Life — April 2, 1925 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

yf E Pluribus .Unum NEW YORKER thirtks a Bos- tonian spends eighteen hours a day in the Public Library, is invariably a Ilarvard graduate, and never goes any- re without toting along a green cloth bag. A Bostonian thinks a Philadelphian is generally a Quaker and dresses ex- clusively in pajamas, being too sleepy to don anything else. A Philadelphian is of the opinion that Chicago women all have big feet, and that all Chicagoans live either near the stockyards or on Michigan Avenue. A Chicagoan’s total impression of Detroit is that it's Henry Ford's home town. A Detroiter’s idea of San Francisco is that it is a place where earthquakes ccur every morning for breakfast, and where the whole population makes its iving by shanghaiing sailors. Any San Franciscan can tell you that obody lives in Los Angeles except movie Stars, realtors and retired Iowan farmers. Salt Lake City, according to the man from Los Angeles, is a place where they have massacres occasionally and is in- habited exclusively by Mormons with Smith Brothers whiskers. New Orleans, you may easily learn in Salt Lake City, is one-third Creole, one-third absinthe and one-third persons who are still singing hymns of hate against General Butler (of the G. A. R., not the Marines). While in New Orleans we are in- formed that every Milwaukeean is an illicit brewer at heart, and usually in practice. Milwaukee doesn't like New York, because all New Yorkers are immoral and hang around the cabarets until all hours of the morning. Mostly bandits, too, These are probably the reasons why we call ourselves the “United” States. Tip Bliss, Playing the Game LOCKE: So you are giving your boys a college education ? Savers: Yes, I want to play fair. I want my boys to start out in life with the same handicap that other boys have! Country Visitor: LAND SAKES! EVERY TIME I COME TO TOWN I SEE THAT CAR! FIRST AID TO TRAVELERS THE SUITCASE CLOSER Tea Tattle Ts all very well to be charitable, my dear, but no matter how bad the man’s headache was, Maye Elliberry wouldn't stroke his throbbing brow if she didn’t have beautiful hands. “In my opinion, that young man is absolutely lost. But if he should hap- pen to get to Heaven, he'll pester St. Peter until he’s allowed to play a saxo- phone instead of a harp. “They asked me to be one of the chaperons for the Junior Dance, but I declined. I'm much too old and un- sophisticated to mingle with such young people. “I knew that Mrs. Wayfled was a bridge shark the moment the hands were dealt. My dear, she stopped pow- dering her nose to look at her cards. “Of course, we are all wretched sin- ners, but some of us are sufficiently well-bred not to admit it. “Iam forever hoping the doctor will order me on a diet. I think I might be able to enjoy my food if I were for- bidden to eat it.” James K. McGuinness. Where the Heart Is "THERES no place like home—ex- cept Florida, the Gulf Coast, Cali- fornia, Cuba, Nassau, Bermuda and Southern France. comicbooks.com