Judge — December 24, 1881 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

KELLOGG. IN sty DOBSONIAN ‘Tuovau long she haa tried to et tarried, At last there's a man for Louis: And he's a Chap whom a fortune will bring her, This si to Hymen; Bat why men Gracefully curt Permitted the aon of a Quaker To take ber Is of all vagaries of Cupid Most stupid Ab! Clara, how tenors, who kiss you, Will miss you; No more will oar proud prima donna Upon a Benefit night tread 'mid showers Of to ati Specitte Or smile with asmirk, t No more will she warble in Norm Or warm a Passion to life in an opera Less proper, ab! She will go from our gaze to seclusion, Confusion! wer ven knew her? Who thought this heir of a bs “JAY CHARLTON.” Jove bolted; and from all accounts one of pve’s bolts seared all the landlords in the zhborhood. LAMUS is the root of much evil. AN Iowa man has been plaintiff in a law- suit for twenty-seven years. Probably they will write on his tombstone, ‘The plaintiY rests.” SHE saic Melinda.” “You are always ine Linda,” he said. “Dear, do noteall me Linda, but A Parisian has invented a coffee-urn which stores up the essence and saves scores of dol- lars a year, It is not that you know so much about the coffee urnings. hold a e a fire- Kate Ctaxtoy’s girl baby can nursing bottle as lightly as if it’ we extinguisher, Oscar WILDE, the poet's, voice is described by his wsthetic lovers as being full of light, melodious waves—which leads us to ask “What are the Wilde waves saying?” Cicaco not only puts cotton in the shoul- ders of its overcoats, and rats in its braids, but the police say that Chicago is full of foot-pads. MapaMe Gerster, the singer, is a good cook. Many of her imitators are only cuckoos. CaMPANtNt is always prompt at the opera house. But the man who holds the book is the prompter man. THE JUDGE. TALMAGE refuses to reply to his detractors. He will not give blow for blow. AND now the albinos and the rabbits are getting the pinkeye. Curistwas trees are already arriving in market. Many of our German friends use them in advance of the happy day. Some of these trees are very spruce. T po not know whether I ever told the story. I was once standing alongside of Mark Twain in the principal street of the capital of the andwich Islands, and a dog was chasing and biting a squealing pix. Twain remarked with his peculiar drawl: “That pig has got a good ar for music, T know it is asin For me to sit and grin At her here; But the wrinkled wash-tub hat, With its brim so wide and flat, Is so queer, HicH livers usually get high livers, and we do not mean pate de foi gras, either, Goosey’s Walk. Ife came in the carly morning, before the sun had shed its warmth around and about the city ; he came like the early bird, but for | a far different object. Entering a restaurant that is located very near the sanctum of this paper, he strode gayly up to the bar, smiled pleasantly to the young man, whose reputa- tion for making mixed drinks has drawn upon him the envy of every tumbler-shaker in the | city, ‘Good-morning,” said the early bird, while he wiped his bill with the cuff of his at, “Good morning, sir,” replied the dispenser of beverages. “Little chilly now early in the morning ; let me have a little whisky, please,” said th morning lark, and he spoke in such a bright, quick, offhanded way, that the young man with the gleaming eye and the dollar diamond handed out a bottle of his best velvet-gloss whisky, and selected one of the thinnest and most approved whisky glasses. ‘The early worm poured forth a bounteous drink, and with the precision of a man who had acquired his skill by long practice, he placed himself entirely on the outside of the whisk “Has my friend been here this morning ? he inquired, as he smacked his lips and drew in from his mustache some remnants of mois- ture, “Who is your friend ? replicd the bar-keeper. Not know Goosey ? Why, he comes here every morning,” said the man. “No, I really do not know any one named Goosey,” replied the bar-keeper. “Oh, you must know him,” said the im. biber; ‘you must have scen him often ; he is a tall, straight-shouldered man, lame in one leg. He walks this ;" and, suiting the I don’t know him,” | not sm action to the word, the carly bird limped M1 around the room, then through the door into the street. The young man behind the bar waited for him to return, In fact, he Baltimore Every Saturday. is waiting yet.— A Sorrowful Circumstance. A very sad thing occurred in California the other day. A young bride and groom liv ‘on the coast w npelled to elope, as their parents absolutely refused tosanction the mar- riage. The happy couple went down to Los Angelos, ill with cholera infantum and died, while the groom was attacked with inembrancous croup and worms at about the same time, and nearly lost his life also. Thus far away from home, and with no pa rent near, the young bride breathed her last, while her husband, in another room, was s ill that he could not go near her to soothe her last moments on earth. A few weeks later the widower went to the broken-hearted desolate. He was so cl he had passed through that, though only nine years old, his hair was white as the d Ile never smiled again, but shut him. self up ina primary school, and alv wrapt in his own gloomy thoughts. When his seat-anate put a bent pin unde the teacher, and the te through the belfry school laughed, the where the bride became back ents, lonely and edt by the sorrow ven show, ys seemed er tried to jump ont and all the rest of the ly little widower did . His heart was too sore. At the Sabbath-school or the cireus it made no difference. The stricken husband was wrapped in gloom, and no joy could apparent- iy churn him up. THis soul seemed to stag- ate and to sour on all humanity. Though young in years his mind seemed to have matured suddenly through sc death. Finally, just as he was about to be pro moted to the third reader, and the future seemed brightening for him, he came in con- act with a bunch of watermelon colic that was more vigorous than be was, and before morning he had rolled himself up ina spheri- cal wad and died. Thus, within one short year this bride and groom passed from earth. Just as they began tolisp cach other's names, and as their minds were opening out and unf like a head of cauliflower. Just as they were beginning to quire information, when the bride had reached the happy age when she could count up to 100, and the happy young husband had as a result of scientific research learned that the verb signifies to be, to act, or to be acted upon, and just as he had learned also to whistle through his tecth and to wear sus penders, death came ‘and busted a happy little pl It is such occurrences as these that cast a gloom over matrimony and drive many of our fairest and brightest children from wedded ife. These young bridal couples must either provide themselves with a nurse when they make their wedding tour, or the whole land will be filled with new-made grave mie Boomerang. ow and ling —tLara-