Beadle's New York Dime Library No. 32 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

or; and finding that you was out again, for the hundredth time, almost, she turned round and told me to ask your honor why you didn’t stay in your office more, instead of running about after the women, Hope your honor won’t be affronted, ’cause how I told you of it?’ and ‘Vhomas pretended to look quite frightened, as the Squire showed sudden signs of madness, when the youth revealed the widow’s message. ‘*Go Lome to your tea, Thomas—go, do you hear?” yelled out the Squire. “Yes, air.” “Tl fix the old she-devil! Ah! won’t I?” said the old gentleman to himself. “Yes, sir,” spoke up Tom, as he jumped up for his cap, hanging beside a post. ‘¢ What’s that you say?” he stoutly asked. ‘* You'll fix her.” ‘‘ Louder, sir; what did you say?” ‘¢ Yes, sir, I'll go to my tea,” replied the cun- ning fellow, as he substituted the last reply for - the former one. He left the office in a smiling state. LIBER VIII. We are told in the Holy Writ that ‘inex- haustible was the widow’s pot of oil;” and like- wise inexhaustible seemeth ‘‘ Yale College Scrapes ”—and it is wonderful what an itching the great mass of mankind have to scrape an acquaintance with the frolics of the learned. We might dwell for some time upon the sport and pleasure derived by the members of the ‘‘ Philistine Society ” who aspired to be the leading students in deviltry, as well as of their classes—who gloried to pass through many brilliant episodes—such as love-frolics, elope- ments, debating clubs, mock-murder trials, down to the more domestic tune of: ‘* Dance all night, till broad daylight, And be home at prayers in the morning." We might “spin manya long yarn” respect. ing ‘‘College Scrapes ” in general, purporting to have happened at Yale College, when in fact they actually occurred elsewhere; yet, as Madam Rumor is rather a contrary jade, the stories will be told. The ‘‘ Philistines? were great boys for rush- ing among a lot of horses(no matter who might be proprietor), choosing from the many the best for a ‘short drive” during ‘* meeting hours,” as they stood secured about the church. We might tellof the ‘‘ test of speed ”—the nar- row escapes which many met with, especially when ‘turning 4 short corner;” how they used to change the hind wagon-wheels, and place them on the forward axle; how linch-pins, seats and screws would be found somewhat changed and loosened; how the girth attached to the harness would be strapped so tight as to cause the beast to fall down; how people would swear at the amount of deviltry cub up about ‘‘so religious a place,” and then, again, wonder how all these things could be performed so slyly! After the said Society had been formed for some few weeks, a violent animosity arose be- tween its members and those of other secret clubs; and all because the “‘ Philistines ” seem- ed to have a decided advantage over them in every manner, form and way. No wonder, when all the “greatest college imps ”’ were members of said clique, One dark and cloudy night, three certain members were dispatched after chickens, as the entire body desired ‘“‘something nice to eat, of the fowl species.” They had been ap- pointed by ‘‘ the two-third rule ”—and old Sam Keeler was to do the ‘‘ dinner fixings” in his good, old-fashioned style. The committee went abroad to light upon their prey. The night was dark and stormy —the risk was great; yet Professor Smith’s hen-roost was about to be robbed, Tim, of Ohio (the fifteen-cent chap), was boss of the company, and he felt this trust to a decided advantage. “Here comes out old Smith by the neck,” said Tim, as he handed over a rooster. Josh, of Maryland, wrung his neck, and then handed him over to Sweeney, of Con- necticut, who stowed him away in a long bag. “Here's old Mrs. Smith,” said Tim, as he presented an old hen. This created a laugh among the coveys. ‘- And here, in fact, is Miss Smith,” present- ing a young, snapping pullet. After Tim had handed over several of the “family,” and then stood “betting fifteen cents,’ a noise was heard resembling foot- steps, when they immediately marveled, leav- | Mrs. Smith, and Miss Smith,” behind them. They luckily reached their rooms in safety— but the escape was a narrow one. On the next day, much to their astonish- ment, the three students received a very polite invitation to dine with “Professor Smith and family.” Of course they cheerfully accepted, and were there in time. The Professor was highly delighted to see them, so were Mrs, Smith and Miss Smith. It was Saturday. An hour’s conversation in the parlor passed off very finely, before the hour of dining. The topics of conversatiou were upon various sub- jects. At last, a few light sounds from a small bell brought them to the dinner-table. But the sight! Chickens! Chickens! In short, it seemed very strange to the Professor’s guests, as they gazed down a large table where were to be seen some dozen fowls, or more, all, all of that species. The scene alone proved that the Smith family were death on fowl living. After the venerable, gray-haired Professor had ‘offered up a kind, affectionate, and lengthy prayer,” he rubbed his eyes for a short time, and then rose up out of his chair, and in an easy, jocund way, deliberately asked Tim, as he held the carving knife in hand, whether he preferred :; ** A leg of old Smith—a piece of Mrs, Smith —or a wing of Miss Smith?” The scene at this time was exciting and em- barrassing enough. They took the “ hint.” * Sold!” exclaimed Tim, as he sprung from his chair. ** Caught!” said Josh, blushingly. ‘* Done for !” added the third chap, with a deep blush. The boys immediately “‘owned up,” asked for forgiveness, offered to pay a tenfold price for the ‘“‘ damages incurred,” shook hands, and then sat down and partook of a hearty dinner, although they felt ‘‘ chicken-hearted,” as they fowlly imposed upon the rights of Professor Smith and family. Yes, Professor Smith was altogether too smart for them; for, as luck would have it, he was watching their ‘‘ fow] play ” on the night in question; and after they took ‘ French leave,” he conveyed home the bag and its