Life — May 6, 1926 — page 36: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The Lawyer: Were 1 AM 30 DE FEND you! —La Voz (Madrid) Columbus Day in Florida “Groucho” Marx, who recently bought some property in Florida, received the following telegram from a friend whom he had asked to look over the estate: “Congratulations Just discovered land."—New York Morning Telegraph. The Insignificant Lamb “Did you get caught in the market?” “I lost money, but I won't say I got caught. Nobody appeared to know I was there."—Washington Star. Wuom the juries would acquit they first make mad.—Arkansas Gasette, “Aut Scissors aut Nullus” Try This on Your Roadster A story is going the rounds to the effect. that a certain automobile owner installed a new-fangled carburetor that was guar- anteed to save 20 per cent. in gas. Then he put in special spark plugs that were guaranteed to save 20 per cent. of the same precious fluid, and an intake super- heater that was guaranteed to save 20 per cent. He next put in a patented rear-axle that was also guaranteed to Save 20 per cent., and re-tired with a new brand of tires that promised a 20 per cent. saving in gas consumption. Finally, he drained his crank case and refilled it with anew oil guaranteed to increase his mileage 20 per cent. Now, with a fuel economy of 120 per cent., the owner has to stop every hundred miles and bail out the gas tank to keep it from running over —American Mutual Magazine. All for Love He: Do you know, young lady, that a gentleman was recently sentenced to a month of hard labor for giving a kiss? Sue: Oh, John, give me one as if you were going to be sentenced for life! —Le Rire (Paris). Art abbreviation’s artless aid, from the San Francisco Examiner: SACRAMENTO, 2085—Exe. dist, op. pki 23 r. bktt_nk.. wb: view —New York World. “pip YoU FAT THE PLUMS?” “NO, MAMMA.” “AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE PITS ON THE FLOOR?” “THEY ARE THE COOK'S, MAMMA—I SWALLOW MINE.” —Cabral, in Excelsior (Mexico City). “1 HAVE ENTRUSTED YOU WITH THE PART OF A CONGENITAL IDIOT. WHAT- EVER YOU DO, BE SURE TO BE NATURAL.” —Le Ruy Blas (Paris). Woman o. Auto (Mr. Arnold Bennett wonders why it is that a man takes so much more care in choosing a car than in choosing a wife.) Why is it when I buy a car Careful inquiry I must make, How many cylinders there are, And if it’s got the four-wheel brake, And if the bearings are indeed Quite strong enough for constant use, How many miles I can proceed Per gallon of the vital juice? And yet, when I select a wife None of these things do I require, Although I’m taking her for life, And each of us may quickly tire; Why do I rush to make her mine? The reason is not far to seek— Cars are of standardized design, While every woman is unique! —Eve (London). Acclimatization Ephraim Walker Jones, colored (very), had, by due process of law, been hanged” in Florida. His funeral was being preached by a Kentucky Negro who had known Ephraim since childhood. “Brethren,” said the preacher, “you all have come to pay your last respects to the deceased Brother Jones. This brother was bred and born in Kentucky, where he grew to manhood ; he later gravitated to Tennessee; then Alabama; then Georgia, and last to Florida, where he met, wed and killed his wife. This is the crime he has just paid for. Brethren and Sisters, this deceased brother is now in hell, and the only consolation I can offer the sorrowing relatives is that he went there gradually."—Harvard Lampoon. Tue latest African expedition will search for a mouse said to be smaller than a bee. It should go rather well in the modern apartment—Detroit News. comicbooks.com