Judge — November 5, 1881 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. THEATRICAL | BRIEFS. May it please Your Honor: Receiving solemn assurances from individuals whose credibility it would be impossible to doubt that what purports to be a comic performance is nightly enseted at Haverly’s Fifth Avenue Theater (so-called because it is not within a quarter of a mile of Fifth avenue), I made up my mind to take corroborative testimony in person. I have to report that on the production of a dollar and a half I was received with great conliality by the affable gentleman in charge, and was conducted by an usher (with shoes which were distinct!y' audible in the Brower House across the way) to a seat in the very front row. <I devoted all my energies to the iden- tiscation of the. performance as acomic one, but, in spite of my assiduity, am compelled to reserve my Wecis- ton for at least aweek. ‘The evidence in support of the allegation that “Our Bachelors” is indeed a comedy consists of the following daly enumerated circumstances: (a) The two principal performers who appear in It, and who sustain the most considerable parts in it, are popularly categorized as comedians. In the absence of positive testimony to the contrary, therefore, itis reason- able to suppose that they, at leaat, believe themselves to be comie, and that the same hypothesis is entertained by several spectators of their performances. It is, in other words, prima facie evidence of the comic nature of the play that it is enacted by persons popularly, if errone- ously, recognized as comedians, (2) The comedy theory is also supported by the fol- lowing exhibits during the evening: (1) a red wig, bald at top, with a bunch of crimson hairs on either side, & notoriously comic device; (2) threo desperite strug- gles; (3) a torn coat; (4) twelve puns of assorted sizes and values; (5) several broad grins on the faicea of the principal performers, justitied by no” basis except an extravagant enjoyment on their own part of thelr own humor; (6) a shrill squeak; (7) a constant grunt; (8) the occasional use of the word ++ damn.” (©) It is constructive evidence that if the two princi- pal performers, Robson and Crane, were in reality playing a tragedy, while obtaining ‘money on the pre- text of producing a comedy, they would be at once sub- Jected to criminal proceedings under the False Pre- tenses section of the New Code. ‘These are the only grounds on which it is possible to “entertain the theory that ‘Our Bachelors” is a comedy. On the other hand, the undeniable fact that it is neither witty nor funny, nor anything but tedious, seems to be prejudicial to any hypothesis other than that {t is a tragedy of the deepest dye.. I shal!, however, commission a person of unusually robust constitution, to attend three or four more per- formances of the same, in order to supply myself with as convincing a basis as I van for my decision, which I hope to be able to render next week. In the case of Edwin Booth, charged with an indecent exposure of his own incapacity to play the parts of Hamlet, Othello and King Lear, I have to report that ‘| some measures of ex.reme severity will have to be em- ployed in the interest of the Bani of Avon. This Booth, according to general report, is an habitual criminal, in respect to disturbing and desecrating the literary remains of the late W. Shakespeare, Esq. He has been seen to publicly trample upon all the poetry and rhapsodie philosophy of Hamlet; he bau frequently been canght in the very act of deluging the fierce pas- sion of Othello with oral soap-sads; recklessly indif- ferent to the fact that several intelligert people had an eye on him, he has gone so far as to make open fun of the phantom-ridden Thane of Cawdor, and the brutal, insensate, unfeeling outrages which he has publicly and ostentatiously inflicted on the almost divine pathos of King Lear, have actually stung Colonel Tom Ochiltree to madness. I venture to recommend a permanent in- Junction to be issued ex. rel William Shakespeare, Richard Grant White, The Dramatic Art, e¢ al. against this most audacious and unconscionable offender. | Papers can be served on bitn at the corner of Twenty- thind street and Sixth avenue, by any Infelligent | depaty sheritf, during the whole of next week. It affords me great pleasure to urge an extension of | the time allowed to a performance known aa. the Strategists, at Haverly's Fourteenth Street. Theatre. ‘There has seldom been offered to the New York pablic a more diverting, a more Innocent, or a more delightful entertainment. Ibeg to particularly recommend that all possible clemency and indulgence shall be shown one Polk, whose representation of the character of Jack Ratledge is, without exception, the cleverest piece of light comedy, 0 called, seen in this city for years. Inre Augustin Daly and the Broadway Theater, I have to submit that daring the entire season, the said Daly bas given no proof whatever that he is the sane Angustin Daly who at one time virtually controlled the ‘American stage. ‘The original Daly, I have no hesita- tion dn affirming, was'a quick-witted person, with a keen eye for draniatic effect atid an admirable judge of playa, . The pseudo-Daly, at present conspiring agninst the peace,’ purse and dignity of John Duff, Esq., would seem to be an entirely diferent person. He apparently knows nothing whatever'aboat the public taste; is ut- terly incapable of ‘distinguishing between wit or dra- matic effect and pointless *‘rot;” and, above all, instead of being’ the conductor, is actually the laughing-stock of the profeasivn to which he belongs. ‘This is strong prima facie evicence that the original Augustin Daly has curled up somewhere and died, and that the present wearer of his name and title is another, and very different individual. In the department of military jurisprudence, I find, ‘on credible testimony, that Colonel Mapleson, of Her Majesty's Operatic Brigade, entered New York on Mon- day evening last and threw out bis first line of skirmish- ers, led by Sergeant-Major Campanini, late of the Garibaldian Army of Liberation. The engagement began with a wild performance of Lohengrin, Her Majesty's troops standing “poorly to their notes, and flying once in a while, panic-stricken, from the key. The orchestral battalion, under Signor Arditi, was ina state of open mutiny during the entire combat, while the chorus showed absolute cowanlice under fire. On Friday night Colonel Mapleson rallied his forces and brought three new guns, of various caliber, into play. The first, Mile, Ferni, turned ont to be a most effective piece of artillery, but the other two were small bores. and did no execution whatever. The orchestra and chorus, however, showed signs of Improved discipline, and at the end of the week Her Majesty's Operatic Brigade at least held its own against the small arms and blank firing of the morning newspapers. All of which is respectfully submitted. Tue Rerenre. Cuicaco water has to be boiled before it is fit to drink. It is mighty inconvenient for a thirsty Chicagoan to have to wait in a saloon until the bar-tender boils him a glass of water, so he surmounts the difficulty by calling for a glass of whisky, which doesn't require any cooking: The Chicago intellect is equal to any emergency. Tue philosophy of success is unphilosoph- ical. The man with a teaspoonful of brains can make barrels of money, while the man with a barrel of brains always has his tea- spoonful of money bottom side up, spilling into the other fellow’s barrel. Tue only satisfaction the Democrats appear to find in the elevation of David Davis is, that it gives the “‘fence” a great relief. OLp man Christiancy never amounted to much as a Senator or a Minister, but as an original social stink-maker he does very well. ‘Tey say there is one million eight hundred thousand dollars of unpaid money orders in the U.S. Treasury. Why not take it to complete the Washington Monument? One of the most graceful things our army and navy ever did, after saluting their own and the flag of France at Yorktown, was the saluting of the flag of England. It said, “Old sores are healed, and at Yorktown we caress the last scar made by war!” Tuose Old Testament fellows were a sort of “ go-as-you-please lot of roosters. Quotation: - “Thou shalt bestow thy money for whatsoever thy soul lusteth after,:for oxen, or for sheep, or for wine, or for strong drink.” (Deut. xiv, 26.) Nothing bigoted about that. Joun Hay, the editor of the Tribune in the absence of Whitelaw Reid, is a man with a deep voice, in the Boston pitch. He says the way to pronounce Roths-child is rich-child. JosePH BECKER, the artist, is about to join the ancient order of Full Moons. His dyspep- sia has left him, and he can wear a regalia, Welcome, Joseph! GENERAL Hancock is fond of peanuts, When he goes to St. Louis, where he has property, the only way a man can detain him in protracted conversation is to buttonhole him near a:peunut stand and help him to eat the bivalves. Tue more ‘olive branches” a man has, the more stock he takes in the original plant,” his wedding fee. WHIFFS FOR CORRESPONDENTS, G. P, T.—Glad you lke our frst number. Think that tasures Ita success, ¥ Brut. THE BUsTER—Your poem ts very good, True, it isa (rine slangy; but we admire such things, and shall use ft to tine our—waste basket with. Write again: there Is a prospect of a. rise tn off paper stock, and small contributions are thankfully recetved. G. W. C.—How longa poem can weuse? Oh, we are not par- Ucular. Fifty or sixty cantos would be acceptable any time— to our oice boy. Krv.—Your squibs are first-clasa, Indeed, it 1s seldom that we meet with finer ones, and we use some of them in this nomber, only we thought it best to give the proper credit for them. J.B. C—Certainly. Original things, which Tux JCDGE ap- roves, will always be paid for literally. But don’t write with red pencll; It Keeps compositors still farther away from the Land of Promise. (Several questions—to de recetved—rematn over untit ‘next week.) comicbooks.com