Judge — November 12, 1881 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

TH EJ U_ D’GsE: FRESH. Fast: blows the wind acroas the lea, Fresh smells the paint apon the stoop, Fresh flies the the ea, Fresh roll the eggs within the coop. Freati is the cheek of maiden fair, Fresh is the powder on her fac : ¢ on her hair, ntle, courtly grace. Fresh arw all the Fresh as the dew which lingers ye Bat fresher far is that wild youth With his unsalted cigarette. hings, forsod An Impending Reform. Iv this wonderful nineteenth century we sedingly given to boasting of the gre gains to mankind by re inventions of our mode Now, if we were to turn aside from the con- templation of what we have, rather those things which we have no’ plished, we would be filled not so much with vaunting setfsatisfaction as with inortification and remorse, Tt ought to mantle with the blush of shame the ‘cheek of any honest’ thinker, to re- fleet that nothing has as yet been done to re- model and reform that with which we all either subjectively or objectively so famitiar— the antiquated Code of Parental Procedure. It is evident to the most casual observer, that in this there radi change been effected mon; nay, we can go back to the very | ning, and without any f tradict ex at nl conside as certainly no ince the tim 0, confidently assert t ‘ht Cain with his fing rnamented with her best raspberry jan to purloin the cream from the pans s fully set out in the buttery, she laid him gently across her knee, and her subsequent proceed- tly in accordance with the pro- rinbefore mentioned, Land believe, nd effect to the present day. , it is true, sundry important in- The nclusively visi eon and which, as we ar in full tions been made since her time. -y in regard to the fig leaves shows that slippers were not then in vogue, by analogy it is safe to ¢ straps and shing » also however, clude that eve unknown; thes , the underly hang ng principles re. mainin; Now abides the City + a certain philanthropist—one aritans to whom an infinite pense of time, labor and ducats is as nothing, provided only that thereby some lasting bene- fit may nferred upon mankind. — This goo man, at a great sacrifice of time, money comfort, has at length wiped out this loathsome blot upon our civilization by the invention of a machine by which, as he confidently asserts, peace and good order may be produced and preserved, not only in this fair land, but wherever our occidental civil- ization holds sway. Of its efficacy there is no doubt, for he has tried it upon himself with the most gratifying results. The only thing that now troubles bim is, as over in of HX he ¢ and person: of to what to call it. The first name suggested, The Patent Spanking Machine,” was too broadly for the wsthetic spirit of this age. ‘An instrument whereby im- partial justice may be meted out to youthful offenders,” was comprehensive, but venient by reason of its long.windedness. ‘The probability now ig that he will dub it “Mr. Winslow's Child Persu: It is te consist of a cylinder revolving by clock-work so adjusted that the velocity and duration o its revolutions may be accurately adapted to the offense to be punished. To this are to be attached, when occasion demands, broad and lastic thp-laps of leather, for by carly | perience, supplemented later by careful ob- | servation, he is assured that that material is best adapted to the end in view; though much aid in favor of the shingle or of the birchen twig. ‘These flip-laps, moreover, are to be of graduated sizes and quality, and to have neatly inscribed upon it the grade of mi for the chastisement of which itis designed: and just here it may be said that an important part of his work has been the careful grading of all the offenses in- culent.to childhood, an undertaking fraught with mach dithcull ‘An important part of the invention is a con- trivance, neatly upholstered, as the taste of the parents may be, in which the de- linquent may be confined, in such wise that the flip-laps may fall readily upon that. part of the person which seems to hav pecially designed by nature for th blows, and which hence might nominated the seat of judgment. For the benefit of such culprits as can read, there is an arrangement upon w hung the various illuminated precepts applicable to the ¢ while for such as have notthus far progressed up the rugged hill of science, there isa phono- # h the parents, when in a proper frame of mind, may sj in a suita- ble tone of voice, such divers texts and max- ims as are appropriate to the divers offenses; or, if they are unwilling to take upon them- selves so great a responsibility, they ean send round to thei i who would no doubt gladly do it for th The great advantag. nuity are obvio estive incon- each i «lemeanors preset been es: receipt of ptly be de- ich may be and edifying ph, into wl f this triumph of in- It will remove from the plication of discipline all chance of hasty and p: will render it cer- | tain that only exact justice will be adininis tered. By placing it in a far room of the house—in | a boardin; funiligs ean have one in | common—the plaintive yells of the young mis- creants may not wound the delicate sensibili ties of the parents, and when, the retribution plished, the child is liberated, it will | rd them as its loving liberator: | Our good Brooklyn philanthropist did at ‘one time intend to devote the large fortune he | might have attained by this invention to the | founding of a new university tobe called after | his mother-inJaw’s maiden name, Fortunate- | ly reflection convinced him of the folly of such a course, and of the harm it would do to the cause of education; and he has with charac teristic benevolence taken out no letters pat- tion, and house th acc rey ent, so that now all, rich and poor alik free to take advantage of his valuable con- trivance, Bitpan. A FLIGHTY ROOM AN old lady from Steuben County came to the city last week for a three days’ visit, and Ner disposing of a barrel of eggs and a few spring hens, she started out to eng: hotel, afer which she proposed to sce the city. She had been commissioned by about twenty. of her neighbors to buy or “find out” a hundred things for them while she was in “ York, of course there was heaps of anxie old gal’s mind. She was a strong-ninded old lady, and reckoned she knew it all ; but about the first thing she did wasto get lost. A policeman started her right again, but the confusion of the streets was too much for her, and she got mixed some more. Four different times she was set right by the police- men whom she met, and finally she got mac fered a boy three cents to hotel, But he was a wicked boy, a boy who may some day become a writer for papers, and he took her to the Fulton and steered her over to Brooklyn. ‘There she seemed to be lost, and an officer attempted to set her right, but she refused to have any- thing todo with him; she had been fooled enough by them, she said, and all she wanted wi stay in that tavern (the ferry 3 she had paid for the privilege when she came over. It took a long time to con vince her of her mistake, mad enough to fight, but towards night st managed to find_a hotel in New York, where the clerk told her she could stay as long as nted to, and a porter showed her into levator, tive » with her toa mie erry now was to hou nd then she was she w the for a load nd and musing. elevator man stood Ww: while she was looking “What pesky little rooms they have down here. Where and then she looked at the clevator “What are you doing here in my room ? out!” The man smiled and quietly closed the door. “Here, stop that ! None of your tricks on travelers, Open that door an’ git out of my room, yer presumptuous beast ! fuled around this ‘ere city jist about all Pin in’ ter be, so yer marvel!” A, smiled, but, without speaking, pulled the cord, and the elevator began to as “Hot hit at are yer duin’ with my room ? Where's it vin tu? Help! let it be, I tell yer!” but se ing that her room continued to go up, 1 the man by the hair of th pulled him over upon the floor, wh him until the elevator reached the top of the building, and the rumpus they oc created the wildest excitement. It four men and two women to persuade her to let the unfortunate wretch up and go to the room that had been assigned her, and even she would not go to bed until she had locked the door and piled all the furniture in the room against it. But, poor old lady ! one day in Gotham was all she wanted ; she re- turned home the next day with all her neigh- bors’ errands undone, and nearly undone herself, for goodness sake’s the bed 7” I've been ain the man end. she head and e she held asioned equired comicbooks.com