con- tents, This story puts us forcibly in mind of an- other one. It is not about Professor Smith, but of Professor Jones. Both are, however, ‘‘in the family.” The scene opens at the ‘Philistine Society,” on one evening when they were holding a meeting. ‘‘Gentlemen,” said Steve, of Virginia, who was never satisfied unless mixed up in mis- chief, ‘‘I rise merely to make a motion—one, gentlemen, which I am sure will meet with your hearty approval. But allow me to pre- face it with a few remarks. ‘‘ Gentlemen, we live and breathe at a happy and glorious juncture of time. We live in an age of improvement —at a period when reform meets reform upon all sides continually, and every day still continues to bring something new. Gentlemen, this is a great country, and we are wisely told that God sifted three king- doms to find seed to plant the United States, “‘Gentlemen,” continued Steve, who, al- though but eighteen years of age, was an elo- quent young speaker, ‘“‘to make our country and its institutions more perfect in those de- partments so essential, so requisite and so im- portant to the American people, our duty should be to study the powerful lesson of Re- form, We should go in rapidly for a change, and as long a3 I have breath, Reform shall be my aim, for there is nothing like Progress, ‘*Gentlemen, allow me to ask you to look back upon the past—at least those who are tardy in helping the great cause of reform and progress. What a lesson for us! What a mighty field for observation!” ‘“ Wonder what Steve is aiming after, eh?” interposed Tim, with a smile. ‘*Order, gentlemen,” cried the President, but he could hardly refrain from smiling. ‘‘Gentlemen, as cities have arisen in splen- dor, the arts of civilization have also progress- ed as far into the wilderness as man has pene- trated, while the boon of freedom carefully protects our rights. Around us peace and plenty smiles, while industry, skill and power is more and more evinced upon all sides —” ‘Plenty of cigars, but the demijohn is empty!” observed She-cargo as the speaker touched upon peace and plenty. tr i ** Since man has visited the clouds of this di- urnal sphere, gentlemen, explored the sublim- ity of the stars, more dazzling, more brilliant than earthly jewelry—” ‘Guess he forgets Miss Holmes’s diamond bracelet!” interposed Bouncer. “Since man, gentlemen, has calculated the magnitude of the planets in their eternal rounds —ranged and surveyed deev into tha spacious fields of countless wonders—many a new idea in the progress of the age in which we live has been brought into existence, Sir, Progress is a great word. The region: of space, the circuit of earth, and the canopy of heaven, man has considered; and notwith- standing this, he has traversed the earth’s sur- face in almost every direction—upon the wa- ter and upon the land—” “Oh, my!” exclaimed Jed, of Tennesseo. *‘Order, gentlemen,” cried the President. ‘“‘His powers, sir, have been indulged in every source,” continued Steve, who seemei to feel perfectly at home, ‘‘and wherever we may look, we behold what reform has done, Is it not a glorious look, sir?” ‘‘Oh, Gas!” cried forth Roarer, with a laugh. ‘‘Gentlemen, in defending my motion by a few remarks, I have thus far shown the great importance of reform, of progress, of exper- iment! The country is growing at an enor- mous rate, and the minds of the people are brought to bear and to act. It is oui duty to help, on a small scale, to bring about these re- forms. The bark canoe has given way to the plank, bouncing stages for railroad cars—can- vas for steam, and lightning a substitute for steam. ** Gentlemen, as you, doubtless, observe the drift of my remarks by this time, my prayer is for Reform—Reform! And, now, Mr. Pres- ident, I move— “That Professor Jones’s old covered car- riage, which, judging from the fashion and dis- play of taste, was built some little time after Noah’s Ark, be removed from its present place to the interior of a certain tract of woods well known to every member of this society, and there left in iis ‘ old age’ to meet with a peace- ful rest hereafter.” The speech and motion caused a deal of laughter, as they could not imagine, when he commenced his speech, where the fellow intend- ed to bring out. Before Steve had fairly taken his seat, the motion was seconded and carried unanimously, ** When shall it be done, gentlemen?” grave- ly asked the President of the ‘ Philistines,” ‘*T move, Mr. Pres-Pres-President, that that very fine job be put-put-put through on-on- on—"’ ‘Oh, sit down, Joggles; you are too drunk to talk,” spoke forth Dan, with a smile, This created a smile all round. ‘“‘T move, Mr. Pres-Pres-President, that I have an important part toact in that-that-that scrape,” muttered out Joggles, again. ‘Oh, be seated, Jog,” plead Steve. ‘No, sir; I don’t do-do-do no such a thing, as I won’t be overruled,” replied Joggles, ‘* I’m- I’m purely independent.” The scene was laughable enough. “Will the gentleman hailing from the re- spectable State of Louisiana, please be seated?” asked the President, in a very polite manner, ‘‘ Providing the honorable mem-mem-m°m- ber hailing from the virtuous State of Vir- ginia will agree to stand treat for liquor and se-se-se-segars, down to old Keeler’s/” replied Joggles, with a half-sleeping smile. Of course, to get him down, Steve agreed to do so. uring the next evening, plans were laid to carry into effect the proposed scheme, At a certain hour of the night, some four. of the students rushed forth with the Professor’s old family carriage, They put out of town, struck upon the main turnpike road, and then on for a distance of some two milesor more. Joggies was one of the four, but on this occasion, he happened to be pretty sober. Steve was the ringleader, ‘*What do you think ‘old gray-head’ would say if he knew all?’ asked Dan. ‘Oh, he would be awful mad,” was the re- ply. ‘‘ But isn’t it right, now, aside from joking, that he should have a new carriage?” soberly inquired Steve, as they slowly walked along. ‘‘ Certainly it is. We must stow it far away in the woods.” “ We'll fix all right,” added Steve, (COAMIUCE SjalE@) 6)(0\(0) —— ame = me oe aD 5}