Life — February 15, 1923 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Things ia FE CWould Rather Like to Know HETHER this is the Rev. Percy Stickney Grant's week for being an Episcopalian. * KK What Ambassador Harvey would like best to withdraw from Europe. *** If the slogan of the next Presi- dential campaign will be, “He Kept Us Out of the Ruhr.” *** How to keep warm in a_ heated taxi. a Why the poems of Carl Sandburg have never been translated into Eng- lish. *** In the matter of liquor consump- tion, who holds the Congressional record. *** Whether Tumulty now believes that he and his really made the world safe for democracy. eee What Mr. Taft thinks of Oscar Straus’s autobiography. *** Whether Jess Willard proposes to use force or passive resistance in his next bout with Dempsey. *** Whether it is true that Jackie Coogan is writing his reminiscences. How many nights a week Otto Kahn dines at home. ee Whether Gov. Smith’s pardons for loose talkers will include William R. Hearst. *** If Mr. Harding hopes to be re- membered as the man who kept George Harvey 3,000 miles away. ***e * What would happen to his news- papers if Hearst became a convert to Couéism. xk Whether McAdoo would run bet- ter than he screens. **e Who draws up the time-tables for the departures of political band wag- ons. *** How many degrees a Senator must take in the Old Guard before he is eligible for the Henry Cabot Lodge. ***e* Whether the Ku Klux Klan in- tends buying out the house for a performance of “Abie’s Irish Rose.” ee Whether Germany would now be in pawn if she'd never hocked the Kaiser. eee If French successes in the Ruhr could be described as a triumph of mined over matter. * crumb; Segregating the Crumbs Professor Blotter on a Safe and Sane Breakfast in Bed ROFESSOR Blotter, of Colum. bia University, and I decided the other day to try to work out some scheme for eating toast in bed with- out getting crumbs all under the covers, and up the sleeves of your pajamas. It's pretty important, the Profes- sor and I agreed. “Take a cup of coffee and a slice of toast in bed of a morning, Corey,” argued the Pro- fessor, “and if you can get comfort. able within an hour after it, and not keep on finding little three-cornered pieces in between the sheets, to say nothing of gobs of marmalade as high up as your elbow, then you must have gotten up to eat it. The Professor admitted that his ideas on the subject were rather lack- ing. “I’ve wondered if you couldn't button the covers onto your pajamas so that they’d be perfectly crumb- tight all around; that is, couldn't you sort of wear your bed, so that every- thing you ate would be outside of you?” I was sorry, but I had to tell him I thought not. “Personally,” I said, “I'd go at the thing right from the source. I'd go straight to the toast. I'd take the principle that when you spread your slice with marmalade it doesn’t drop so many crumbs ; some of them stick, even after they have broken from the old home slice and become merely rolling crumbs. Now what I'd do is, I'd take a slice of toast and then break it, smash it, decompose it into the maximum number of crumbs, I'd go further; I’d crumb each I'd crumb each crumbed crumb; I'd reduce it all to intinity. Then Id start rebuilding. I'd glue each crumb to the next crumb, and glue these two to the next crumb, and so on till there was my whole slice of toast again. Then when a crumb is inclined to break away from the home slice, it will find itself securely glued and moored, and nary a chance will it have to crawl under the cover- lets. “And if you make the glue taste the way it does on postage stamps, it really won’t be half bad.” The more I mention it, the more Professor Blotter is taken with my idea, and he is already planning to sell it to all his friends. He is even planning to try it himself, sometime. C. H. F. comicbooks.com