Life — May 4, 1922 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

'E action occurs in Spotless Town, a one-half of one per cent. village, some- where in America Reformed. All the Shop Windows of River Street are fes- tooned with tempt- ing displays of new Old Oaken Buckets. There is a hydrant on every corner— and the public fountain is bubbling with Croton. The local sprinkling cart was designed by William J. Brine. * * * The background is decorated with a waterfall, approved by the W.C. T. U., and the brook, which babbles by the Inn, was selected by the Anti-Saloon League. Water—water all around, and nothing else to drink. * * * Into this scene of sweetness and light, where all is virtuous and law-abiding, comes a Vagabond who has slept for twenty years in a blind tiger in the Catskills, As none of them recognize him, he approaches Nicholas Vedder, who lurks about the door of his Inn, surrounded by a surreptitious atmosphere. * * * Rip: I say, old chap, no one seems to know me—eh, what? My name is Rip Van Drinkle— Vepper: Ah, my poor friend, you have been asleep twenty years. We have it on the unimpeachable testimony of Washington Irving. I have read you in his book—you have even bro- ken into the movies. Rip: Twenty years? Nonsense!! When I went to sleep in the mountains, only last night, there were jolly little bounders with kegs of brandy and soda all about me. I drank some... Bystanpers: Schnapps!! Bootleg- gers!! (The Populace de- parts in the direction of the Catskills, the Mayor leading the field, with the Pump Man at the Water Tank an easy second.) Rip: I say, let’s have a whisky and soda. (There is a burst LIFE - Rip Van Drinkle The New Telling of an Old Story drant pops the Good Fairy Apollinaris. She carries a banner upon which is in- scribed the delightful device: “We know what is best for you.”) Apottinaris: Whisky and soda? (she shudders horribly.) Take care, or I'll sick the 18th Amendment on you. Rip: You're a charming girl—'pon my honor, but you're talking bally rot. Apottinaris: Whisky and soda is Verboten. Rip: I say, old dear, what is Verboten? APOLLINARIS: A very useful term which we and I get seventy-five a glass. ApoLiinaris: Our law is a success, VepperR: J’ll say so. (He slips a large wad of graft to the local Rev- enue Agent.) Apottinaris: It is universally obeyed. : (A parade of natives reels out of the Inn and up the street singing: ‘We'll build a little still up there on the hill, And let the rest of the world go dry.” have just inserted into the Constitution with a card index. The Ger- mans have no further use for the word, as the poor misguided creatures have set themselves free. Rip: Yes, I know, old thing, but what does it mean? APOLLINARIS: It means that no one can drink anything we don't happen to like ourselves. I am secretary for the Society for the Preven- tion of Everything You Want to Do. There is but one Law and Vol- stead is its Prophet. So now America is dry. (Nearby a still blows up, frightening a horse which runs away, scattering a wagon-load of malt syrup and dried grapes all over the street. Rip: I think you’re spoofing me. ApoLiinaris: Notatall. This wretch here (indicating friend Vedder) once paid a heavy license fee to poison our unsuspecting citizens with rum at ten cents a glass. Didn't you? Vepper: Oh, yes. (He whispers to Rip.) Now I don’t pay any license There is a burst of flame and out of the nearest hydrant pops the good fairy Apollinaris. A band of bootleggers approach: they wear daintily embroidered boots on their lapels so they won't try to scll to each other. In the distance the Three Mile Limit coos seductively.) Rip: Can this be America? Vepper: No. It’s Andersonville Prison. Rip: Well, by Jove, you know you said I’d been asleep twenty years, but you're asleep now. Think it over, old chap. Think it over. Excuse me... (As the curtain falls Rip has overtaken the Pump Man and isi gaining on the May The hollow rumb is not an earthquake, it is merely Washing: ton Irving turning over in his grave.) CEST FINI of red fire, and out of the nearest hy- Rip has overtaken the Pump Man and is gaining on the Mayor Mark Swan. comicbooks.com