The Argosy, June 1904 — page 82: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

RUMBLE’S RHEUMATIC REMEDY. BY MASTERS B. STEVENS. Detailing the surprising outcome of an attempt to hold up a firm of patent medicine manufacturers. LIEK fat man was Rumble. He, with three companions, had just fin- ished the best dinner afforded by the dining car of the “ Transcontinental,” and now, having lit their cigars—all ex- cept the thin man, who drew forth a Turkish cigarette instead—they were leaning back in calm enjoyment, with occasional glimpses at the landscape out of the windows. Suddenly there came into the picture a long sweep of level country, and along the pike which paralleled the railway ran a high board fence resplendent in a coat of whitewash. Rumble had been almost overeome by an. after-dinner lethargy, but when he saw the fence, he straightened up, threw back his shoulders, and called the atten- tion of the others to the sign upon 1. “Rumble’s Rheumatic Remedy,” re- peated several times, was the first sim- pie announcement; then, having pre- sented the article, the signs procecded to sound its virtues. “It Is Good,” the black paint upon the white fence said—but not satisfied with this, “It Is Best” soon came boldly into view. “ Use It,” “ Use It,” “Use It,” was repeated for half a mile, it seemed; and the whole ended, in let- ters larger and blacker than the rest— as if to take the place of an orator’s peroration—with the blazoned letter- ing, half announcement and half com- mand: “ Rheumatic Remedy. The Best Rheumatie Remedy. Use It! Use It! Remember! Rumble’s!” The thin man sneered. “A pleasing adornment of the land- scape.” The barbed shaft of satire passed harmlessly by Rumble. “You bet,” he replied; “shows that ‘there’s something doing,’ as we say in Chicago.” It was evident that Rumble wanted to talk. He was obliged to talk when Rum- PRODUCED BY UNZ.ORG Con ELECTRONIC REPRODUCTION PROHIBITED ble’s Rheumatic Remedy happened to be mentioned. Rumble was the Rheumatic Remedy, and the Rheumatic Remedy was Rum- ble; they were twin brothers of com- meree—and Rumble himself was dark and squat, like the bottles which held the Remedy. “Want to hear how it happened ? ” It was evident to all present that Rumble intended to tell the story whether they cared to hear or not. Rumble was like a bottle of the Remedy which had been unduly heated; there was a mighty effervescence going on in- side, and the cork was bound to fly. Two of Rumble’s companions bowed pleasant assent; only the thin man spoke: “You headed the African exploring party which discovered the wonderful root, [ suppose? ” Again the fat man was impervious to the thin man’s satire. “ African root, fiddlesticks,’” Rumble responded brazenly. “ The stuff is made right in our laboratory in good old ‘Chic.’ but it’s none the less all right for that. Our signs, of which. you have just seen a sample, but which could as well be seen where the Japs are fighting the Russians—for they girdle the carth— tell nothing but the truth when they say that Rumble’s is the v-e-r-y b-e-s-t, the only rheumatic remedy on earth.” Rumble settled himself more casily in his seat as he continued: “Tt was twelve years ago—or will be in a day or two—that I stood on the corner of G Avenue and State Street in Chicago with one dollar and a quarter in my pocket and no immediate pros- peet of getting more. I was trying to practise law—and I was sleeping on a lounge in my office and burning Con- gressional Records to keep warm. Hat? Well, I had a stout leather belt, and hadn’t used quite all the buckle holes. MICLOOl CO