Life, 1925-12-03 · page 30 of 84
Life — December 3, 1925 — page 30: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This is a satirical children's story by Baron Ireland that parodies A.A. Milne's famous tales (note the subtitle: "Oh, you're not so smart, Mr. A. A. Milne!"). The story mocks both Milne's writing style and contemporary American capitalism. Three ants catch cold from lacking clothes. Rather than the wholesome moral lessons of Milne's stories, this tale depicts naked capitalism: the ants earn enormous sums ("eighty million billion trillion sillion dollars") by destroying a man's property—eating his roses and building on his lawn—in exchange for payment. Two industrious ants buy warm clothes and survive; the lazy third ant refuses to work, catches pneumonia, and dies. The satire targets both sentimentalized children's literature and the American economic system's harsh inequalities—suggesting that survival depends entirely on commercial transaction and labor, with no room for idleness or failure.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
(Oh, you're not so smart, Mr. A. A. Milne!) NCE upona time there were three little Ants. They had lots of legs but they hadn't any pants. They had no coats and they had no vests, So they all caught cold in their legs and their chests. They sent for the doctor and the door said, “It's a wonder you haven't caught coldiin the head; Because, don’t you know, if you don’t wear cloze You're sure to catch cold in your eyes and nose: “And if you catch cold in your hands and feet You catch pew-mony and you die toot sweet If you die toot sweet, why, you die mighty quick, So you'd better buy cloze before you get too sick! Then they each gave a cough and they all gave a sneeze, And they paid the doctor fifty-leven dollars, please; And it made them gloomy and it made them sad, For fifty-leven dollars was all that they had. So they said, “Well! Well! and they said *Gurk! Gurk! We have no money so we mut go to work, Then we'll earn some money which will buy us vets And coats and pants for our legs and chests. Oh, we mu have coats and we must have pants Or we'll catch more cold!" said the three little Ants. Then the firstittle Ant gave a pull and a push And he climbed op Mister Bill Smith’s rose bush; He gave both his jaws six tweaks and two twiddles And began eating rose leaves our in their middles. Then Mister Bill Smith’came along and said, “If you eat all my roses my bush will be dead. So please, Mister Ant, if you only will top, _ I'll pay you eighty million bullion trillion sillion dolisrs anda lollipop!” f ~ A ‘Then the first little Ant said, “Thanks, Mister Smith; I need some money tor to buy cloze with,” So he took the eighty million hillion trillion sillion dollars in gold And bought warm cloze, and they cured his cold. Now the second little Ant began just at dawn To build a house on Mister Bill Smith's lawn; Then Mister Bill Smith came along and said, “If you build that house my lawn will be dead. “So please, Mister Ant, if you'll only Sop, I'll give you ninety million billion trillion sillion dollars and a lollipop! So the second little Ant took the ninety million billion trillion sillion dollars in gold And bought warm cloze, and they cured his cold, But the third little Ant wasa lazy little Ant And he wouldn't work enough to buy a single pant! He wouldn't work enough to buy a coat or a vest, So he caught more cold in his legs and his chest. And because he was lazy and wouldn't buy cloze He caught a cold in his eyes and his nose; He caught a cold in his hands and his feet, Then he caught pew-mony and he died toot sweet! So that is the story of the three little Ants Who hadn’t any coats or vests or pants. They hadn't any coats or vests or pants, And that is the story of the three little Ants. Baron Ireland, comicbooks.com