Life — July 16, 1925 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

~ LIFE - The Perfect Golf Course HERE is, speaking of golf courses, a course in the State of for which I have a sneaking fondness. I like it not for its emerald greens or springy fairway, nor for its noble architecture, nor for its hoary trees and grave, silent, philosophical caddies. To begin with, the caddies are neither grave nor silent nor philosophical. They are a special breed, part mon- key and entirely moron. They wrestle about in a frenzied shambles direct- ly behind the first tee. They are interminable and untiring. By the first green the trains rush along, scream- ing wildly. The service is practically continuous. You can count on a fresh train for each putt—even one cye open, is another swamp. By the green the trains skip along in full ery, every minute on the minute. As it would be impossible to duplicate the conditions, there are only nine holes to this course, But you are at liberty to start out and try them all over again, If you do, you won't be at liberty much longer. But, as I said, I like this course. I like it not for its caddies, or its turf, or its architecture, but for the very things I have enumerated. What- ever happens to your game, you are never with- out a perfect alibi. H.W. Hanemann, The Party Line “T DON'T know _ but a CSMGAR if you should take seven, Pity THE POOR CHAP WHO MAKES A what it would save a which you generally do. HOLE IN ONE, WITH NONE THERE TO lot of talk to hev jest one Hard by the second SEE HIM DO IT, tee is a private residence boasting a player-piano which is not only com- pletely unstrung but suffering from chronic “All Alone.” I have lately heard that the piano has been augmented by a large and ex- tremely vicious radio set. The third tee faces a network of telegraph wires directly over a swamp. The ball has been known to pass through the wires, al- though on that occasion it was lost in the forest beyond the green. The fourth tee is beyond the trolley tracks. The motormen, being themselves sportsmen, always see that the windows in passing trolleys are left open. This gives you a fair chance to play through one window and out the other. But it takes extremely nice timing. The fifth tee is up on a hill, with a very fine road to the right of it. The road is a layground for high-powered automobiles that have had their cut-outs removed. Flank- ing the sixth green, as I remember, are the kennels of a pack of foxhounds that have been crossed with cither a Beethoven Sangerbund or an oratorical society. They take them- selves very serious, The seventh green is always being watered. The cighth green is temporarily under re- pair, permanently, Players use cither a re- served section of the fairway or the second green—whichever happens to be less favor- able for an approach. The ninth hole offers a reprise, if not a reprisal. The road is to the left of the tee, the trolley tracks are dead ahead. Not dead ahead of the trolley tracks, but sleeping with constitutional amendment to keep folks from enjoy- ing theirselves, and let it go at thet. “Maybelle Ellis wuz up to th’ librury an’ took out two books at oncet. Thet gal'll ruin her eyes sure, “I guess a movie actress figgers she’s done her duty when she stays married to one man long enough to find out how much sugar he takes into his coffee. “If you want to know what kind of times these are, Young Joe Mays, thet manages th’ five-and-ten-cent store to town, tells me th’ things he sells most of is lipsticks an’ caps fer beer bottles. “They ain't much hope fer a man when a gal goes out with him in a dress he said he didn't especially care fer.” ILK.M. Change It! HE: What a queer name you have, Miss Dunkelberg. Sue: Well, you know what you can do with it. WHIPPING post for bandits is being advocated in New York. But somehow our gentle- manly nature revolts at the idea of hat- check girls being BIG CHIEF WIND-IN-THE-FACE AND HIS flogged. FAMILY TOTEM POLE comicbooks.com