Life, 1925-05-28 · page 5 of 36
Life — May 28, 1925 — page 5: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains three distinct pieces: 1. **"Ballade of Temperance"** (poem by Ted Robinson): A satirical poem mocking temperance advocates who claim "there is much to be said on both sides" of the prohibition debate. The poem ridicules their supposed neutrality as cowardly fence-sitting. 2. **"If Monsieur Kerkoff...Should Write an Advertisement"** (by Mattie S. Watson): Humorous mock-advertisement imagining how a French perfume manufacturer might absurdly market lubricating oils using flowery French language and pretension—satirizing both French affectation and over-elaborate advertising copy. 3. **"Co-Getters Both Ways"**: A brief joke about a Philadelphia dry-agent training school, apparently playing on salesmanship terminology. The page satirizes temperance hypocrisy, pretentious advertising, and contemporary American anxieties around prohibition-era enforcement.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
“I'D LIKE A POUND OF SAUSAGES, AND WOULD YOU MIND Dor THEM UP SO THEY'LL LOOK LIKE A QUART OF SCOTCH ? If Monsieur Kerkoff, Parfumeur, Should Write an Advertisement on Lubricating Oils Is it that monsicur would care for a soupcon of Lubricating Oils? It is oh, so necessary that one lubricate the wheels of one’s Steel Mills! But w Kerkoff has assembled the oils, the greases, the slushes d'Afrique. Assembled them in boxes, barrels, and kegs, of a so simple and yet elegant a design, that Monsieur le Superintendent, his Foreman de la Facto: t le overseer of the Textile Mill will say, “An Oil superb! There is an Oil for gadgets, delicately perfumed, made of the strong yet graceful fish—and an Oil for cylinders alone, of acolor most subtle. Veritably a wealth of Oils to choose from! And, monsieur, et le Overseer de la Factorerie, le Manager du Works, a little secret—Kerkoff’s Secret—ah, but that would be telling, would it not, how we compound our so delightful Lubricating Oils? Sprinkle them, monsicur, upon your trains, your factories, your engines, and learn the secret of their fascination. The Lubricating Oils of Kerkoff are not to be resisted, mais non? ah, mais ouit Mattie S. Watson. Go-Getters Both Ways IFF: They now have a school for dry agents in Phila- delphia, T hear. Garr: What do they teach them? Salesmanship? Ballade of Temperance SPEAK not of liquor—the land hasn't got Any hard stuff to save or to spare; Of the choice between total abstainer and sot I have talked a bit more than my share But I'm out with a gun, as I'm free to declare, For that prince of opinionless snides Who says of each argument, fair or unfair, “There is much to be said on both sides.” T can never be sure if he’s for me or not, But I always am sure I don’t care; He's a Temperate Man—naither chilly nor hot— And how can he be on the square? We expect something else on their minds but their hair Whom we choose to be judges and guides, And they help not who say, with a smirk debonair, “There is much to be said on both sides.” He calls it Calm Judgment !—I know that is rot— It is plain, pusillanimous Scare! He's afraid he'll offend if he says what is what, And it's simply a case of Don’t Dare. 1 prefer the intemperate man who can swear To a fact, to the mutt who bestrides The fence of opinion, and bleats from up there, “There is much to be said on both sides!" L'Exvot I suppose when he goes where all motives are bare, And Justice Eternal abides, Between heaven and hell he will hang in the air, There's so much to be said on both sides! Ted Robinson, “sToP, NOTION COUNTER AT BIMBEL’S AND YOU'LL HAVE TO TURN RIGHT AROUND AND GO BACK POR THEM.” comicbooks.com