Life — October 13, 1921 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Got any change about ye, Cy? Can't hear a word ye say. Cos if ye heyv—— No use. I'm awful deef to-day. If ye got fifteen cents I'll pay ye that dime. Cy: Why didn’t ye say so in the fust place? Why Not Be a President? PRESIDENTS PRESIDENT is a very nice posi- tion for a young man to aim to. Work in this direction is remarkably simple, and the only real labor involved is incurred in getting to the point of becoming a President. Once you have become a President your labor lies chiefly in smoking very Black Cigars. You must have a long catalogue of jokes, which you deliver invariably in a roar, emphasizing the point by vio- lently pounding the desk with the palm of your hand, and turning to the di- rector on your left to shout the last line over again into his ear: “Ha, ha, and the Irishman says, ‘No, but I will,’ can yimagine?” You are expected, of course, to have a Very Beautiful Daughter who will later marry a clerk, BANK PRESIDENTS: To be a Bank President you must wear patched knickerbockers and be continually scrubbing at the brass rails in front of the paying teller. You must start this at the age of ten, and later become an all-around Office Boy. When you are sixteen you will intercept a bold Of What? Of Anything attempt to enter the bank after it has been closed for the day, and your prog- ress from this point is simple. The main difficulty to avoid falling into routine duty in which you will learn something about the affairs of a bank. You might be occupying your time to advantage in learning to smoke those Black Cigars. On second thought, it is sometimes better to take oratory and be able to address a large mob, in case there should be a run on the bank instead of the usual robbery method of advance- ment. RAILROAD PRESIDENTS: The preparation for a Railroad Pres- ident is much the same as for a Bank President, except that the Candidate for the former must be a newsboy. It is well to practice by leaving large dum- mies made of straw on the railroad tracks, and managing to push them to safety just in front of onrushing trains. Your opportunity here comes three years later than-in the Bank profession, since you must be nineteen years old before you can rescue the Rail Head from under the locomotive’s wheels. There is only one pitfall in this ca- reer. You must be very careful not to sell too many newspapers in the begin- ning, or else you will be sidetracked, and become an Editor. UNITED STATES PRESIDENTS: The only really definite approach to this career occurs in the beginning. You must have been born in a small house or cabin, preferably log, and have done all your reading at night from a candle. The reason that we have so few Presidents (only twenty-eight since Washington) is that one has to know about this requirement so early. If you are so fortunate as to be born into the right environment your sole obligation henceforth is to be inordi- nately fond of “The Pilgrim’s Progress” and the Bible. Really happy Presidents never go outside the White House to reform anything, and fat, pink-cheeked ones keep themselves in condition by send- ing out form letters to boys and girls at Commencement time. However, if you plan to betray your party and do comicbooks.com