Life — March 10, 1921 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE NEW TECHNIQUE Footpad: THIS LITTLE STICKER WHICH I PLACES ON YOUR FOREHEAD, SIR, WILL SHOW MY FELLOW CRAFTSMEN THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN YOUR CONTRIBUTION FOR TO-DAY, FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE EVENING YOU WILL BE UNMOLESTED, Purely Social IRST SMALL BOY: Going to the prizefight to-night? Seconn SMaut Boy: If I can get mama to take me. “TOOT THE HORN GOOD AND LOUD, JAMES, I WANT TO BE SURE THAT MRS, JONES SEES I DON’T RECOGNIZE HER.” LIF® A Guilty World (Informer Mars Puts a Flea in Betelgeuse’s Sapient Ear.) HE earth was up before Betelgeuse, one of the most sapient and extensive stars in the universe—if we are to believe the measurements of a highly esteemed astronomer, “I am twenty-seven million times bigger than the sun,” said Betelgeuse, as he adjusted his nebular-rimmed glasses. “ But I understand that you have become very naughty. You musi re member that size docs not determine everything. In your own sphere you may have—without knowing it—a great influence upon your contemporaries, such as Mars. The man in your moon—who has opportunities for constant observation—tells me that since the year 1914 you have been cutting up scandal- ously, and are getting worse. What have you got to say for yourself?” The earth revolved normally, blushing by reflected light. “Tt is my inhabitants,” said the earth. “They started as in- conspicuous microbes—that is according to H. G. Wells, who seems to know it all—and after. some millions of years, they grew up into those doubtful creatures, men and women. I have kept along pretty much in my own path since then, supplying them with food and drink and a good many luxuries. I've tried to make them all happy. You'd be surprised if you could know all the beautiful and interesting things I have spread before them. But they are apparently a hopeless lot—spend most of their time in fighting and killing one another. It’s getting on my nerves, I can tell you.” “You can’t get away with that in this universe,” said Betel- geuse warmly. “You are one of those celestial fourflushers— trying to blame everything on somebody else. Now listen to me. Your inhabitants are your fault. You've spoiled them. It’s your responsibility. I can’t have planets like you, small as you are, setting such a bad example. You get peace—hear me?” “But—" “No buts. I'll give you ten years to straighten things out. If by that time those human beings of yours are not living hap- pily together, I'll put you in the cooler back of the Milky Way for a couple of billion light years. Next case!” “T hated to tell on her,” whispered Mars, “but it was break- ing us all up, believe me! And had to be done!” Static? OW does Eleanor know that Bob will try to kiss her in about five minutes? How does Mother know that James has just been in mischief? How does Father know that the subject of spring raiment is about to be opened? How does the baby know that everybody has just dozed off? How does Bobby know that the gang is waiting just around the corner? How does the cat know when to retire unobtrusively from the visiting child’s vicinity? How does the dog know when to ignore overtures of affec- tion from the boys? Modest PPLICANT: I'm ready to begin at the bottom, sir. Newspaper Prorrtetor: Well, what's your idea? “To start first with the leading editorials and gradually work myself up to the sporting page.” comicbooks.com