Amazing Stories, Vol. 2, No. 1 — page 54: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

SS tae pre irda eg Te eS Saks Re et OF Made a tan le Oa [eu| KEEFE, my boy, I am glad to see you!” i said Hicks, giving me so hearty a slap MH on the shoulder that my artificial teeth yi dropped half an inch. I hate persons = who cannot refrain from personal con- You are the, very My “I am glad to see you! tact. man I wished to meet this morning, O’Keefe. house is only a few steps off. Let’s go there ” BRO 34,3 “T am sorry, old man,” said I in my iciest tone, “but I am really afraid that I can’t accompany you this morning, for I have an important engagement at nine o’clock, and it’s twenty minutes to nine now. Perhaps some other time... .” I hardly had time to get peeved at myself for proffering that ancient gag before Hicks inter- rupted me. You simply can’t finish a sentence with that man around. until some other day,” he replied, “‘for it is of great importance.” Here he paused several seconds to let his words soak in. “In fact, it is of the great- est importance for me and for you, too, that you see what I have to show you.” Hicks had accosted me two or three times before, when he called himself a writer, only to drag me > off into his private den and there read to me ex- tracts from his “Essays on Practical Philosophy” for several hours at a time with an endurance bor- dering on callousness. Once he kept me there for seven hours at one stretch, reading to me his great book on “The Necessity of Regularity in Nutrition as an Aid to Longevity” while I missed lunch and was three hours late for supper. I protested then that I had urgent business on hand and tried to get out, at last resorting to downright violation ‘ of politeness. It didn’t do any good. I had to stay there and listen to that confounded “Regular- ity in Nutrition” while I was getting ferocious with hunger. I merely mention this to explain to you why I gave him a cold reception. And I was already beginning to have a hunch, a kind of dark premonition, that I would not be able to wriggle out of it this time “Hicks,” I said in des- peration, “if you think that you can shanghai me again and read for nine hours on ‘The Necessity of Regularity in Nutri- tion’ or some other rotten subject while I miss my meals and nearly perish from hunger, I want to inform you that you are mistaken, that you are entirely, absolutely, completely off.’ There is no question, I can be firm when it becomes necessary. In answer to this, Hicks merely laughed loudly and heartily. “You know, I must laugh about that myself, now, O’Keefe,” he said. “That sure was -funny that time, oh, oh, oh, oh, Gee,” and he Jaughed again until tears started in his eyes. “But,” and his mirth subsided and he grew serious, “but this time it’s something entirely different. I have realized, O’Keefe, my boy, that the progress of mankind can never be achieved by words, and what,” and here he eyed: me questioningly, almost “Then put that engagement off EES PETER ae MR aS TR VA We take pleasure in presenting our new author with a most hilarious tale, which you will enjoy from be- ginning to end. When an inventor with a warped sense of humor begins to invent time-saving machines, you can al- ways expect something that will tickle your risibilities. The situation brought about by the present example of Hicks’ Inventions belongs to that class and will afford you twenty minutes of gentune amusement. HICKS’ INVENTIONS WITH A KICK 53 books, and philosophy and:all the rest of it? Un- doubtedly you think them of the greatest import- ance; you believe that they are responsible for hu- manity’s progress; you,” and he pointed his fore- finger at me, while his regard grew positively ac- cusing, “you, and others like you, swear by them. But I have long ago given up all faith in them. It is deeds, not words, that make the world go round. Inventions, above everything, have placed the Modern World where it is. And seeing this and realizing at the same time that I was gifted by nature with a certain, I may say a considerable, if not unusual degree of inventiveness, I have bent my energies upon inventing, and, my boy, you shall yourself judge if I have not been successful.” Here Hicks slapped me on the shoulder and broke into a little snappy jig on the sidewalk. At first I thought he had lost what reason he might have had before, but presently he stopped his little dance and continued: The Greatest Invention of the Decade ss GD amon it shall be your good fortune, this morning, to be the first outsider to see the full-sized working model of the greatest invention of this decade, the Hicks’ Automatic Self-Serving Dining Table.” As he pronounced these words, the inventor took a couple of steps back to better survey the effect. “Automatic: Self-Preserving ...” I gasped. “Self-Serving!” sternly corrected the inventor. “Self-Serving Dining Table.” | “Self-Serving Dining Table,” I stuttered me- chanically, while my wits began to reel. “You bet!” assured the genius. “Think of it, my boy, of having a dining table where you don’t have to reach for anything or ask somebody to pass you something. Merely press a button, and presto! the dish you want is before you, within easy reach. You want a little more soup. Do you have to hand out your plate to a servant behind you who is liable to pour it down your neck and listens to the entire con- versation all the time? Not so. With the Hicks’ Automatic Self-Serving Dining Table all you do is press a button, turn a stop-cock—and there you are, your plate is full! Think of it, man! Isn’t that worth seeing?” I must admit that he had me going. I knew Hicks of old, but I had not expected that he would make such a complete change of front and try his hand at anything practical. I can assure you that I had my serious doubts about the feasibility and success of that Automatic Dining-Table, but my curiosity was aroused, and as I did not have any- thing of importance to do that morning, I decided to go along and see. Prevarication is a thing I hate. I had resorted to, it only under pressure of circumstances when 1 told Hicks that I had an im- portant engagement on. To save my face I had to go into a drug-store and talk for three minutes to myself over the phone cancelling that engagement, . in, too, and Pecauss, ae man insisted on goin *comicl an ag ybesressively, whet Be words are articles and Lye 7 ie JOC OKS.cOom —_ lt a» : oe er dd “” re Th Sore - oc" ‘