Judge — December 10, 1881 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ladies to paint impossible bugs and reptiles, and storks and things, on jugs and pots, and jars and things. Fancy needle-wor therage. This i: r jon, A few years hence it may be fashionable for wsthetic young ladies to sew buttons on their fathers’ and brothers’ trousers, and darn the heels of their own stockings. There would be a su- premely practical too-tooness about such a “rage.” s now all A ‘*Starn Cus” for the study of astron- | omy was organized in Blairsville a few weeks ago. One of the regulations of the club re- quires each member to keep the list of stars and star groups, so that at the expiration of a limited time he or she shall be able to identify in the heavens at least one hundred fixed stars in their respective constellations. A few nights afterwards, owing to a protract- ed drought, a male member gazed too long upon the beverage that biteth like a Spitz dog, and collided with a hitching-post on his way home. At the next meeting of the club he reported that on the Saturday night pre- ceding, while looking for a two-hundred-dol- | lar patent-medicine comet, he hail the fortune to discover forty-seven new moons, two hun- dred and thirty comets with fourteen tails cach, a large and varied assortment of me- teors, and about sixty thousand planets of first-class magnitude; but, he added, it wi utterly impossible to identify them in their respective constellations. As the night in question was rainy and starless, the president of the club threatened to fine the enterpri but indiscreet. member seven hundred and forty dollars for bringing contumely on the association. Tue little boy who owns a handsome sister of sweet eighteen or thereabouts, is the lucki- est chap in thiscountry, ‘The sister has many young gentlemen visitors, of course, and the little brother is made sick four or five times a | week with an overplus of candy. ing | THE JUDGE. A CABLE dispatch from Berlin, a few days ago, startled American readers with the sad intelligence that ‘‘the Emperor William is suffering from a slight cold.” Our govern- ment should have manifested its sympathy by immediately cabling back recommending William to soak his feet in hot mustard wa- ter and take a dose of goose grease and mo- lasses, Next to the result of an English horse-race, this country yearns most to know when King William is suffering from a slight cold—and we cannot be too thankful that we are not obliged to wait two weeks for such news to come by the slow process of the mails, as in the days of our forefather Ir is always the homeliest and least intelli- gentlooking quack doctors who print their portraits in their advertisements, They serve asa “trade-mark,” enabling an ailing person to “mark” them, and patronize a cure-all- concoctor who possesses less facial surface, when they wish to test a medicine. How rapidly the cherished idols of our boyhood days are being irreparably smashed ! Rev. Mr, Talmage says that “ Lydia of Thya- | tira was not a giggling nonentity.” For years we have been laboring under the delu | sion that Lydia was one of those things, To some persons Mr, Talmage’s information may come like a thunderbolt from a clear sky, but we are rather glad, for Lydia's sake, that she was nota “ giggling nonentity.” We don't | like 'em, | A Norristown man who subseribes for three Ith journals, and has in his library a book called “ Every Man His Own Physician,” has just paid a doctor's bill of seventy dollars, and has swallowed ten dollars’ worth of patent medicines during the past six months. Very few men are rash enough to live up to the directions of a health journal, A FOREIGN letter says that the husband of Mrs. Burdett-Coutts—we have forgotten his other name—once proposed mart to the ex-Empress Eugenie. It may be remembered that Mrs. B.-C.’s husband is an American, and there is not a more daring people on the face lof the carth. (Erratum—For “daring” read ‘che As the ‘‘remnant” of Victoria’s band has been captured and killed only five times dur- | ing the past six months, we are inclined to doubt the report that the ‘‘remnant” is four times as large as the original band. We don't believe it is any more than twice as large. “Tusnanp and wife,” says some sage per- son, “should no more struggle to get the last word than they should struggle for the | possession of a lighted bomb.” ‘They don’t. | The wife gets it without a struggle. | zane | “Wat to Do First” is the title of a little volume of practical advice. The first thing to | do is to subscribe for Tue JupcE, but as this suggestion has been omitted, we can't com- | mend the volume until the error is rectified A Few mornings since an old farmer in Mary- land found one of his cows lying dead in the meadow, with a bullet wound in the neck. Three bullets were also discovered in the barn door, and several trees on the premises were scarred by similar missiles. Without mani- sting any surprise, the granger quietly observed to his hired man that he ‘s'posed two darn fool Virginians had been fighting a duel on his farm. AN astronomer says that in a few thousand years there will be no Great Dipper, no Orion with his club, no Southern Cross, and the heavens will look like a new universe to one of us who revisited the earth in the ten thou- sandth century. It may be worth the read- er’s while to make a mem. of this, and rev the earth in the century named. He might probably find the appearance of the heavens changed, but it is safe to predict that he would find Mr. Kelly still Boss of Tammany, and Samuel J. Tilden pulling wires for the Presi. deney Wuew an editor gets his funny and scientific clippings mixed, he has a dickens of a time assorting them, and some of each will get in un- der the wrong heads in spite of all he can do, ‘The best way to avoid such trouble is to mark the funny items with an “F," and the scien- tific paragraphs with an ‘S,” as soon as they are clipped, and then if they accidentally get buttercupped, the labor of identifying them is comparatively easy. Ir the ancient organization called the Forty Thieves were still in existence, the members would elect Cashier Baldwin their chief with- out a dissenting voice, A CABLE dispatch says ‘‘ Ireland is in a fo- ment.” A “foment?” Isn't a foe meant? A Ute Indian bears the name of “ Blood-in- -eye-and-his-car-split-open.” He ought to be able to make enough money this winter to keep the wolf from his door by hiring out sec- tions of his cognomen to dime novel writers, We learn from a London paper that when a member of the royal family is buried a fee of £250 is demanded by the Dean and Chapter of Windsor, although not an inch of ground is disturbed, but merely a stone taken up in the center of the chapel. No wonder the Queen clings so tenaciously to life. Two hundred and fity pounds are two hundred and fity pounds, and the Queen’s income is only a few millions a year. Economy is wealth. We have always thought that Philadelphia was envious of our Tweed ring notoriety, but hoped that allowing her to have the Centen- nial Show would appease her. It seems to have been a delusive hope, however. ‘They were great in everything but rascality, and would not rest content until there was a show- ing made at that. Now that she has blos- somed out in the business, she can hold her head up with New York, and go proudly on in the ways of civ Comicbooks.com