Puck — November 13, 1878 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. SOME SOCIAL FIENDS. Vil. ‘THE PREACHING FIEND. Our fellow countrymen can be congratu- lated that this Fiend flourishes principally in Brooklyn; and although known elsewhere, he flourishes his tail more nfildly, and opes his wide and ponderous jaws with less ferocity in other localities than he does in the city of churches, In Brooklyn he can howl his howliest howl. He can? He must! Brooklyn is proverbially unsuccessful as a city of theatres, It has sucked in its dramatic pabulum for many years from New York and such Roscian itinerants as had ‘to lay” over in Brooklyn, while ef route to Yaphauk or other centres of the show busi- ness. But the religions people of the city of churches need some excitement, and they seck it on Sunday in those gorgeous architectural piles (mortgaged) wherein a ten or twenty thousand dollar preacher can run the gamut from heavy tragedy [applause] down to the broadest and funniest farce. [Loud laughter. To run this sort of thing costs money. A real nice Methodist minister can be hired for less than $800 a year; and $300 with house rent and expenses will secure a healthy Catho- lic priest, Fresh from Maynooth, But, bless your heart, there is no fun—in church—in this sort of preacher. Their discourses are of the most solemn and lugubrious sort. They, so to speak, make sinners feel sick, and ‘ Standing Room Only” placards are not to’be found among their ecclesiastical properties. tu So, mon ami, you perceive at once that such cattle as these are not desired in the green fields of Brooklyn... The preacher who can freeze several young bloods at one moment, and tickle the ears of the maidens at the next; _ whose discourse hath in it—not the tear and the smile—but the shock and the grin, Ae is the fellow for Brooklyn. And here is wherein he is truly a Fiend. For he goes for the female. O, hush! ‘Ihere is no allusion intended to the true inwardness of the Preaching Fiend. Reference 1s only made to his outward workings on the female pocket. He must be supported; he must have the purple and fine linen of brown-stone fronts, fleet steeds and dainty cookery. His children must be better dressed, and his wife have more means to spend on charity (at home) than other females. ‘The Preaching Fiend must have his little vacations in the country; and his long vacations among the cafés in Paris, Some- times the Preaching F. is restless, and seeking rest, findeth none.. He rushes to the twin White Mountains, where there are ragged edges; he railroads himself across the Continent, where he even wishes he were be dead; and his weary soul urges him across the seas to seek oblivion, ‘This 1s good for the female pocket; for the P. F, gets money for these peregrina- tions, and the F. P. has no drains upon it in the interim. But when the Preaching Fiend is at home doing his work as Leading Mounte- bank, then the average father and husband shivers, ‘The females of the family need money for pew hire and premium; for flowers for the Pastor’s desk; for a donation party to the dear Pastor; to enable him to take a trip to Syria; to newly furnish his house; to help pay off mortgages on the ‘Temple; to—but so on, ad infinitum. And the male, purse-bearing mem- ber of the family fears the name of the old foul fiend less than that of the modern Preach- ing Fiend. Is there no remedy for the attacks of this prowler, this purse despoiler? Yes, in the watchfulness of the moral press. In one case, as may be seen in the chromo at the head of this article, the Preaching Fiend, seeing himself as others see him, cuts a flip-flap and —swallows himself, E.S. L. FITZNOODLE IN AMERICA. No. LXIL. THE RECENT ELEC- TION. Ya-as, on sever- wal occasions I have wemarked that Amerwicans are aw verwy often en- gaged in election- eerwing, because, yer see, in this blarsted ~countwy fellaws have to be elected to everwy descwiption of office, and the gweater part of the time of the Wepublic is taken up in attending to this business. says he never aw knew a day he-ah that some- body or othah wasn’t weceiving votes to aw be weturned for some office; which if a fellawgot would put him in weceipt of a good salarwy. It is a fwightfully complicated arwangement, | and, by Jove, I can’t even understand how Jack | gets it thrwough his bwain—can’t, ‘pon’ my sacwed honah. I weally don’t know aw why I twy to com- pwehend it, and I may as well wemark that I nevah expect to aw. ‘There are some fellaws called Demoewats; and then, on the other hand, there are aw some othah fellaws called Wepublicans. ‘They take their peculiah names faw wecweation; faw no fellaw’has evah been clevah enough to find out the differwence in the pwinciples of these verwy extwaordinary parties, Jack says that one is in office and the othah is out; and A NEW USE FOR Jack | that is quite differwence enough for anything. Then there are othah parties who have something to say—fellaws who live in a Tim- many Hall and are membahs of an Indian twibe, Jam told they dwess in fethahs, have paint put on their faces with a paint bwush, and that they nevah go out without carwying aw tomahawks for pwotection. I don’t wemem- bah seeing any such cweatures as these about the stweets, but I suppose that they are we- siding somewhere. Then aw, to make this Amerwican election business more dweadfully and widiculously in- twicate than evah, there are othah descwiptions of people who vote, who call themselves Gween- backers; and maw fellaws, who Jack says are Demoewats, but no welation to the Indian in- dividuals with the tomahawks and paint bwushes, This particular bwanch of Amerwican poli- tics wejoices in the name of Timminy Hall. I don't know why they call it a Hall, but aw the Timminy is derwived fwom a number of fellaws named Tim or Timothy who are aw membahs. ‘The pwincipal Indian, who has charge of these aborwiginal Timminies, is a fellaw with the aw not particularly wefined Irwish Fenian name of John Kelly. ‘This aw Kelly wanted to aw wule the woast, and everwything else, with a wod of irwon, and Jack tells me that the wesult was anything but satisfactorwy to the Wed Indian Chief, I think Amerwicans are quite wight not to be wuled by Wed Indians. But the queerwest thing about the election was the gweat aw numbah of aw people an Amerwican has to vote aw faw. Mayors, aw Judges, aw Corwoners, aw membahs of Amerwi- can Parliament, and aw othahs. Everwy fellaw in the countwy can amuse himself in this aw way. The names are all witten on widiculous little sewaps of papah, and each fellaw dwops half a gwoss of these in twansparwent globes. ‘The whole arwangement, yer know, is so differwent and inferwiah fwom the mannah of aw doing it at home that I weally felt awfully sorwy faw the barbarwism still wampant in this overgwown aw pwimitive countwy, as we dwove about to see the pwoceedings. He-ah there are no aw hustings, no aw weturn- ing-officers, no bwoken heads, not much dwink- ing, and altogethah the aw affaiah is conducted ina wetchedly wepublican mannah. ‘There's anothah peculiarwity he-ah, Any Irwishman who comes to Amerwica for the first time has aw just to telegwaph to the Pwesi- dent that he is aw coming and a vote is pwo- vided faw him immediately on his arwival aw. comicbooks.com