esthetic among us be gratified. Exit “Ursa Major,” enter ‘ Patience?” JOB SHUTTLE A RECENT publication is entitled “ Homes and Haunts of our Elder Pocts.” The homes of our younger pocts are all right, but their haunts would not bear publication. comicbooks.com