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Life, 1926-08-05 · page 37 of 41

Life — August 5, 1926 — page 37: what you’re looking at

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Life — August 5, 1926 — page 37: Life, 1926-08-05

What you’re looking at

This page contains **"Sure-Fire History,"** a satirical sketch by Henry William Hanemann that mocks historical narratives by inserting absurd modern anachronisms and non-sequiturs into famous historical moments. The humor derives from historical figures making ridiculous statements or trivial complaints that contradict the gravity of events: a Trojan soldier gets impaled while singing about horses; Napoleon worries about porcelain dental work instead of conquest; King Solomon admits to owning "a hundred Fatimas"; a Revolutionary War soldier claims his target had jaundice. The satire appears to mock both pretentious historical drama and perhaps contemporary politicians/military figures who make seemingly important pronouncements about serious matters while remaining fundamentally petty or self-absorbed. The page also contains period advertisements (German War Glasses, Reddy Tee golf product) and a Mennen Shaving Cream ad with testimonial letter—typical of 1910s-era Life magazine content.

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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

smart fighter looks after his hands. So does a smart golfer. That’s why he 2 sidesteps the sand of the-tge, box and slanis "era d mtile\off Fhe BO ORMM rei Meow tT [- if { Ask for Reddy Toeaby name. the yellow or the red. Both winners both “Reddy”, One Picee, and sehite birch ‘from tip to cup Just stick itin the turf and 8-h-O-O-8 25¢ FOR A*BOX OF 18 The Nieblo Manufacturing Co., Inc. 38 East 23rd Street, New York, N.Y, (German War Glasses For hunting, motoring, the races, ocean travel, bird and nature study, ete. We have been fortunate tn making new and Permanent connections with one of the best German optiral manutacturers for an additional supply of jerman War Glassea, which have proved so in this country. presenting a conservative $20 value, they are the same eMctent model all-purpose field glass Dubt for war use, according to strict military speck in Tot Serviee {ih leather epee sarage and lene cover Lach atame fempected, tested, and guaranteed tn perfect wa line Seale AS SORT ee ele Order your field glasses today SWIFT & ANDERSON, Inc. SUCCESSORS TO HENDERSON BROTHERS Largest tmporters of field glasses tn America |97 to 99 Federal Street Life Sure-Fire History Scene One: Inside the Trojan Horse. I RST TROJAN SOLDIER: Well, now, how about a little song? Chorus or Soup Yes, Hi, Steve! Give us a song. First Sorvier (clearing his throat): “Horses, horses, ho Goofy over horses, horses, horse: (He is impaled on a spear.) ee ve Two: On the banks of the I'v Creovatra: Throw him back and pull up a second tenor. (Jn the dis- tance a pyramid falls with a soft splosh.) ** @ Scene Turer: Before the Battle of Austerlit Naroteon: And remember, in the knapsack of every soldier is a mar- 's baton. Private Ginsptrove (of the 107th Light Foot): Hell! I thought that was a flute. (The retreat from Moscow is delayed siz weeks.) se Scene Four: Julius Cesar’s Atrium (what do we care for unity?). Antony: That makes three times you've been offered a crown. What's the matter with you, anyway, Julius? Cxsar (who has been going into it pretty thoroughly): I'm holding out for a porcelain filling. falls over backward.) see Scene Five: Herod’s Ballroom. Satome: I> want the head of Tokanaan. Heropias: Do me a favor. a piece wing, foist. (All the soldie: run out, screaming.) see Scene Six: King Solomon’s Sun Porch. A Frienp: Solly, I'd walk a mile for a camel. Soromon (with a leer toward his harem): Don’t do it. I've got a hundred Fatimas in the next room. (This goes on indefinitely.) see Scene Seven: After the Battle of Bunker Hill. Wittuam Prescorr: Didn't I tell you to shoot when you saw the whites of their eyes? Tue Unknown Revotutionary Sorprer: But the guy I was aiming at had jaundice! (Just at this mo- ment the rain comes down and spoils everything.) Henry William Hanemann. (Antony | I JUST RECEIVED THIS LETTER: Dear Jim: Tm a peddler—a paint peddler. Just plain paint. You know—house paint, barn paint, mill and factory paint. ‘Asone salesmanto anotherthough, I want to tell you that your trio of Gloom Chasers isthe best ever. They ring the bell. y, ever since you've ma, I've been Smilin’ Thru your balm and powder every mor: Fraternally, LW In one way, I'm practically a paint salesman myself. I'm selling nature’s own face paint —a good complexion. Your physiog- nomy is my territory. Suppose tomorrow A. M. you begin the shaving sprint with a coat of Mennen lather —super-moist, triple strength. Mixes with any local water. Whips the fight out of the toughest, scrappiest crop of whiskers that ever bristled up to a keen-edged blade—and whips them until they purr. One round of the razor flips them off without a twinge. You get a shave tha asset —quick, close and flattering. Our scientists call this Mennen beard taming process dermutation. You'll call it transformation. Then try a few squirts of Mennen Skin Balm in the wake of the razor blade. At first it bites agreeably —that's the antiseptic, astringent touch. Then it briskly stimulates the circulation—sets the skin a-tingling. You know you like it, right on the spot. Your mirror will convince you that you want it. Your face looks healthy, smooth, un- blemished. Skin Balm comes in leak-proof form in handy tubes. Fifty cents a throw. For the final touch of good grooming, flick a film of Talcum for Men over all. Neutral intone. Doesn't show on the face. So mildly perfumed, even an inquiring public won't smell out your secret. That's the Mennen Shave in toto, You'll want to be initiated. fin te MENNASN SHAVING CREAM comicbooks.com