Judge — December 3, 1881 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. HORSE-CAR STRAIN. Loveny woman with a basket, Riding in the surface car, All my gallantry you'll task it If you're going very far. On my toe the hideous weight is, Of your boarding-bouse supply — Onions, cabbages, and taties, Beef to boil and fish to fry. You're no doubt a worthy mother, Toiling to maintain your brood; Myself in mush Td rather smother Than even hint a thought that's rude. Bat lovely woman with a basket, Though I reverence your krout, Might I just presume to aak It, When will you be getting out? Lady with the cheese limburger, You'll not deem it rude, I trast, Bat wo can’t go on much farther, Ifyou don't get out I must. Doubtless you are good as fair, Oh! lady with the cheese and krout But—goodness! this is Union Square, Mir here! conductor, let me out FRANK BELLE. OUR POPULAR FARCES. OUR FIRE INSURANCE COMPANIES. | REPORTED BY “ED.” Scene—Directors’ Room of the Neverpay Fire Insuvance Co, CHARACTERS : Mr. Verpast, Mr. Motocut (President of the Neverpay Fire Lysuraxce Co.), and Boarp or Directors. | Mr, Motoch,—Good-lay, Mr. Verdant ; what | can we do for you? Mr, Verdant,—You know, Mr. Moloch, I belong to the firm of Verdant, Recent & Co. In fact, I am the head of the firm. Mr, Moloch.—Yes, sir, we are aware of the cireumstanc Mr. Verdant.—A week or so ago we were burnt out. Mr, Moloch.—That we also know. Mr. Verdant.—We are insur pany for fity thousand dollars. Mr, Moloch.—Correct. | Mr. Verdant,—Naturally we would like to collect said amount. Mr, Moloch.—All of it ? Mr. Verdant.—Certainly. (Mr. Motoct grins; Directors also grin and poke each other facetiously in the ribs.) Mr, Moloch.—So you really believe that you | are entitled, Mr. Verdant, to the whole | amount? | Mr. Verdant.—Yes, sir. Mr. Moloch.—There was nothing saved from the conflagration? Mr, Verdant.—No, sir. That is, nothing of | any value. Mr, Motoch.—Ab, we may differ upon that point. Did not the Fire Insurance Patrol Tescue a stove? Mr, Verdant.—I—I believe so. in your com. Mr, Moloch.—Of course you do. That stove, sir, we value at five hundred dol Mr, Verdant.—I only paid forty for it. Mr, Moloch.—That may be, but fity ex- perts will testify for us, if needful, that if there was not another stove to be bought that that stove would be cheap at a thousand dollars. But we do business upon a foundation of equity, therefore we will only value said stove at five hundred dollars. And did th cue a stuffed parrot in a glass case from your ate ollice? Mr. Verdant.—Yes, sir. Mr. Moloch.—It was your personal property. Mr, Verdant,—It was. Mr. Moloch. —A valued gift probably? Mr, Verdant.—Yes, sit. It was a token from my grandfather, now dead. Mr, Moloch.—Aht The present, probably, ase and all, would be worth, say, ten doi- lars, But its intrinsic value, its value from the associations which surround it, its worth aga family heirloom, would be about four hundred and ninety dollars. Surely you will consider your grandfather's memory cheap at four hundred and ninety dollars, Add the ten dollars, real value, to it, and that makes five hundred dolla ke off of your claim Mr, Verdant.—R of your argument. Mr, Moloch. rs. y not also res- rs more to ly T can't see the force Oh, yes, youdo. (Zo direc- ) You see, do you not, gentlemen? Chorus of Directors. — "It’s perfe plain.” Extremely lucid.” 4A could perceive it,” ete., ete. Mr, Moloch.—Now, Mr. Verdant, that you are perfectly satistied upton that point— Mr, Verdant.—1 ‘don, but E ain't. tor tly child Mr, Moloch.—But you've got to be. n't help it, my di fied, as long as we the fire occur? Mr, Verdant.—The Fire Marshal gave it as his opinion that it resulted from aa over- heated stove. We sir, If you ain't satis By the way, how did Mr, Moloch.—Where was the stove in your place of business? Mr. Verdant.—In the front oftice. Mr, Moloch.—That reduces your insurance tive thousand dollars. Mr, Verdant.—Why? Mr, Moloch.—You will find, by careful study of our contract, a clause which says : ties insuring in this company are bound not to have a stove of any description upon their premises, except said stove be located | in the back yard, or upon the roof, or at a dis- tance of five hundred feet from any wall, par- tition or inflammable article of any sort, un- der penalty of forfeiting to the company the sum of five thousand dollars, in case of any fire upon their premises.” Mr. Verdant.—I read the contract hastily, and I do not remember that clause. Besides the Fire Marshal says the fire might have originated from somebody dropping a match into the waste-basket. Mr. Motoch.—Do you use matches in your establishment? Mr. Verdant—Certainly. Mr. Moloch.—That, it pains me to say, takes off five thousand dollars more. Para- 3 graph 8, section 6, chapter 112, of our by laws, revised edition, distinctly says, “ Any insurer who allows the use of matches, Indian clubs, profane language, or tobacco in any form upon his premises, forfeits, in case of any claim for damages, five thousand dollars to the company. Mr, Verdant,—But I never saw your by: Mr, Moloch.—It was your own fault. An application to our manager, certitied by our secretary, checked olf by our treasurer, by our office boy, and indorsed by two promi- nent clergymen, would have obtained you a copy of our by-laws at once, Our company transacts our business in a careful, commer: cial way. (We have estimated your loss at just one hundred and fifty dollars. That we will pay without demur, Mr, Verdant.—Heavens, cous, Mr. Moloch.—Sotty, sir, softly. play billiards, do you? Mr, Verdant.—Never. Mr, Moloch.—You belong to the Young Men's Christian Assoc Mr. Verdant.—Ye Mr, Moloch.—You do not drink or smoke? Mr, Verdant.—I do not. Mr, Motoch.—You never gamble? Mr. Verdant.—Not me. Mr. Motoch.—And you helped build a ehureh in Newark? Mr. Verdant.—I did. Mv, Motoch.—Then can you wonder at our suspicions, Mr, Verdant? Your past life as confessed to by yourself, is suspicious. Frank- ly, Mr. Verdant, we have an idea that you set fire to your premises yourself. And more frankly, if possible, allow me to add that if you don’t take the one hundred and fifty dol- lars we offer you we will sue you for arson! (Tablean. ned that is outra- You never ion, do you not? sir. (quick cuRTAIN.] Mvcu has been said and written regarding the heel vigor of a mule, but the ‘st that has ever been shown or imagined is mere child's play compared with being caught ina foot-ball team. But, oh! it is such rare, such | manly sport to be slammed around, kicked on the shins, stood on your head, dragged on the ground, banged in the nose, “rushed” heels over head, having your clothes torn into carpet. rags, your eyes blackened, and you made a candidate for the hospital, all for the glory of some institution of learning! Dvninc the great trial at Washington last week, Dr. Bliss was giving his testimony and exhibiting a section of the murdered Pri dent's vertebra, when that carrion bird of his- tory, Guiteau, took a look at his devilish scar, and then smilingly resumed his seat, as much sto say: “That's all right; that's where I made my mark in the world.” And yet some people think him insane; some people blame those who would cut the trial short with the same weapon with which he cut short a noble life! “ Barkts is willin’” to curtail jokes on the dogdays. Let no more be purp-ctrated,