Life — May 3, 1923 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

LIFE Use Sounder’s Handy Reference Chart In Looking Over the Presidential Impossibilities my ASHINGTON, May 1st.—I have always found a good deal of similarity ‘between selecting a presidential candidate and ordering in a restaurant. Not that the two problems are at all alike in impor- tance; but even so the work of choosing a nominee should not be slighted. I Enter a Restaurant with the best intentions of ordering some simple hearty dish, I don’t much care what. But by the time I have scanned half the simple, hearty dishes on the menu, the task of choosing the simplest and heartiest of them is not so easy. And when the waiter begins to tap on his order pad just behind my shoulder, I am driven to ordering the first thing that comes into my mind, usually liver and bacon, which I dis- like extremely. Now in Certain of thé more democratic restaurants that I am prone to patronize toward the end of the month, I have gained much comfort from a sort of eater’s guide they print on the menu. Be- side each item they print its qualifi- cations: so many vitamines, so many carbohydrates, so many calories. Though it scarcely helps you to select something you actually want, it does, I believe, materially short- en the process of making up your mind. At This Season when presidential possibilities are far thicker than dishes on a menu, a similar analy- sis would, I feel, lighten the vot- er’s burden in choosing his man. I have there- “I offer the above to prove that I can count on the West. McAdoo never showed more convincing proof.” fore prepared the following Analyt- ical Chart for -Presidential Possibil- ities. If a candidate lacks any of the qualifications list~ ed below, or if he falls below 60% on any of the items, you might as well discard him at once. He's not the man for the job. ANTECEDENTS —Should be born of poor and hum- ble parents in poor and humble surroundings. I Hope that the parents of all serious contenders for the nomination have had the foresight to attend to this. Occupation—Must be or newspaper publisher. lawyer There Is a Movement to include automobile manufacturers, but I am inclined to be conservative. If we let down the barriers even slightly we shall, before weknow it, find capable busi- ness men being put up for the office. RESIDEN CE— Very important. For 100% rating, candidate should have been born in Virginia, should have married a New York or New England girl, and practic- ed law in Ohio or Indiana, and should be prom- inently identified —either through the film industry, cowboy _ photo- graphs, or the habit of wearing “Another campaign photograph taken at great personal risk.” a sombrero—with the Far West. Orner Assers—Candidate should possess a good working front porch, and the ability to milk a cow. A Man who cannot milk a cow, shock wheat or split kindling, is, by all our precedents, unfit to handle the grave responsi- bilities of the presidency. PHYSICAL QvaLIFications —Must play golf, but very badly. Must be able to throw a_ baseball with some ac- curacy onto the field from the grandstand. Ti in performing this duty a president kept hitting the leader of the Marine Band he would quickly make his of- fice ridiculous. MENTAL QUALIFICATIONS— Should know one good story fit for national distribution, and another for private circulation among news- paper men, who will thus spread the report that he’s a regular fellow. Views on AMeRICANISM—Usual standard requirements. Views on OtHer Important Mattei Should believe that some- thing ought to be done about the Soldiers’ Bonus, but is not prepared to say what. Should Believe that America must maintain an ac- tive interest in the world’s prob- lems, but is not prepared, at the moment, to say more than that. Should have given very earnest thought to the Prohibition question, but is not prepared, at time of quot- ing, to state his exact position. OrnerR Qua.irications—None. Sounder. P. S. Oddly enough, in checking up my own qualifications I find that T rate 100% on‘every item. comicbooks.com