Life — February 17, 1921 — page 26: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Smile and the World Smiles Uses of a Dictionary —“I want to be procrastinated at de nex’ corner,” said the negro passenger to the tram-car con- ductor, “You want to be what?” demanded the conductor. “Don’ lose your temper. I had to look in de dictionary myself befo’ I found out dat ‘procrastinate’ means ‘ put off.” —Japan Advertiser (Tokyo). Advance Notice—The lady best known as Daisy Ashford has now a daughter. Look out for a new “infant prodigy” book in next year’s publishers’ announce- ments!—Passing Show (London). Hereditary—Stories concerning victims of wifely prattle recall a poignant one told by a headmaster who wrote on a boy's re- port, “A good worker, but talks too much.” The rule of the school was that during the holidays each boy must get his report endorsed by his father. In this case the report came back with a brief comment at- tached: “You should hear his mother.” —Tit-Bits (London). The Idle Practitioner—“ You're writing to kill time.” “Haven't you any patients any more?” —Sans-Géne (Paris). The Welcome Suitor— Wealthy Bache- lor (paying call): I can’t stand these very clever women; I'll never marry one. Matron (aside to daughter): stupid, dearie. —Fliegende Blatter (Munich). Look “REALLY, MY WATCH MUST BE A QUARTER OF A second stow! "—Kasper (Stockholm). Gratitude —Dicd, at Old Cove, last Sun- day night, Old Beck, E. A. Little's mule, 30 years old. Mr, Little tells us that this old mule made him what he has to-day.— Cove Correspondent of the Mena (Ga.) Star. Domestic Economy—Maid: Please, sir, missus wants you to telephone for the plumber, ’cos she’s dropped ‘er diamond ring down the bath-pipe. Master: Tell your mistress not to be ridiculous—I'll buy her another diamond ring.—Bystander (London). Ought to Have Given Thanks — Rail- way Porter (to irate passenger): Howl- ing because you are late? You got here right side up, with your head, your legs and your arms—and yet you have the nerve to complain! —Le Journal Amusant (Paris). The Voice of the People?—A notice in the Kansas City Star, “contributed in the interest of government by the people”: “The Republicans and Democrats that won the county and state elections are in no mood to be trifled with by political professionals trying to reap personal re- ward. They demand their interests be not subordinated to those of any clique. To all the people belong the spoils. Woe be to those attempting to deprive them of them!” A Companion Piece—Retired Dealer in Pork (inspecting picture of pig): How much do you want for it? Artist: Fifty pounds. Retired Dealer: Right-o. Now could you do one of me in a reclining position, to match ?—Punch, Equality—Judge Henderson remembers the time when the old-fashioned woman used to be satisfied with the society page, but now she wants the whole newspaper. —Arkansaw Thomas Cat. Otherwise All Right —“She is absolute- ly unbearable,” said a famous man with marked emphasis of a well-known woman of fashion; but, as if he had gone too far, and wanted, in sheer charity, to take something off what he had said, he added, “It is her only defect."—Windsor Maga- zine (London). You First!—Disarmament is like a formal event in society—none wants to arrive till all the rest are there. —Nashville Tennessean. Poet; THE BURGLARS HAVE BEEN 19, Artist: YES, WHAT HAPPENED? “SEARCHED MY ROOM AND THEN GAVE ME A SHILLING. —Bulletin (Sydney) Among Those Absent — Mr. Mugg: Anything in the newspapers, dear? Mrs. Mugg: Not much, love. Mrs Gaybird, the well-known society leader, having remembered that she has not seen her daughter for the last five days, has notified the police that the girl is missing —Answers (London). MODERN AMBITIONS Proud Father: Wat are you GOING 7 BE WHEN you Grow uP? Chorus of Children: +e + A FLOUR ADULTERATOR . . TO DERAIL RAILROAD TRAINS. «5 —Le Rire (Paris). A MONEY CHANGER . 1 WAST comicbooks.com