Life, 1921-03-31 · page 4 of 34
Life — March 31, 1921 — page 4: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
The page features "Letters of a Japanese Schoolboy" by Wallace Irwin, a satirical column using a fictional Japanese correspondent named Hashimura Toa to comment on contemporary American and British affairs. The illustration shows two figures in conversation—one appears to be the Japanese schoolboy character, the other likely Hon. Ichi Obi (a recurring character mentioned in the text). The satire mocks British-Irish relations, American foreign policy toward Ireland, and the British Empire's colonial administration. Through the naive Japanese observer's perspective, Irwin critiques British hypocrisy regarding democracy while ruling colonies, contrasts British and American approaches to Ireland, and questions American intervention in world affairs. The column uses this "outsider's view" device to expose contradictions in Western geopolitical positions that contemporary readers would find absurd when stated plainly.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Letters of a Japanese Schoolboy Editor “ Life.” Amer- a4 ica’s = joke- ing soviet: Dear Sir :— One day of recently Hon. Ichi Obi, Japanese Pacifist, approach up to me with Wm. Jenny Bryan eye- brows to require: “Hashimura Togo, in recent publica- tion Lire newspaper you got an intellect- ual letter, filled with your valuable brains, to mention Irish Question. I ask to know. Were that Brittish Poppaganda?” “Are not!” I dib peevly. “Since then I have read some Brittish Poppaganda which would make me nearly Sinn Fein.” “World are so full of quarrel, indem- nity, plebescite and typhus fever I am anxious to settle Sinn Fein so we can have time to pay incum tax,” narrate Hon. Obi. “Relate to me some good reasons why England & Ireland should not under- stand each other.” “There are two good reasons,” I am- putate. “As following: “1—England. “2—Ireland.” “Your speech contains prunes,” ollicute Obi. “Do not maglificent nation like England get pretty wise from travel, by golly? Do not Brittania boss the tides? Do England’s sons ever set? Answer is, no! (to last question only). With ability to manage India, Africa, Canada & Aus- tralia why should she get worried by small self-determined green polka-dot resembl- ing Ireland? O surely she could learn about that Owld Sod by slight study!” “Hon. England do not learn countries by study,” I say so. “She obtain her in- formation through patriotism and preju- dice. Both are good ways to know. She approach all distant lands with expres- sion peculiar to Queen Victoria giving cookies to Home for Idiot Newsboys. Germany obtain lands by shooting % the inhabitants and marrying the rest. France run her colonies by love (sacred and profane). U. S. hold her suburban possessions (Philippine Islands) by cable- grams asking next administration to do something about it. “But this England sail around circular globe with feeling that all men are equal, but somewhat queer because they are not Great Britain (and Ireland) By Wallace Irwin English. Since date of Queen Elizabeth (retired) Brittish civilization have travel- led from N. Pole to Tropic of Canicorn building tennis courts on vacant lots and permitting savage inhabitants to call on first & 3rd Wedsdays in November and June. This make savages more so. “But are not Gt. Britten to day very democratic or something?” require Ichi. “Indeedly she are!” I remake. “She are the aristocrat among democracies.” “Why could not Hon. H. G. Wells save Ireland from committing suicide?” re- quire my international friend. “How could he?” I dib. “He are muchly too busy trying to introduce popu- lar government into Russia. How could he find sifficient time to add History of Ireland to his other famus novels?” Hon. Obi could think nothing intel- lectual for reply. “Hon. England are right,” I commute onwards, “when she requesh that Senator Walsh and other pure American patriots shall do nothing to help run Ireland, either up or down. What do America know about Ireland? Nothing or less. But Hon. England have neighborhood knowl- edge of that quaint & humorous little people. For many 1,000 years she have lived across backyard from Erin and been able to study inhabitants from her parlor window, only jumping occasionally when bricks fell near. Thus she have learned: 1.—Ireland are composed of Brian Boru, Wm. Butler Yeats, Richard Croker, Oscar Wilde, G. Bernard Pshaw, Jno. McCormack and Handy Andy. 2.—The Irish are sweet, quarrel- some, loyal, treacherous, scientific and superstitious people. They change their minds suddenly. They do not mean what they say. “With these umportant statisticks in mind she have been civilizing Ireland for 700 years. Are it not right that she should feel peev when U. S. burst in just as she is nearly finishing that great work?” “Could U. S. manage Ireland more good than England?” require Ichi Obi. “O surely could,” I reject. “See Santo Domingo for statisticks.” “Could you please snuggest some good medicine for settle this angry question so that America could have more time to think of President Harding and other problemb?” negotiate Obi. “Have done so,” I manipulate. “I have just prepared one Questionaire for Brit- tish Govt. This will be submitted to Hon, O. Villard and other Irish Americans” “Do Brittish Govt. know about th “Not yet,” I narrate. “But I have written some bright replies in my pretty handwriting.” Therefore I seize my pocket and fetch forth following paper with answers: SIX (6) QUESTIONS. Ques.—How much have America ix terfered in Irish question? Togo.—Too much. Ques.—Would English Parrliment in. terfere with niggero question in U.S? Togo.—lf England contained 22,000. ooo Africans, escaped from Tuskegee landlaws in 1848, Friends of Niggero Freedom would make considerable speeches about U. S. Bootware can be bet_on that. Ques.—When is the best time to settle the Irish question? Togo.—Fifty (50) years ago. Ques.—What are Hon. Lloyd Geo’s greatest mistake in Ireland? Lloyd Geo. ( ‘What are Ireland's latest con- tributions to criminal element in U.S? Togo.—Hon. Ponzi of Boston, Hon Brindell of N. Y., and Hon. Debs of Atlanta. Ques.—What Court could settle Irish Question ? Togo, would it? Hon. Ichi Obi set rubbing head-bones, then he say for sorrow: “Togo, your argument sounds very cr- cular, Geometry teaches us that there is no Question without Some Answer. This world are full of Best Minds—are not so? Then who could we get to make Ire- land free without damage to England or U.S.? Every country cantain great think- ers. In France they. got Gen. Foch. In Italy Hon. d’ Annunzio, In Ameria Henry Ford. Which gentleman shall we select to umpire that fight?” “We must go to Germany,” I sorrow. “In that unpopular land there reside 2 scientist gentleman who can prove that two (2) objecks can go into same space, that straight lines are curved, that only way to bring things together is to pall them apart. I offer him the nomination. “What are the name, if any, of this grandy genius?” decry Obi passionly. “Einstein,” I corrode. I go away, and last I see of Obi he was looking for his lost intelligence. Hoping you are the same, Yours truly, Hasunacura Too. Divorce Court, maybe. But comicbooks.com