Authentic Science Fiction Monthly No. 72 — page 83: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

AUTHENTIC SCIENCE FICTION me. It didn’t seem logical to them that I should want to retain control of my own ship in the emergency, even though by doing so I increased the chances of an accident. They said I had what they called a sociogenic disability —a psychotic block that pre- vented me from co-operating with other people. That’s a hell of a can to tie onto a pilot, especially when my record up to that time was perfectly clean. But that’s just the way I am. I don’t want any favours from anybody—is there anything wrong with being like that? A man’s got to stand on his own two feet, and if he can’t he’s no business to be around at all. This Grant—what right has he got to be so goddamned helpful ? I never did anything to or for him, but he walked in on my life, smiling and doing - good as if he was some preacher. If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t be on this trip at all. He gave me the chance to find out that I’m no longer any use as a pilot. All along the line he’s been in there helping me. Fine, that’s the way he is. Those things I can ignore. But the one thing I can never ignore, or forgive, is the way he saved my life. All the rest of my conscious moments I shall be aware that I am alive only through his favour, through his grace. Just because he came out there and dragged me in. Unless I settle the debt I shall never be free of the thought of how much I owe him. And I can’t live that way. I’m going into the living quarters in a minute. I’ve got a wrench here, and he’ll be asleep. It’s a messy, brutal way of doing the job, but there aren’t any weapons aboard. He'll die quickly. I can’t afford to take a chance on struggling with him; that mas- sive young body is too strong. I’m finished now. Maybe you'll understand the way I feel. If not, it doesn’t really matter. I don’t need your sympathy. i I don’t want anything from anybody—that’s the way Lam. 82 | 4 connicloooks.cohn)