Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, June 1921 · page 38 of 67
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang #21 — page 38: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This is a humorous fake baseball game report using player names that are actually puns or objects. The joke relies entirely on wordplay: "Molasses" at bat (slow), "Smallpox" catching (spotty), "Cigar" pitching (smoke), "Horn" at first base (horns/sounds), "Axe" batting (he "chopped"), "Bread" on base (he "loafed"), "Wind" pitching (he "blew"), "Hammer" batting (he "knocked"), "Lightning" pitching (he "struck"), and "Soap" playing (he "cleaned up"). The satire mocks overly earnest sports journalism by applying these absurd pun-names to standard baseball play-by-play commentary. It's wordplay disguised as legitimate sports reporting—typical of *Whiz Bang's* lighthearted humor. The final joke about Jonah and the whale is an unrelated Biblical gag where Jonah fears abandonment by the whale carrying him.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 37 Baseball Extra The game opened with Molasses at the stick and Smallpox catching. Cigar was in the box with plenty of smoke. Horn played first base and Fiddle on second base. Backed by Corn in the field made it hot for the umpire. Apple, who was rotten. Axe came to bat and chopped. Cigars let Brick walk and Sawdust filled the bases. Song made a hit and Twenty scored. Cigar went out and Balloon started to pitch, but went straight up. Then Cherry tried, but went wild. Old Ice kept cool in the game until he was hit by a pitched ball, then you ought to have heard Ice scream. Cabbage had a good head and kept quiet. Grass covered lots of ground and the crowd cheered when Spider caught a fly. Bread loafed on third base and bumped. Organ, who played a fast game, put out Lightning. In the fifth inning Wind began to blow what he could do. Hammer began to knock and Trees began to leave. The way they roasted Peanuts was a fright. Knife was put out for cutting first base. Lightning finished pitching and struck out six men. In the ninth Apple told Fiddle to take first base and then Song made a hit. Trombone made a slide and Meat was put out on the plate. There was a lot of betting on the game. But Soap cleaned up. The score was 1-0. Door said if he had pitched he would have shut them out. * * * Jonah to the whale: How far are we from land? Whale: Three thousand miles. Jonah: Don't leave me, big boy!